Issue 5: February, 2021

We wrap up one crazy year and plunge straight into another. Hopefully, you all had time to catch your breath before making the leap.

We now have five platforms we publish to: Rue Scribe, Underwood, The Purpled Nail, True Chili and Black Works. And, on January 6, we started accepting submissions for Baker Street, our take on mystery, suspense, and crime stories.

Think Sherlock Holmes and Arthur Conan Doyle, Hercule Poirot, and yes, The Maltese Falcon. Think of these and you won’t go wrong.

And, yes we will look at poetry, too.

Why January 6? Because it is Sherlock Holmes’ birthday, of course.

“Kaylee Ann and the 210” by Andy Betz


Dedicated to Arianna and Sabrina

Chapter One

The coffee was cold and tasteless.  I sat in this dim room for nearly 45 minutes before the detective arrived.  He wanted answers.  I wanted answers.  However, I was not one to be forthcoming when treated as a criminal.

The door opened and in walked Detective Finch.  We met, briefly, at the farmer’s market sharing our fondness of fresh fish and exotic recipes.  Had this not happened, we might have shared more.

He sat across from me and opened the conversation with his aw-shucks boyish charm he had on display the other day.  He did it for me and it completely disarmed me of all of the apprehensions I collected since the morning.

“Can I call you Gillian, Miss Adler?”  So formal for a man he knew I found charming.  I would prefer a more casual attitude, but under the circumstances, I can understand his by-the-book procedures.

“Yes, please call me Gillian.”

“Alright, for the record, Gillian, please tell me again what you believe happened to your sister.”  The clock on the wall indicated it was just past 8pm. 

This was going to take time.

“My sister, Kaylee Ann, is two years younger than me and ten times more adventurous.  She is prone to serendipity, stunts, capers, romps, and escapades, the nature of which, even I would not disclose to her if I were today’s protagonist and the situation was reversed.  Kaylee Ann only recently graduated from college and managed to schedule an interview with her dream company, in television production, in New York City by the end of the month.  She told me of her plans for her cross country journey during the month of time she had prior to the interview.  She debated between a picturesque train ride or renting a car.  I insisted she rent the car to remain free from scheduling and layovers.  I even offered to pay for it.  She pouted during my insistence, but eventually acquiesced.  I chose one of those dependable hybrids.  A canary yellow one.  The man behind the counter gave me a great deal and said Kaylee Ann could return the rental in a variety of nationwide locations.  She seemed more excited about the interview than the 3000 mile solo drive.”

Here I began tearing for I was the insistent sister who might have engendered Kaylee Ann’s disappearance.   “It has been a week since my sister checked in with me or any of her social media accounts.  I left message after message without a single response.  This was typical of Kaylee Ann when she is so deeply involved in her own world that she forgets there are others in it that care about her.”

Now I began crying.  I informed Detective Finch that the car rental company found the Leaf abandoned in the parking lot of the rental company in Reno, Nevada.  “The handwritten note she left gave instructions to cancel the contract.”  Detective Finch took the copy I had.

“Is this common for your sister?  To abruptly change plans without consulting with you?” 

From what little bit I know of him, the detective is a most unusual man.  He spells his first name with two d’s and asks leading questions with ease.  Normally, I would continue with the narrative myself, but, between my tears and the trouble my sister is putting me through, I decided to follow his lead.

“Yes to both questions.”

“Miss Adler, Gillian, do you believe your sister is missing?”  Sidd (Detective Finch) was a good ten years older than me.  His concern was the concern of a father with a missing child.  Kaylee Ann was always this way, but never for this long.  I told him no.

“Do you believe she is in trouble or dire circumstances?” 

Once again, I had to say no.

“Then, Gillian, how can the Sacramento Police Department help you?”

Considering her past, I did not have an answer to his question.


Chapter Two

Gillian is uptight.  Always has been, always will.  I kept reminding myself of how she became this way, this motherly way, when our parents died right after the end of my sophomore year in college.  I was drowning and she kept me afloat.  For that, Gillian receives perfect 10’s from me.  However, now that I am out of college, Gillian should understand that if she wants to continue being a mother, maybe should find a guy and have a few kids of her own. 

Such was the excuse for all of my sudden adventures into the great unknown.  Today was no different.  Here I am, on I-80, in a hybrid car, with a map, leading me to my future.  I could wow them at the interview and work in production studios for the next 50 years if everything goes well.

Fifty years of New York City is also a double edged sword.  I would have the pulse of the nation but also be a victim by keeping that pulse.  Others would see the world, live out their dreams, visit exotic locales, and meet exotic people.  I would know about such lives, but would I have one of my own?

Reno, Nevada is the Biggest Little City in the World.  If I cannot find an adventure there, I don’t deserve one of those coveted lives I hope to one day acquire.

I thought the entirety of my thoughts, over and over again, as I began walking away from the Nissan and the car rental place.  I left written directions in the car.  The dealer can refund the unused time back to Gillian.  A Nissan will not create adventure.  I have one backpack and one suitcase.  I also have 29 days to make it to the Big Apple to fight for the job of my dreams.

Nevada is too dry, too hot, and too far to walk for too long.  I put up a thumb to hitch a ride into Reno.  Four cars passed without slowing down.  The fifth, an old tow truck came to a halt.

The driver looked out of place behind the wheel.  His cowboy hat and farmer tan lines gave away his occupation instantly.  I told him I wanted to find a hotel for the night, maybe get a bite to eat, maybe hit a few slots. 

He didn’t believe me.

“The way I see things, you look like you were just dumped or are running away from someone who needs to be dumped.”  The straw in his mouth added another level to his desert cowboy mystique.

“If you want a ride, it is only three more miles to the edge of Reno.  I could use the company.”

I gave him my best pout. 

“OK, you got me.  I will even pay for dinner for both of us.”

I can read a man and get what I want.  I always have.

It took a minute to climb up into the cab with my luggage.  Eventually, I place them both on the floor and rode with my feet up on the dash.  He didn’t speak, but he was looking.  I decided to break the ice instead of waiting.

“My name is Kaylee Ann.  What say you cowboy?”

Normally, a man this interested, and also interesting, stumbles across his words as they leave his mouth.  Not this cowboy.  He took his time.  The gears of the truck responded to his touch as he accelerated on the interstate.  Eventually, he chose his words carefully.

“That is a right pretty name you have Miss Kaylee Ann.  They call me Josh, Josh Wallerp.  You can call me Josh.  I am glad to make your acquaintance.”  I do believe under a different set of circumstances, this Mr. Wallerp might have accepted my hand, following with a small kiss, had I extended it.

We spent the next two hours at Jorge’s BBQ at the intersection of 659 and 647.  This was not by accident.  Upon arriving, Josh gave his truck keys to Jorge’s son, Miguel.  Then we sat down to a dish of flauta encantada with chile verde in tomatillo sauce, the house special.  I told Josh I was heading to New York City.  He told me he had never been there.  I think the term he used was “crowded”.  I expected something worse and applauded him with “discretion is the better part of valor.”  He returned my parry with Falstaff’s original quote, “Caution is preferable to rash bravery.”

I sat there dumbfounded as Josh Wallerp transformed from a desert cowboy to a Shakespearean quote master.  Then he kept eating again bringing me back to his cowboy reality.

The margaritas and the music came stronger than expected.  Josh ate with gusto, but drank very little.  I saw advantages in the reverse.

By the time we left, Josh, ever the gentleman, escorted me to the truck.  Or shall I say, trucks.  Now I had to ask.  “Josh, when we arrived, were you hauling a pickup truck?  I don’t remember a pickup truck attached.”

I do not remember anything after that.


Chapter Three

I do remember when I awoke.  I was in the passenger seat of the tow truck, Josh remained at the wheel.  A quick look backwards and we had the pickup truck in tow. 

The sun had already set.

Mr. Wallerp didn’t take his eyes off the road when he addressed me.

“Miss Kaylee Ann, we are still on I-80, heading east, making somewhat poor time.  You told me you no longer had a car and you desired to head east to New York.  Well, ma’am, we are just past Winnemucca and state route 95 in Humboldt county.  There is a fine ration of reasonably priced hotels and a rental car company up ahead.  I know the first are open and the second will by 9am.  This is my drop point for the truck, so we will be stopping soon.”

I could have screamed, but I chose against such measures.  I had been in worse predicaments and Josh was correct as he exited the interstate and pulled into a hotel next to the car rental.

“It has been an honor riding with you Miss Kaylee Ann.  I trust the county accommodations are to your liking.  Ask for Rita, she is the proprietor and she will fix you right up.”

I wanted to ask Josh a few questions, but he seemed more interested in making the delivery of the pickup truck than engaging in further conversation.

“Perhaps we will see each other again?”  I kept my question light so as to avoid delaying him.

“Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I should say good night til it be morrow.”

“Since when did you discover Juliet as your muse?”  I had to inquire as I walked backwards to the hotel.  Over the sound of the tow truck’s engine, I do not believe Josh heard my voice.  However, given his unusual nature, I wouldn’t put highly honed lip reading skills past him.

Within thirty minutes, I was asleep, with a fully charged cell phone, no bars for reception, and few worries about tomorrow.

I awoke craving a good cup of coffee and a plate of anything worthy of eating.  Rita greeted me with both at her breakfast table.  She also watched me with a mischievous grin reserved for nosy aunts and ordained matchmakers who know too much and desperately wish to know more.

I could only take so much of this “I know a secret” smile of hers.

“I don’t wish to be rude, but why are you looking like that at me?”  It was my opening verbal salvo, not my invitation to join me for breakfast.

Rita sat down next to me and fixed her eyes at the window.  “Young lady, whatever you did took.”  She then nodded her head for me to fix my eyes in the parking lot.

There stood Josh, without a shirt washing his face and chest.  He must have already shaved and combed his hair.  In the morning sun, his muscles were most impressive.  Apparently, I was not the only one to admire the view.

“Rarely does one see such a spectacle return in these parts.  There must be some reason for him to be here.  Young lady, what might you think that reason could be?  Hmmm.”  Only her passion for eating her own cooking from my plate kept her from continuing her own conversation. 

With my bill paid in full, I took the hint, gathered my belongings and excused myself from Rita’s most humble quarters.  Quickly, I snatched the last sausage biscuit from Rita’s grasp.

She knew it wasn’t for me.

I snuck up on Mr. Wallerp and absconded with his flannel shirt.  Later, he informed me the aroma of the biscuit precluded my arrival.  I believe it was the shaving mirror that gave me away.  Either way, he earned the morsel.

I noticed his shirt was clean, but not pressed.  It was somewhat threadbare and could use a seamstress’s handiwork.  Before I gave it back, he noticed that I noticed and became shy about its condition.  I told him I could sew a few stitches to tie it over if I wasn’t going to rent a car that morning.

“Miss Kaylee Ann, I am going to hold you to your promise.  I came back here early to find all of the rental cars are currently reserved for the day, maybe two days.  Being so, I will offer you another day’s ride, eastward.  It just so happens that I have another vehicle to tow and we both have a reason to share a ride.” 

Now Josh was grinning.

I put the pieces together even though I didn’t for the life of me believe that story about zero rental cars.  He knew it was a whopper, but as long as he was acting, I played along.

“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”  Not my best Blanche DuBois, but he understood my point.  With that, I turned on my heel, tossed Josh’s shirt on my shoulder, grabbed my bags, and headed to the tow truck.  I saw the sedan secured, ready for its tow.  I also saw Josh finally realize that until I mended his shirt, he would have to drive topless. 

A quick look back to Rita’s only confirmed that her eyes never left the two of us.

Her smile was my smile that morning.


Chapter Four

Josh began the drive wanting to ask questions.  I held his shirt out the window and he understood.  I was going to push this cowboy gently for the duration of the ride.  I enjoy having things my way.

It didn’t take more than few hours to pass both Elko and Wells.  By then, I finished the repairs on his shirt.  I took my time to smooth the wrinkles and properly fold it.  I set the finished product on the seat between us.  Josh noticed the extent of my handiwork. 

“Aren’t you going to say thank you, Mr. Wallerp?” 

Josh kept his eyes on the road and his speed to a constant fifty miles per hour.  His driving skills never deviated.  His reply to me, did.

Josh was singing.  Not just any pop song or cliché country tune, Mr. Wallerp, Josh, began softly singing what he would later reveal to be one of his own creations.  It wasn’t finished and he cannot carry a tune, but I secretly recorded him every time his concentration drifted. 

May a sleepy head
find it’s solace in a secure home tonight
May the final bed
dissuade the pilgrim to roam not despite
The comfort of the dawn
is a comfort best shared by two.
Let no consolation
be valued as more than just true

Envision the rising sun revealing its worth
Tally each morning with a quiet sense of mirth
Take the paths no maps reveal as sincere
Challenge the forecasts declined from such fear

When he finished (there must be so much more), I wanted to ask questions.  This time, Josh took the shirt and held it out the window.  Part of me wanted to laugh.  Part of me wanted to hear more.  The last part kept my mouth shut and eyes open.

This cowboy knew he was I-80 eye candy today.  Who was I to complain?

We made the Nevada-Utah line in a few hours and pulled over, both to drop off the sedan near Wendover and to refuel.  Josh grabbed his shirt before I became mischievous.  I remained in the cab during the drop off, but not the refueling.

“Tell me about this truck.  Is it yours?”

Now Josh revealed his true nature.  He spoke as a cowboy, posed as a surfer, but his words were that of a mechanic.

“What you have been riding in is my 1971 International Heavy Duty Model 210 truck.  I  pieced together the engine and rebuilt the body, but otherwise, it is stock.  I primarily use this for freelance towing and that brings me to today’s proposition.”  He was adjusting his flannel collar with that last sentence.

“And what proposition do you have for me today?”  I know I played the coquette as I spoke each word.  Josh must enjoy the flirtation.  I know I did.

“We have an opportunity, if you are up for it.”  My eyes gave him the go-ahead to continue.  “I have a few friends who live off the grid a few miles from here.  I have an open invitation to stop by and I thought, if you have the time, that you might want to tag along.”

“Well, I appreciate the invitation if you’re sure your friends won’t mind, but it will come at a price.”

Now Josh looked a bit confused.  “You are charging me for my hospitality?”

My reply was as well thought as it was serious.  “Mr. Wallerp, for me to be your escort for display to your friends I will require you to perform three services for me.”  That caught Josh by surprise as witnessed by a single eyebrow raised almost as if he was Vulcan and would immediately respond with a “logical”.

“My first request is to hear the entirety of your song.  The beginning fascinates me.  I have high expectations for the conclusion.”

Josh interrupted, once again without his eyes leaving the road.  “What is what I was mumbling was a work in progress.”  I informed Josh that he had better get motivated, soon.

A few moments of silence before I divulged my next requirement, I wanted to hear his life story.  No cowboy drives a tow truck for a living.  No cowboy quotes Shakespeare on demand.  I know I was on shaky ground, but I possess a bit of both Scarlet O’Hara and Blanche DuBois DNA and have become accustomed to getting what I want.

It took Josh a few miles and the creation of a minute long pregnant pause before he acquiesced to my penultimate “request”.

Now I usurped Josh’s pregnant pause mandate and increased its duration exponentially.  I wanted Josh to believe I was in a state of deep reflection, cognizant of my limitations and resolved to word my final ”request” with extreme care.  I held my voice for nearly fifty miles as I watched some of the most spectacular landscape put forth as my personal eye-candy to admire and wonder if I could own.

It seemed forever before Josh took the initiative by clearing his throat.  He said we arrived at the sedan’s point of disembarkment.  He also included the necessity of a red dye diesel purchase.  I made eye contact with the only road sign on this stretch of Interstate 80.  It identified no visible roads or landmarks, not even the rundown fuel station.  The ominous sign read, “Point of No Return”.  I felt my heart sink upon reading this possible prognostication. 

I felt diametrically opposite when I witnessed Josh raise each of the proprietor’s small children as a favorite uncle might when passing through.  Greetings were exchanged.  Hugs were given.  Josh even laid a hand on the pregnant misses midsection.  His action was approved by the members of the family. 

From my window seat, I saw what Josh could be, perhaps what he already was. 

He shook hands and waived goodbye.  The 210, with a full tank of diesel, two exterior drums of diesel (strapped to both sides of the tow arm), sans a sedan load was ready to depart.  I watched the children discover a bag of treats from my side view window.  It was then that I revealed my final request.

“I want to be dazzled.”

With that, Josh removed a blindfold from the glove compartment.  He told me that his friends do enjoy company, they do not enjoy company discovering their location.

I hesitated.

Josh asked as we drove in first gear, never actually reentering the interstate, to trust him.

With the blindfold in place, I never saw where Josh began off-roading with the 210.  The truck took the bumps better than I did for all three hours both of us endured.

When the 210 came to a rest, Josh turned off the key.

“Miss Kaylee Ann Adler, you may remove the blindfold and be properly dazzled.”


Chapter Five

I was skeptical.  I was accustomed to much better treatment at the hands of those I permit to my close proximity.  But, that was then and this is now.

I am dazzled.

The night sky in Utah, if I am still in Utah, is darker than I have ever seen.  The stars, by contrast, are magnificent.  I have never been this far from civilization, this far from anywhere.  What I am witnessing can make someone believe in God.  Before me, in the night sky, I am seeing more stars than I thought possible.

“What you are viewing is the edge of the Milky Way galaxy, our galaxy.  Most people never even know you can view our place in the Universe.  Fewer still even bother to move away from the city lights that block such a spectacle.”

It was as if the entire galaxy presented itself, on edge, just for me.  I saw clusters of stars trimmed with hues of pink and purple the likes I have never witnessed previously.  Billions of lights rotating in a perfect pattern, a synchronicity of unimaginable proportions and choreographed not by the hand of man.

I stood in awe as Josh spoke.

And suddenly I had the urge to find his hand among the glow of the stars above.

“Greetings!”

That single word closed the door on a serendipitous opportunity a single day earlier I would have never believed possible.  I had an impulse, enhanced by the ambiance, now lost by the company.

I quickly collected my thoughts in time for Josh to introduce me to la familia Gonzales. 

First up was Pedro, then his esposa, Guadalupe (Lupita for short), and their eight children.

Considering my intentions just moments before, such an introduction seemed overwhelming.

Josh tossed the keys to the 210 to Pedro’s oldest sons so they could move it under a shelter and  (from what I heard) remove the two large drums of diesel.  The other children smiled as Pedro moved Josh from my near proximity.  The stars, once inviting, seemed as distant as scientific reality.  My face showed my disappointment.

“Mira”, Lupita spoke now as an old friend than a new acquaintance.  “The stars hold their magic every night.  You will find that moment again with Señor Wallerp.”

With that, the galaxy, if it were looking my way, might see another radiated glow.  Lupita obviously did.

The rest of the night was a cacophony of unrehearsed eating, drinking, (poor) singing, story telling, and feeling more welcome in a stranger’s home than I ever had before.  The children took turns attending to the pregnant cow or washing and drying the dishes.  Lupita orchestrated each as a maestro would.  The food was delicious, Josh exchanged a few presents, Pedro spoke of high taxes, all the while the little girls giggled and waved at me.  Lupita took up knitting as a ruse for listening that would rival the best skills of a spy.  It was obvious Lupita ran the house and the contents.

Eventually, it was time to retire.  Pedro assumed Josh and I were together.  Lupita planned otherwise.  Her oldest daughter, Maria, offered her bed in a gesture of good will and avoidance of impropriety.  Pedro understood and offered no complaint.  Josh sensing the mood of the moment, took up with the oldest sons for the night.  The little girls continued to giggle, aware of too much for children their age.

One last look at the heavens, one last thought of what could be.  Some could call this reflection a dream.  I would argue a wish might be more appropriate.

I still have time before my interview to resolve my doubts on events so far.

But tonight, Josh was correct.  I am dazzled.


Chapter Six

Maria aggressively awakes me from my slumber.  Looking out the window, the night sky defaults from the wonderment of ago to the bland of the norm I am so accustomed.  I would enjoy spending the night watching its full performance.  I would enjoy having someone watch with me.

Maria has other ideas.

“Corre!”  It was the full extent of Maria’s voice.  Her pull on my shirt emphasized my lack of translation skills and urgency of voice.  One more “Corre!” and I was upright and mobile.

Lupita met Maria and I at the “barn” where we found Pedro and Josh attending to the pregnant cow.  Pedro informed us that it was going to be a difficult birth, possibly breech, and the mother’s life was in danger.  Josh said I was there to help in the birth.  Pedro said his sons went looking for the vet.  They might return in two hours.  The cow did not have that long.

“What do you want me to do?”  It was all I could ask.  Unless Josh spoke, I was going to remain paralyzed, almost catatonic.

“Pedro will glove you up while I keep the cow as calm as I can.  You are the only person here with arms long enough and shoulders narrow enough to reach in and turn the calf.  You might have to feel for the umbilical cord.  If it is wrapped around the calf’s neck, you will have to untangle her first, before you turn her.”

Josh might have told me to save the world.  I could not do any of what he asked.  Lupita and Pedro began removing my shirt (I had on a t-shirt) and placing my hands and arms into the longest gloves I ever saw.  They reached up to my shoulder blades.  Pedro connected them with duct tape across my back to hold them in place.  Lupita placed an old pair of painter’s goggles across my widened eyes. 

It did not help.

It was all Josh could do to hold the cow in place.  She was suffering.  I clearly heard her cries from an impending birth and more than associated pains.  I understood the necessity of the painter’s goggles to obscure my view of the discharges from the cow.

Neither forms of protection helped against the foul odors of trouble.

I could not move.  I heard Josh’s instructions, but I could not move.  Pedro began forcing me to move, but I struggled against his will.  This was beyond my comprehension and capability.

If it were not for Lupita, I would have never acted.  She took my gloved arms and told me to look at the cow’s eyes.  “The cow knows you are here to help.  She wants you to help.  She will take the pain all mothers will endure for the health of their children.”

I looked at the cow’s eyes.  I found truth in what Lupita said.  Don’t ask me how, but I did what Josh asked.  I knelt down to where Pedro directed, and for the first time in my life, said a prayer.

It took all I had to force both of my arms into the fully dilated cow.  It took all Josh, Lupita, Pedro, and Maria had to hold her down during the process.

Time seemed to stand still.

By morning, the veterinarian informed all of us that the birth was a combination of breach and nuchal cord.  While the latter is usually harmless for humans, the combination of both is usually fatal for bovines.

Such was the case for both mother and calf.

Dawn brought the silence of grief for the family.  Today was an unrecoverable loss for the family.  The joy of the night before could not permeate the sorrow hanging like a plague today.

The giggling girls avoided me foretelling of my immediate departure.  Lupita told me otherwise, but the look from Pedro confirmed what I knew for certain.

The wildcard in this disaster was Josh.  I found him at the 210, on his CB radio, speaking to a woman he called Lucy.  While not oblivious to my remorse, Josh was unusually elated in hearing this woman’s voice.  She spoke of meeting him at the airport in Salt Lake City.  His face revealed the smile of duplicity.  How can he make a date on a day like today?  How could Josh not feel anything?

I declined breakfast and urged Josh to return to the interstate with due haste.  I slept the entire way ignoring his pleas for me to wear the blindfold.  He did his best to double back a few times, but I didn’t care.  All I wanted was for Josh to arrive in Salt Lake City.  I was sure, by then, I could call Gillian and explain my misfortune.

By dusk, the 210 puttered into Utah’s capital and the end of the line for both us.  Ironically, only I knew why.  During the trip, Josh attempted to pry any emotion expression from me.  He never pressed, but given the duration of the trip, he never relented.  I might have been able to engage in the conversation, had I not heard her voice over the CB radio.  She could not be a casual acquaintance nor a recent acquisition for how many people know how to find each other  with a CB?  This must have been prearranged.  I must have been some sort of trial run, discarded when I could not perform to expectations.  The cow was my litmus test and I failed miserably.  To think how close I came made me not want to think at all.

I just wanted the day to end.


Chapter Seven

The lights of all large cities are visible before their skylines.  Salt Lake was no different in that regard.  While I have never visited in person, I made the best of a bad encounter.  A glimpse at my phone ensured a full charge and all five bars.

Josh found truck parking for the 210 at the edge of the airport’s lot.

“Miss Adler, if you have the time, there is someone here I would like you to meet.”

So indignant was Mr. Wallerp, he could not just set me free, he had to rub my face in his sordid life.  I was almost willing to grab my bags and walk away, when I ventured further into territory unknown, even for me.

“Why yes, Mr. Wallerp, I would be eager to meet one of your friends.”  Gillian, my sister, who should be worried sick by now, and would later have to pick up the remnants of my shattered life, would be screaming for me to take the high road.  She would urge a peaceful exit avoiding the ugliness such a situation would bring.

I will take Gillian’s sage advice on any other day.  Just not today.

For today will be a reckoning both of promises not made and promises intended.  I would publicly have it out with Josh with his harlot Lucy.  I would give him an earful and make sure the two of them never forgot the name, Kaylee Ann Adler.

So I walked with Josh, close enough to be a couple, far enough apart to be a serious couple.  Josh did not detect the full extent of my body language.  For while I am not a scorned woman, I could be.

That alone was my impetus for action.

It is funny that in such a large airport, we located Lucy in such a short time.  She sat at one of those small cafe tables, alone, waiting.  Her hair was perfect.  Her smile was perfect.  She was probably one of those brainless models who get paid to wave her hand and toss her hair.  When Josh and Lucy made eye contact, she rose and ran, as did Josh into each other’s arms like two long lost lovers.

My blood was already boiling.

Still in each other’s arms, Josh turned as Lucy gave him a kiss on the cheek.  Now it was his turn to turn rosy red.

“Kaylee Ann, I would like to introduce you to . . .”

I cut him off when I said, “Lucy”.  This disdain in my voice did not go unnoticed with her.

During the next five minutes of accusations and intolerable levels of yelling, I never gave Lucy a word edgewise.  I never stopped my accusations until airport security escorted me and my bags away from Josh and Lucy. 

Josh turned to grab me, but Lucy took his hand and pulled him back to her.  Josh was as paralyzed as I the night before.

He made his choice an it didn’t include me.

Fortunately for me, no one pressed any charges, but I was under house arrest at a nearby hotel.  I was not to leave until Gillian, my sister, arrived to sign for me.  Her new boyfriend, Detective Sidd Finch of the Sacramento PD brokered the deal.  Gillian would arrive by morning.  She would have as much explaining as I for the week.


Chapter Eight

I attended Gillian’s wedding (elopement) with Detective Finch.  She kept the affair small but the available pool of available groomsmen large for obvious reasons.  Yes, I flirted with most, gave my phone number to a few, but found none of the candidates anything more than a substitute, not a solution, to my broken heart.

Gillian, on the other hand, began a full-steam-ahead mission to move Detective Finch and her into the realm of parenthood ASAP.  And she accuses me of impetuous behavior!

As far as my interview goes, this time, I flew to NYC, and booked a room in an affordable hotel within walking distance of the interview.  I prepped more than any candidate should and became confident that my, and only my ability, would prevail.

On the morning of the interview, I walked the block to the rendezvous, assured I would be seeing more of this great city in the decades to come.

I entered the Plaza and greeted the concierge.  He had my name on his list and asked to wait in the preassigned room, for I was not the only one considered for the position.  I thanked him and remained standing awaiting my destiny.

Then she entered.

She being Lucy.

“Lucy Wallerp, sister to Josh Wallerp” is how she introduced herself as she extended her hand.

When I awoke, I found myself on the upholstered chair, the concierge and his first-aid kit in attendance, with Miss Wallerp biding her time until I revived.

“Miss Adler, it seems you have had a very exciting month.  Is there anything you want to say?”

I lost it right then and there.  I apologized for my airport spectacle.  I apologized for my verbal tirade.  I apologized for hurricanes and earthquakes.

It didn’t help.

“Miss Adler, let me have the floor for a moment.  After your departure, I had a long talk with Josh.  It took all of a few seconds to understand your position and your emotional outburst.  In fact, I had to explain to my brother why you did what you did.  I do believe he is most clueless about certain aspects of life.”

I tried to hold back a tear welling prior to its eventually release.

“What you did was impressive.  It shows courage in the face of impending disaster.  For that I commend your assistance to Pedro and Lupita.”

“However,” 

Now I began to cringe and by the look on my face, Lucy knew it.

“However, coupled with the entirety of your time with my brother, I find you are not the best candidate for the position in television production.  You are impulsive and careless, almost reckless, in the chances you take.  Do you often accept rides from strangers on a whim?”

I knew I should answer, but I couldn’t.  Gillian had been tough on me in Salt Lake City, but not this tough.  I felt as if I was in the Principal’s office.

“However,”

Now I felt nausea rising up, ready to overtake whatever decorum I had remaining upon hearing Lucy utter that word again.

“However, if you are interested, I can offer you the opportunity to interview for another position.  A position I do believe would be better suited for your skill set and temperament.”

My inquiry was as brief as Lucy’s remaining time with me that day.  I accepted the file she offered and book contained within.

I had to make quick work of its contents.


Chapter Nine

Within a week, I scoured all of Sacramento (and surrounding areas) for an authentic (factory) front axle with a 1 and 39/64 inch large end diameter knuckle pin; one of the last of its kind.  This was my insurance, my hole card.

Then, I contacted Miss Rita of Winnemucca, Nevada.  We talked for an hour or so about my previous stay and how we could work together in a mutually beneficial manner.  She asked just how “mutually beneficial” this arrangement could be.  I asked if she had an internet connection and a money transfer account.  Within minutes, she adopted my reasoning.

Then, with the assistance of my new brother-in-law and his access to vehicular databases, all I had to do was wait.  I did take a week of CDL driving lessons in the interim.

It took four days of planning, two days of purchasing, and eight days of waiting before I lured my catch with my bait.  Sidd told me of a small town in Beowawe, Nevada, near the Homboldt River with a garage awaiting a delivery of a singular item.  Gillian asked if I knew how to drive a vehicle large enough to make the delivery.

I informed my soon to be showing sister, if I couldn’t, it wouldn’t be for trying.

One call to Miss Rita to confirm the package will arrive.

One call to the local car rental to confirm the delivery vehicle was available.

Three days to make the trip.

In the 72 hours I had at my disposal, thoughts on both sides of the emotional spectrum danced in my head.  Sidd told me I was crazy.  Gillian agreed.  I rebutted with the lack of statistics concerning two week romances prior to marriage.  They both blushed for they both knew, in my family, impulsiveness is hereditary.

I arrived on time at Rita’s, checked in, as she made the phone call.  I even had time to freshen up while I waited.

He did come as he promised.  Josh was shirtless and driving a canary yellow Nissan Leaf.  He wasn’t surprised at the hoops he had to jump through to acquire the only forty-nine year old factory axle available anywhere in the free world he needed to get back on the road.  He was a bit shocked with the hoops I had to jump through to make it all happen.

“Got yourself a rather large tow truck there Miss Kaylee Ann.  Am I to assume the crate holds my axle?”

“It could be your axle if you meet my price.  What say you cowboy?”

He began moving closer to me. 

“You may say I am not much for Jasmine Perfume.”

“My dear Josh, are you quoting Blanche DuBois again?”

He placed his hands on my waist.

“Maybe I am.”  Now he leaned in to kiss me.  “But whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”  Now Josh kissed me as he should have many weeks ago.

When he finished, he still kept me close, still looking at me as intently dazzled as I was with the stars that singular night.  He didn’t want to break the mood, neither did I.

However, there was the matter of a business deal to conclude and I have yet to establish my price.

“Josh, Mr. Wallerp, how long do you think it would take to tow that hybrid of yours to Beowawe and repair that front axle on the 210?”

“Kaylee Ann, Miss Adler, would that be with skills of one person or two?”

“Mr. Wallerp, for the sake of argument, since I am no longer wanted in New York City, but have a standing invitation to Thanksgiving Dinner from my future sister-in-law (I pinched his arm while saying that), let’s think about two people always keeping the 210 in good repair.”

“Miss Adler, or should I say, Mrs. Wallerp, then it might take a lifetime for two people to keep the 210 in such a state of repair.”

“Well, I am now capable of acquiring parts, parts I would exchange at this very moment, if you could acquire a single part, perhaps consisting of gold and a solitaire diamond?”

Few people have that boyish charm.  Fewer still can pull it off upon demand.  Josh was neither of these choices.  His charm was sincere.  It was I that hoped to emulate all he possessed. 

I didn’t have to wait long for his answer.

It was one word to my proposition and four words for his proposition.

My answer was also “Yes”.

A quick look back to Rita’s only confirmed that her eyes never left the two of us.

Her smile was my smile that morning.


Andy Betz has tutored and taught in excess of 30 years. He lives in 1974, and has been married for 28 years. His works are found everywhere a search engine operates.

“Strolling by the Cemetery on Olivia Street” by Adela Brito


The rooster crows to awaken those who slumber
or to make the rest of us take note,
but at this spot, no one will rise from his call.

How long has he been practicing this futile routine?
Still, he ascends to the roof of a hut and crows once more
while a circling hen below thinks him a fool for trying to rouse the dead.

Corporals Mumford and Spence from World War I
are joined by vets from the Second, Korea, and Nam.
All rest here and none will stand at attention.

Lucy and Malcolm were greeted at the pearlies in the fifties,
and now, a shiny white railing, two chairs and the Virgin await guests.
I wonder how often their children, now old too, came around.

I sigh at the spot where Lisa and Casey are identified with Gone to be an Angel.
I say a prayer for friends whose babes also earned their wings early
and for another whose teen daughter departed by choice.

A new, sparkly section of recent arrivals shows evidence of visitors.
Balloons, flags, figurines, small vases with flowers…
But the residents will not react to the sweet gestures.

The rooster crows a third time, but I do not see him.
Did he slip through the black steel-barred fence to alert others?
Some who’ll deny like Peter and others who might awaken.

I must also be on my way to start anew or muddle through.
Will I rise and ramble or wait for a fourth squawk?


Adela M. Brito was raised in Miami, spent sixteen years in NYC, and now resides in Nashville, where she teaches composition. She holds an MFA in Fiction from the University of Memphis and is a professional editor of fiction and memoir. Her work has appeared in Hieroglyph, StoryBoard Memphis, Moko Magazine, and The Acentos Review.

Two Poems by Diane Elayne Dees


Amaryllis

The scaly brown mass rests just over
the water, its roots submerged
like the tentacles of a jellyfish afloat
in a shapely tank of ruby glass.
I observe it closely, hoping for a hint,
some secret of transformation,
but Hippeastrum does not yield.
Then, suddenly, one day there is green,
and it rises ever so slowly over days
and weeks. I watch the tip, which seems
about to burst, but it, too, takes its time,
opening just as slowly, revealing one
tightly clasped blossom at a time,
until one day, there is a burst of fireworks—
deep ruby or ghostly white, a Monet mix
of pastels, or a giant peppermint candy
of red and white. It is nature at its showiest,
but it is also a kind of miracle, the brightest,
most festive display of color emerging
from something drab and seemingly
impenetrable. I do not know the secret,
but I keep my heart open, and wait
for its slowly rising green to emerge
and show me colors I can only imagine.


Development

Perched on a lamp post outside my office,
a hawk stares at the vacant lot
that, just days before, was its home.
Pines and oaks came down to make way
for the latest clinic, and the hawk
sits for hours—for days—with nowhere
to go. We watch it as long as we can,
and join in staring at the space
that once held masses of black-eyed
Susans and tangles of blackberry bushes.
The hawk, the squirrels, the rabbits,
the cardinals, the finches— all displaced
without benefit of notice or court date.

Days pass, and finally, the hawk leaves.
We wonder where it went, and as
we wait for machines to mow down
the last vestige of forest, a stand
of monarda bursts forth like violet
fireworks–nature’s last defiant show.


Diane Elayne Dees is the author of the chapbook, ‘Coronary Truth’ (Kelsay Books), and the forthcoming chapbook, ‘I Can’t Recall Exactly When I Died.’ Diane, who lives in Covington, Louisiana, publishes Women Who Serve, a blog that delivers news and commentary on women’s professional tennis throughout the world.

“Coming Due” by Janie Kronk


“Hey, Dad.” Sam found his father working the grill. A basket of french fries hissed as they were lowered into the deep fryer, and identical slabs of “chicken breast” sizzled in neat ranks on the grease-slick cooking surface. “I think there’s something wrong with my paycheck.”

            “Something wrong?” Old Mule sounded skeptical, as though he were receiving news the Swiss army had just pulled up in the restaurant’s parking lot and demanded the surrender of their complete stock of shaved ham. “Doubtful,” he said.

            “It looks a little low. Less than what we agreed on.”

            “Uncle Sam has to take his cut, remember.”

            “I’m familiar with taxes, Dad. I mean the gross pay is low. Look.”

            Mule wiped his hands on the grease-mottled apron that languished around his neck, then squinted at the pay stub. “That’s right,” he said. “At least for the time being. Remember you totaled my car before you disappeared.”

            “My car.”

            “That we paid for. And your mother, God bless her, made me hire a damned private investigator to go look for you at the end of that first year. Like on television. That didn’t come cheap.” Mule took a deep breath. “Since you’ve borrowed gas money from Mom twice since you’ve been back, I assume you’re in no position to reimburse me for these losses, so I’ll deduct installments from your check until we’re square.”

            “Couldn’t we have discussed the payment plan first?”

            “Like you talked to us before you left? No. This isn’t about getting reimbursed. I just want you to understand the hurt you put on us when you left. The money was the least of it.”

            Sam’s back sweated under the radiant heat of the pizza oven. “They didn’t find me? The investigators?”

            “Do you recall getting found?” Mule returned to flipping chicken patties. “I figure you owe me about $9,600 in total, plus a whole lot of explaining. You’d have known if we’d found you.” He pulled the next order ticket down from above the grill. “Don’t worry, I won’t charge you interest. Since you’re family and all.”

            Sam gritted his teeth and tried to remember the things he’d learned in counseling. Tried to acknowledge his father’s anger. Tried to be patient. “Can we revisit this next month? The farm needs a lot–”

            “The farm. Funny you only show up when you’re about to get something. Wouldn’t be surprised if you sold it before your Gran’s even cold in her grave.” The older man turned back to his assembly line of sandwiches. He slipped the patties onto a queue of waiting buns, then dealt each a translucent, paper thin slice of tomato as if from a deck of cards. “You better get changed. I need you tonight.” Mule closed the sandwiches. “There’s a clean Lily Bee’s shirt in my office.”

            The  basement was just as creepy as Sam remembered it, with shelves of dry goods, dark corners, and an earthy smell to the air. A 10×10 office was framed out of the back corner, with harsh fluorescent lights and a battleship of a steel desk. Sam found the shirt and changed into it, folding the one he’d taken off on top of his father’s desk calendar. He turned the sleeves toward the center with a neat crease, revealing the words “Lily MRI”on the gridded white sheet beneath. He paused mid-fold, reading the names of several doctors he did not recognize. He thumbed through a pile of  bills and invoices on the credenza, several marked “Past Due.” Growing up, his father had always considered lateness to be the eighth deadly sin. Sam’s concern for his parents increased with each tri-folded bit of evidence that times were hard.

            Back upstairs, the first of the dinner crowd settled into the worn wooden booths and creaking chairs of the dining room. Model ships they had built together as a family sat displayed on shelves alongside seashells and woven nets even though they were hundreds of miles from the nearest beach. The bright blue walls stood in contrast to the gray day outside.

            “Hey, waiter,” his former classmate Oliver Erwin called.

            “Hey, Ollie. What’ll you have to drink?”

            If Ollie was interested in something to drink, it didn’t seem to be at the top of his mind. “So it’s true. Sammy Bonzo, back from the dead. Jonas said he’d seen someone coming and going out at your grandmother’s farm – sorry about her passing, by the way. It was a nice funeral.”

            “Thank you. You want coffee, tea? We’ve got Pepsi products.”

            “Make it a diet. And a steak hoagie, plain. Baked chips instead of the home fries – watching my cholesterol.” He patted his stomach as though demonstrating where his cholesterol was located. “And some of that land from you if you’re selling.”

            Nothing would have been easier than to sell the place to Ollie and have it out of his hands, to get back to his old life. Yet, standing in the Bee with his dad’s words fresh in his ears, Sam said to Ollie, “That’s not on the menu.”

            “You going to farm it?”

            “Yep. Garlic.”

            “Garlic?”

            “Gotta settle down sometime.”

            “And you’re settling with garlic?”

            “Wholesale organic brings in a good profit margin.” Sam didn’t know if it was true, but it sounded good.

            He slipped out back by the dumpsters to check his messages. A light rain fell on his neck. One text. Julie Haydn. He tapped the message, ready for a long, angry diatribe, but the message said only, “I miss you.”

            You too, Julie, he thought. He scrolled through the contacts, took a breath, and hit the call button. The phone rang into the parentheses between when he’d left and when he’d returned to this little town – into the space that might have been, with a restaurant of his own, and a wife, and obligations of his own making. The rain fell more steadily now. The phone rang three times before he lobbed it into the dumpster.


Janie Kronk is an architect, college instructor, and adult literacy tutor living in South Carolina with her husband and daughter. She is a fair bread-maker but a terrible gardner.

“Break Free” by Chelsea Elizabeth Samson


To the one who looks in broken mirrors –
you can stare at yourself for days.
Looking for a battle of imperfections
that you fight in so many ways.
You find your own body broken
your face you line with scars,
and yet you continue your own game,
even when you’re putting yourself behind bars.
I know that you’re tired and empty.
You feel that you’ll never win,
but I’m here to tell you
that this is the place to begin.
It’s okay to be lost and at bottom;
and to find yourself cut from your skin,
because your truth will always reveal you,
your essence from deep within.
You need not to be perfect,
in your struggle to find your space
You need only to forgive yourself
for doubting your inner grace.
Set yourself from burden,
Let your soul be where you can rest,
Let no one define your journey,
Because only you know yourself best.
And if you find yourself wondering,
if you can be all you can be
To the broken behind the mirror –
Don’t worry, I’ll set you free.


Dr. Chelsea Elizabeth Samson works in the field of health management and technology in the Philippines and advocates for human connections in the healthcare system. Alongside her primary functions, she pursues civic advocacies as a brand ambassador of Kandama indigenous weaves and as a Global Shaper under the World Economic Forum. She has been writing poetry since the age of 12 and has continued a love affair with arts through her painting and poetry.

“Assisted Living” by Ken Post

Tyler peered under the sofa and checked below the bed, two dressers, a desk, an end table and a nightstand— all the furniture in his mom’s assisted living studio apartment. “I don’t see it Mom.” Her left hearing aid had fallen out and disappeared into the clutter of the room, the compressed vestiges of what remained of her and her deceased husband’s suburban house.

“It’s got to be there somewhere.”

Tyler pulled his iPhone from the back pocket of his jeans and directed the flashlight beam under the sofa. “No luck, Mom.”

She patted his arm from her wheelchair. “Thanks for looking, honey. Did I tell you that Mrs. Nelson is here now?”

She actually had mentioned it several times in the last two days. Since he arrived on his monthly visit from western Pennsylvania, he was introduced to the same people on multiple occasions. He also found the stick of deodorant in her desk drawer that had been “stolen” by the health aides. At first, these things bothered him and his frustration spilled over towards his mom, as if it was her fault. Can’t she just pull it together? Now he knew there was not going to be any “pulling it together” and a saddened kindness settled over him. He still saw her dancing with his dad at their wedding, cooking Thanksgiving dinners for 20, and dressing in her finery to see Broadway plays. She was doing the best she could in a 370-square foot room, eating tasteless institutional meals, and going to bingo just to avoid another empty day in her room. “Mrs. Nelson is here?” He played along. “When did that happen?”

“A few months ago. A bunch of us were sitting in the lounge when she came in with her daughter—what’s her name? The one who was in all the plays. I got her number for you in case you wanted to call her.”

That would probably be Lauren. Call her? He hadn’t seen her since they graduated from high school forty-one years ago. They attended the same middle school and Mr. DelNegro’s Algebra II class in high school.

“I have to tell you something.” His mom leaned over from her wheelchair and in a confessional tone said, “Mrs. Nelson’s a little loopy.” She made the universal ‘kooky’ sign by pointing her finger to her head and spinning it. “She’s not all there a lot of the time.”

Tyler was thankful that despite his mom’s short-term memory loss and frailty, she still always recognized him and was capable of a normal conversation—when she could hear him.

“Anyway,” his mom continued, “She comes down from north Jersey almost every weekend to visit her mother.” She patted Tyler’s hand and he saw her battered veins, and constellation of liver spots. She left her hand on top of his and said, “Maybe you’ll run into her.”

***

Tyler shut the rear door of his Honda CRV and carried two cloth bags of groceries towards the front door of Golden Meadows Senior Living. Each visit he stocked his mom’s refrigerator with special treats. He passed a row of rocking chairs in front of Golden Meadows where three people had nodded off, heads either on their chests or awkwardly to the side. Another stared far away as if there was something fascinating going on at the apartment complex across the street. The last two quietly conversed, nodding to each other. “Good morning,” said Tyler.

He saw a flicker of eye movement in The Starer, glad to see some cognition and the other two returned his greeting, “Isn’t it a lovely day?”

“Yes, it certainly is.” It hurt him to see these withered husks of humans, like the dried, tilting corn stalks he passed on his way to Golden Meadows. Tyler turned to admire the fresh green leaves, catching the scent of the lawn’s first mowing of the year. He passed the massive lobby with its faux brass chandelier, and the baby grand nobody ever played. Just beyond the guest sign-in area was the downstairs sitting area, an array of armchairs and sofas parked around an electric fireplace. It was unnerving to think he might be occupying one of those chairs in twenty years.

 His mom looked up from chatting with a woman and waved to him. He bent over to kiss his mom on the forehead and held the overflowing bags up, “I brought you some goodies. I’ll put them in your room.”

Tyler’s mom tapped his arm and pointed with her head in the direction towards a woman sleeping upright on the next sofa. “That’s her.”

“Who?” Tyler’s arms were aching so he put the bags down.

She whispered, “Mrs. Nelson” as if her normal volume would awaken her when nothing short of a bone-rattling earthquake was going to rouse Mrs. Nelson.

“Mom, I’m gonna put this stuff in your fridge so I’ll be back down in a bit.” He went up the stairwell with its antiseptic odor and opened the door to his mom’s room. Tyler cleared space in the refrigerator for the items he bought, pulled out a sheath of papers wedged in the back, and saw it was the missing doctor’s bills he had spent fifteen minutes looking for the previous night. He set them aside and then tossed a jar of expired mayo along with a limp salad in a plastic container with a clunk in the garbage.

Tyler headed down the stairs and saw a woman his age wearing leggings and a striped top talking to the now-awake Mrs. Nelson. The woman with Mrs. Nelson stopped and looked around before spotting Tyler. The faint glimmer of recognition set in, like a shape appearing through a lifting fog. 

“Lauren, is that you?”

The woman leaned forward as if a few inches closer might help her decide who she was looking at. “Tyler Diggins, you haven’t changed a bit.”

She was charitable; he had gained twenty-five pounds and his hairline was in steady retreat. They maneuvered through a maze of wheelchairs and walkers and hugged. He didn’t know why; it was more like a reflex. They never knew each other well in high school or kept in touch over the past four decades. The embrace ended and they stood looking at each other, smiling, followed by a quick reassessment to see who they really just hugged.

They exchanged pleasantries: where each other lived (him Pennsylvania, her north Jersey), did they have kids (him two, her none), and who they had been in touch with from their graduation class. Her shoulder length blonde hair was now cut shorter, with some frosted highlights in it.

“Do you remember when Mr. DelNegro caught Vinny Castillo sleeping and whipped the eraser at him?” Tyler said.

“Hit him right in the head!” Lauren put her hand over her mouth but was unable to stifle laughing. “I guess I should probably get back to my mom. This was fun.” She hesitated for a moment. “How often do you get back here to visit your mom?”

“Oh, probably once a month or so. Since it’s a long drive and I’m retired, I stay in that hotel across the parking lot from here for a couple of days at a time. It’s just on the other side of the trees.” He pointed in the direction of the hotel. “I come and go around my mom’s schedule that way. How about you?”

Lauren turned towards him as if she was passing along a secret. “I love my mom, but I don’t have much of a life since I’m here almost every weekend.” She looked to see if anyone heard her but everyone was either engaged in their own conversation or had dozed off. “I don’t want to sound like a complainer but it does wear me down a bit.”

“I remember you had an older brother. Is he still around?” Tyler asked.

“He lives out in California now and comes to visit about twice a year so I’m pretty much ‘it,’ although he helps out financially.”

Tyler wished he had a brother or sister to back him up. His mom had a good pension from thirty years as an elementary school teacher but it would be nice to have a sibling to share the tracking of medical bills, prescriptions, doctor appointments, and shopping for Depend adult diapers.

“Anyway, the biggest help is Donna Delvecchio—remember her? She lives about three miles from here. We were friends in school so she lets me stay at her place whenever I’m in town. Her kids are all grown up, she’s divorced, and I think she likes the company. And a drinking buddy. It’s a bit of a wine-fest over there at times.” Lauren looked in her mom’s direction. “Anyway, I better check in with my mom. I’m going to help her with Sudoku. Maybe we’ll bump into each other again.”

***

Tyler kissed his mom good night and headed down the stairs. He stopped in the café, used the tongs to grab a few leftover banana muffins from the display case and wrapped them in a napkin, ready to head back to his hotel room. He realized the woman with her back to him reading her iPad was Lauren. “Hey, you’re here late.”

“Oh hi, Tyler.” She set the iPad on the table. “I usually stay until after the front doors shut, usually just hanging out with my mom in her room but the wireless connection is way better in this cafe.”

“Okay if I sit down? Tyler shoved the muffins in his jacket pocket and wondered what she thought of a guy taking day-old muffins from an assisted living home.

“Of course, sure.”

Tyler pulled up a chair. “How’d your day go?”

Lauren took a deep breath and tilted her head up before exhaling. “I kind of fibbed about coming down here for the wireless. My mom is so sweet but I really needed a break—she exhausts me at times.”

Tyler could relate; he’d just spent an hour with his mom putting together a list of her medications and searching for a Netflix DVD.

Lauren closed the iPad cover. “I’m really worried about her dementia. It’s hard to watch her deteriorate—she was such a vibrant woman—and I’m praying she doesn’t wind up on the Alzheimer’s floor.”

She teared up. Tyler wasn’t very good at this kind of thing, but took her hand and laid his hand over it. A few shiny drops edged down her face, curling around her mouth, so Tyler pulled the napkin off the muffins in his pocket and handed it to her.

“Thanks.” She wiped her tears and blew her nose. “What a load to drop on you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. My mom doesn’t have Alzheimer’s, but I’m kind of in the same boat. We can be shipmates.”

“Shipmates. I’d like that.”

***

A month had passed since Lauren cried about her mom going to the Alzheimer’s floor and they were back in the Golden Meadows café after normal visiting hours. After meeting for the first time, Lauren had slipped Tyler her cell phone number and email address offering to help bring items to his mom on her weekly trips to Golden Meadows, and their online and FaceTime friendship had blossomed. She was showing Tyler how to set up a Facebook profile.

“I don’t mean to intrude but you never mentioned what happened with your ex-wife,” Lauren said. “Did you know the guy who your wife took off with?” She sat back in the padded wooden chair. “I’ve read that ninety percent of people have affairs with someone the spouse knows.”

Tyler played with the zipper of his pullover. “Yeah, I knew the person. Kind of. But it wasn’t a guy, it was a woman. She was a co-worker at the downtown branch office so I’d met her at a few Christmas parties, potlucks, birthdays.” One of the several therapists they’d been to characterized their marriage as “mutual ambivalence.” Tyler still felt like the air had been knocked out of him when his wife told him she was leaving him. And for a woman. It was all so bewildering; he had collapsed into their green leaf-print armchair, unable to move.

“Wow, I’m sorry.” Lauren closed Facebook and sipped coffee from a Styrofoam cup.

“I guess I’m kind of over the shock. Funny how our kids wound up helping us understand the whole situation better.” Tyler knew he was fortunate to have two wonderful, resilient kids who had grown up to recognize their parent’s flaws but managed to adjust to the divorce better than he did.

“Your kids sound lovely—I’d like to meet them some time. You know, I do feel like I’ve missed out on something in life by not having kids. My husband was in the Peace Corps in Ghana before we met and got some kind of nasty bug that left him, as he liked to joke—seedless. He didn’t know it at the time but it kind of took that option off the table. The flip side was we traveled and did things we wouldn’t have been able to do.”

Tylor swirled his decaf with the little wooden stirring stick.

“When Daniel got diagnosed with cancer several years ago—” Lauren deliberated, waiting for the words to come to her. “Time seemed to stand still at first and then it just sped ahead and he was dead. Just like that.”

“I didn’t mean to dredge up bad memories.”

“No, no. It’s okay. Sometimes it’s good to be out with it. I couldn’t have said that until the last year or so.”

Tyler sat back and realized he hadn’t had a deep conversation like this in years. He was sitting in a cheesy little café with just four tables at an assisted living home and feeling more comfortable with the person across the table from him than he had been in a long time.

Lauren blew her nose and stuffed the Kleenex in her empty cup. “Would you be up for getting a drink? There are a few places close to here we could check out.”

“That would be fun,” Tyler said. “How about I drive—that way you can have a wine-fest without getting a DUI.”

Lauren made a small fist and gently punched him in the shoulder. “Now you’re talking.”

***

Tyler was under his sink fixing a leak at his house when the text message from Lauren arrived with a bing.

 “Visiting my mom this weekend, want me to bring flowers for your mom?”

Tyler wiped his hands on his shirt before texting, “Great. Thx!”

“What kind of flowers does she like?”

He’d never really given much thought to the kind of flowers she liked. He just knew she liked them. “Lots of color.”

“That narrows it down.” A smiley face emoji appeared.

Tyler was half-ready to drive six hours to Golden Meadows. He knew he couldn’t do it this weekend because he promised a friend he’d help paint several rooms in exchange for some Thai take-out. Every time Lauren texted or FaceTimed he felt a gentle electric current thrumming inside. The sun seemed brighter, the checkout lines moved faster, and each day opened with an air of expectation—reminding him there was a lot of living still to be done. He’d even started jogging again after several years, inspired by Lauren’s regular devotion to Pilates and yoga.

***

Tyler was outside raking, meticulously working the rake between a line of rhododendrons trapping a thicket of leaves. He enjoyed the contemplative motion of sweeping the leaves towards him with a shush, shush in ever-growing piles, broken only by the sound of the tines scraping the ground.

Sweat built on his brow and he went inside the house to get water. Pulling the phone from his pocket, he noticed a text from Lauren and realized he was so engrossed in raking he missed a text she sent shortly after he started working outside.

“She’s gone.”

Ten minutes later: “I really need to talk with you.”         

Who’s gone? Tyler set his glass of water on the counter. Her mom? Did she escape from Golden Meadows?He began to tap a response, cancelled his reply and dialed.

Lauren’s voicemail came on.

Tyler leaned over the kitchen counter, plucked a stray twig from his hair, and stared at his phone, willing it to ring. When it didn’t, he gazed out the window at the tidy piles of leaves he needed to gather and bag. All forward momentum on the leaf raking ceased and he hoped the wind did not scatter his hard work to the four corners of his yard.

Lauren’s name and number suddenly appeared as the phone rang. “Tyler, where have you been? I texted you two times.” He heard several cars honking so he knew she was driving.

Before he could ask what happened or explain why he hadn’t responded to the texts, Lauren cut in. “She’s gone. Gone! I got the call from Golden Meadows a little after 8:30 this morning when they went to give her meds. She died in her sleep.”

In Tyler’s mind the conversation blurred into a jumble of words like a spinning roulette wheel waiting for the little metal ball to fall into place. Then the wheel stopped and he gained his composure. “I can leave here in an hour and meet you at Golden Meadows.”

“That’s so sweet but this is going to be too crazy. I’ve been dreading this and don’t feel ready to deal with it.”

Tyler could tell she was crying and driving and knew it was not a healthy mix. “I can help—”

“No, no, not with this you can’t. I have to deal with her body, there’s tons of paperwork to complete at Golden Meadows, then there’s social security, an obituary, notifying friends and relatives. It’s endless.  At least she didn’t want a funeral service. Just donations made to the local animal shelter. My brother’s flying in tomorrow so that will be a big help. I appreciate your offer but I’m afraid you’d be standing around while we fill out papers.” Another horn blared in the background and Lauren barked, “Alright, alright, use your signal, idiot.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Just knowing you’re out there means so much to me. Look, I gotta go, there’s some kind of accident up ahead and the lanes are merging. Okay? Bye.”

The call ended and right then, Tyler felt more alone than he had been in a long time. He could not explain it, and he felt as if he tossed a lifeline to Lauren or she tossed one to him but they had both come up short, foundering in different ways. In only three days he had planned to meet Lauren at Golden Meadows. Now, that was off with no rescheduling in sight. It was selfish to think about himself while Lauren dealt with her mom. Still, it unsettled him in a new way; their visits at Golden Meadows added a sense of excitement and comfort he did not want scattered to the winds.

Three days passed without word from Lauren, and Tyler was torn between texting her, calling, or just being patient. Nothing helped except immersing himself in home projects and exercise. He finally got around to painting the old cabinets in his garage, and took off on long runs through East Park, huffing past mothers with kids bundled up in strollers, and elderly couples feeding the ducks.

***

The thick smell of lilies, roses, and tulips filled the air in the florist shop. A gray-haired lady with a green smock stopped snipping rose stems. “May I help you?”

“A friend’s mom passed away and I’m looking for flowers. What do you recommend?

“Lilies are always appropriate for a sad occasion.” She paused by a table with several bouquets. “Any of these white lily arrangements would do nicely.”

He pointed to one.

“Good choice. Are you taking them home or do you want them delivered?”

“Delivered, please.” He opened his phone, retrieved Lauren’s address, and handed the phone to her. “Here’s where to send them.”

The saleswoman copied the address on to a piece of paper. “Thank you. Now, what about the card?”

Card? Tyler hadn’t thought that far ahead.

“We could send a standard card if you’d like.” The woman smiled kindly at him. “Or you can write one and we’ll include it.”

“I’m not good at this, but I’ll write one.” He wished he was more eloquent and was envious of people who possessed a knack with words for solemn occasions.

“Here, take this.” She handed him a scratch pad and pen. “Take your time and get the words just right on the pad, and then you can re-write them on the card and it will turn out perfectly.”

“You’ve done this before,” Tyler said.

She nodded her head. “I sense this card is for a good friend.”

He wasn’t sure how to categorize Lauren. When he wasn’t with her, he was thinking of her. When they were together, the warmth she exuded wrapped him in an embrace like a comforter around his shoulders on a winter night. “More than a good friend.” Tyler scribbled words, scratched them out, wrote more, before coming to where he signed his name. Should he sign with ‘love’? Would that seem too pushy? Too needy? Tyler loved his mom and kids but it was not a word he bandied about often. He didn’t know how else to describe the sensation, and he warmed to it.

***

The gloom of Lauren’s mom’s passing turned the collage of autumn color on Tyler’s drive into a black and white photo stretching all the way to Golden Meadows. Tyler sat with his mom, was reintroduced to all her friends, watched TV with her, and straightened up her room, all the while half-expecting to see Lauren walk in.

Tyler put the leftover pizza in the fridge, wrapping the remaining slices in aluminum foil.

“I heard about your friend’s mother, Mrs.—what’s her name?”

“Mom, my friend has a name. It’s Lauren. You always refer to her in the third person but her name is Lauren and her mother’s last name is Nelson.” As soon as the words left his mouth he knew how hurtful they were. His mother looked down at her plate.

“I’m sorry.”

“Ma,” he put his hand on her shoulder, “I shouldn’t have said that.”

She put her hand over his and rubbed the top of it. “It’s hard when the people we care about aren’t around anymore. I miss your father and wish we could all be together again as a family.”

Tyler felt a sharp stab—so much was slipping away. “I know Ma.”

His mom turned in her wheelchair. “Does this mean you won’t be seeing Lauren anymore?”

“I don’t know, Ma.”

On his way out, Tyler stopped at the café to see if there were any muffins but the case was empty and even the serving tongs were gone. The coffee machine had an ‘out of order’ sign on it and a fluorescent bulb flickered like it was trying to send an undecipherable message.

***

After a week, Tyler texted Lauren to check in. “How’s it going?”

It was several minutes before he got his reply. “At Rutgers Med School office. Mom donated body to science. Have to complete more forms—disposal of remains. Wish this was over. Not sleeping well.”

“Can I call?”

“Not a good time. 8 people in waiting room w/me. Later?”

“Ok.” Tyler felt that if she could talk to him it would calm her. He couldn’t hide the pang of needing her in a way he hadn’t known until now.

There was no call later that night or for the next two weeks. His calls went straight to voicemail.

***

At the end of his visit to Golden Meadows a week later, Tyler turned his car north instead of west. He headed to Lauren’s house even though he’d never been there before. He had her address, but all their meetings had been at Golden Meadows. Should he call first? What’s the point? She wasn’t picking up.

The forty-five-minute drive sped by in the darkness of an overcast Sunday night. Thoughts raced through his head.What if she’s not there? Maybe he should pull over and text her. Should he just stop and think this through?

He pulled into Lauren’s development and matched the townhouse number to the one on his phone’s contact list. Her silver Camry was parked out front. The doorbell chimed and he stood there, unsure how to do this. He fidgeted with his car keys in his pocket.

The deadbolt clicked and Lauren opened the door. “Tyler, what are you doing here? This is a total surprise.” Lauren was dressed in a terry cloth bathrobe with a belt knotted at the waist. “How come you didn’t call?”

“I’ve been calling. You haven’t called me back for weeks.” It came out harsher than he intended. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” Tyler was one step down from Lauren, on the stoop, so he looked right in her eyes.

“Given everything happening lately, I guess so.”

Tyler shivered, realizing he’d left his jacket in the car. “Could I come in?”

“Now’s not a good time. I hope you understand,” Lauren said.

From inside the house, a chair scuffed. A man’s voice called out, “Everything okay, Lauren?”

“Is that your brother?” Tyler asked.

“No, it’s not. But I can— “

Tyler took a step back, almost stumbling off the stoop. “Now I get it. What were all those nights we went out for drinks about?” Tyler felt heat building in his chest, his jacket no longer necessary. “We talked for hours. Laughed our asses off too. What was that all about? Was I some kind of diversion?” He stalked back to the car.

“Tyler, can we talk about this?”

Tyler stopped and turned around. “That’s what I came here for.” His hand was on the car door handle.

Lauren followed him down to his car in bare feet. “Jesus, Tyler, stop for a minute and I can explain.”  She stepped on a rock in the parking lot and hopped on one foot. “This isn’t what you think.”

He sat in the car and shut the door, fumbling for his keys.

Lauren knocked on the window. Her face so close she fogged it.

Tyler backed out, almost clipping a white pickup truck. In the rear view mirror, Lauren stood in the parking lot with her arms at her side. His heart surged and his breath came in short gasps.

A moment later his phone pinged with a text from Lauren. “You need to let me explain.”

He flipped the phone on the passenger’s seat and stepped on the gas. The long drive home was a blur of blame and recrimination. At 3:30 a.m. he pulled up to his house, having driven for six straight hours. No coffee, bathroom breaks, or radio. He reached behind him and rubbed his sweat-soaked, sore back. The darkened house, with only a dim kitchen light on a timer, wasn’t inviting. Tyler slumped in the seat, tempted to recline his seat and fall asleep. He retrieved his phone and saw Lauren had texted two more times before giving up.

Tyler unlocked the door, pulled his Penn State hoodie off, and it slipped from his grasp on the entry way floor. In the bedroom, he tossed his shoes into a corner and dropped on his queen bed with his clothes on. A great weight seemed to press him down; he could almost feel himself sinking into the bed. Sleep would solve things—for now—and he welcomed it as it overcame him.

***

A week went by and Tyler slogged through his daily routine. Coffee and internet surfing in the morning, a trip to get his cholesterol medicine, beer with frozen pizza at night. College football. More beer and pizza. It wasn’t healthy but he couldn’t stop himself. It was a full power failure, no brownout, no light dimming. He missed the spark of Lauren’s texts, the FaceTime banter, and the way time compressed, as if he had entered another dimension.

A visit to see his mom was coming up and he couldn’t be morose with his mom. It wouldn’t be fair and he didn’t want to burden her with his sinking love life. She lived in a different world now, and he wanted to keep it as blissful a space as possible.

***

At the Golden Meadows Holiday Gala in December, Tyler sat in the audience with his mother while a choir from the local high school sang Christmas carols. Later on, in the small theater a double feature was going to show Miracle on 34th Street followed by White Christmas. The smell of popcorn from the theater’s little machine wafted into the main hall. Tyler sat next to his mom and looked around at the other seniors in the room. Half of them belted out carols, words on the song sheets in their hands in big, bold print. Several people nodded off, despite the din, and sheets lay scattered on the floor around them. Tyler’s mom held his hand and tapped her foot to the music.

After the carols and a movie they adjourned to her room for dinner and the evening routine of watching TV. Tyler had one eye on the TV while he washed the dishes. 

“Meet in café in 5?” flashed on his phone screen. It was Lauren. Tyler almost fumbled his phone into the sink.

 “OK”

 “Mom, something’s come up. I’m going to take off when I’m done cleaning. I put your leftovers in the fridge.”

“Okay, honey. Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Right after breakfast but first I have to pick up your prescription.” Tyler kissed his mom. “Good night.” He felt like a kid sneaking out of his parent’s house late at night to meet a friend.

Lauren was dunking a doughnut in her coffee, her pocketbook on the table.

“What are you doing here? Tyler stood next to the juice dispenser.

“The staff was very kind and boxed Mom’s stuff up and put it in a storage room.” Lauren blotted a few coffee drops on the table with a napkin. “I just didn’t have time to deal with it right then with so much other stuff going on.

“Like not calling me back?”

“Tyler, you’ve got this wrong. That’s why I want to talk.” She moved her pocketbook. “Please, sit.”

Tyler pulled the chair out and sat, hands in his lap. He wasn’t sure he was ready to listen to what she had to say. Why had he left his mom’s room so fast? The mix of emotions flustered him, but here he was, so he might as well hear her out. “How long have you been here?”

“A few hours. It took me that long to get the courage to text you.”

“And?”

 “I know I’ve been a total shit lately.” She paused to wipe crumbs off the corner of her mouth. “I am so sorry. I just kind of hit a wall dealing with everything. I turned into one of those people who I never thought I’d be: numb and non-responsive. I can’t explain it any better than I guess that’s the way I grieve.”

Tyler recalled the first few months after his wife moved out. He had never been much of a drinker or TV watcher, but the TV turned into his companion. Its consoling glow and endless chatter filled the house, drowning out the stillness. His kids bought him a membership to a health club after they saw the empty beer bottles in the recycling. The membership went unused, and he made token appearances with friends badgering him to “get out more.”

“To top it off, my brother and I got into a big fight and were barely talking to each other when he left. And I miss my mom most of all.” Lauren cupped her hands over her face as if it were an oxygen mask, and took several long breaths.

“Aren’t you skipping something?” Tyler leaned forward, his hands on the table. “The guy at your place.”

“I’m getting to that.” Lauren paused, and clutched her pocketbook with one hand. “That guy—James—is a former coworker and friend. His wife asked him to move out a few days before you showed up at my door.” She let out a deep breath. “Anyway, it wasn’t the best time for me, but I’m a pretty caring person, so I said he could stay at my place for a bit since I have an extra room. Give him time to gather his thoughts.”

Tyler sat back. It sounded plausible. How could he be sure?

“James had been at my place a few days but his emotional needs were draining the little mental energy I had left. Five minutes before you arrived, I had asked him to get a hotel room starting the next day.

“Well aren’t I the jerk?” Tyler stared down at the table, fiddling with his Penn State class ring. “I don’t know what came over me—it just hurt so bad knowing you were with another guy.” He had always been the one in control of his emotions, the steady one. It was as if Lauren was removing one brick at a time from a fortification he built around himself. “I came down here assuming we were finished. I should have given you time to explain yourself.” It had been a long time since Tyler had felt the way he did about Lauren. His life had been consumed by her. Losing her so suddenly that evening was too much to bear, a wall toppling. “I am so sorry.”

“Don’t beat yourself up. I know it didn’t look good. I want to get back to where we were.” Lauren reached out and touched Tyler’s hand. “Can we do that?” He opened it and she placed hers inside and said nothing. The coffee maker gently hummed next to three stacked columns of Styrofoam cups. Thin slices of lemon floated in the water cooler, and three doughnuts sat in the display case.

Lauren looked at her half-eaten doughnut, “What do you say we go somewhere else?”

“I’m not sure we’ll be able to capture this ambience anywhere else.”

“It’ll be difficult, but let’s try.” Lauren picked up her pocket book and they walked through the main hall until she said, “Stop.”

 “What?” Scanning the entry he saw the baby grand with a large poinsettia on it, glittery decorations proclaiming Merry Christmas, and some large striped green and red candy canes hanging from a few picture frames.

“Look up,” Lauren said.

That’s when he saw it: mistletoe.

“You’re supposed to kiss me.” Lauren positioned her face towards Tyler.

This was certainly a holiday gift come early. After all they’d been through. He wasn’t expecting it, which made it all the more pleasing. He leaned over, planted a kiss on her cheek and felt the warmth rising from her.

“That’s a pretty lame kiss. Here.” Lauren grabbed Tyler’s face and kissed him deeply on the lips. “I can do better than that, too.”

He wasn’t sure if it was the cameras everywhere in the building, but immediately after the kiss, an attendant came by asking if they needed to be let out since the doors locked after 9:00 p.m.

“Sure,” said Tyler.

The doors rumbled open and as they walked out, an icy landscape greeted them. A freezing rain glazed the azalea bushes and branches tinkled in the breeze. They skirted on to the grass adjacent to the sidewalk so they didn’t fall. A half moon slipped through the clouds and reflected off the ice, as if the world was made of fine crystal, and icicles hung from the street lights. Lauren’s car was encased in ice a half-inch thick so they both hung on to the car to steady themselves.

“I’m never going to get this door open,” Lauren said.

Tyler figured he’d need a blowtorch to clear the glacier formed on it. “It doesn’t make any difference.”

“What do you mean?” Lauren’s car keys were in one hand and she clutched the side mirror with the other hand to keep upright.

The parking lot was a sheet of ice glowing like a skating rink in the incandescence of the streetlights. “Where would you go? You wouldn’t make it out of here without wrecking your car.”

Lauren peered around the lot. “I don’t really want to sleep on a Golden Meadows sofa.”

“Who said you need to do that?”

“You have a better plan?” Lauren said.

 “As a matter of fact I do.” Tyler grabbed Lauren’s gloved hand and linked arms with her. “Why don’t you spend the night at my place?” It was a bold move, partly out of necessity but more because he had wanted to ask that question and never had the confidence. Until now. Until that kiss. Tyler looked at Lauren and saw the glow of the moon in her eyes.

 “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, “Lauren said, “but I’ve been waiting for you to ask me that for the last few months.”

They shuffle-slid across the parking lot arm in arm, tottering like two wobbly Emperor penguins on an Antarctic stroll. As they entered a copse of white pines leading to Tyler’s hotel, he turned to look back and thought he saw his mom standing in the window before the light went off in her room.


Ken Post migrated from New Jersey to Alaska 40 years ago, spending many summers deep in the woods working for the Forest Service. During the dark winter nights his imagination flares like the northern lights outside his window. Ken’s fiction has previously appeared in Cirque, Red Fez, and Poor Yorick.

“Making Promises I Won’t Be Able to Keep” by Dan Cardoza


Mary lost both of her breasts and perky nipples. We had a good laugh. After all, it was still possible we’d both catch up with them in heaven.

Our gallows humor was reminiscent, of when Bart Simpson asked the Sunday School Teacher, “Ah, ma’am, what if you’re in a really bad fight, but you’re a good person, and you lose your leg to gangrene and it needs to be amputated, will it be waiting for you up there?” Up there, at the ceiling, is where Bart pointed.

We were a few Rosary Beads short of ungodly, atheists really. We regularly shared a laugh or two about an imaginary afterlife. Our playfulness was just one of the acquired bitters that zested our wry banter.

Before we could discuss purchasing them, Mary died. There was nothing funny at all about that.

~~~

My lovely Mary and I met at Stanford, “Creative Writing, I would like you to meet Levi, pre-med.” After graduation and my residency, we were off to the races: heavy dating, a short engagement, marriage, followed by a promising future together.

We remained in the Bay Area and bought an income expected home in the suburbs, began working on the 2010 Census, the ubiquitous 2.5 children. Somehow we ended up with just two. We truly lived each day together as if there was no tomorrow, and as is often the case, surprise, there wasn’t one.

~~~

Right until that grey Monday, the day when Mary abruptly ended, we were supportive of each other’s loves, hopes, and careers. Mary was a terrific human being, a wonderful author, and highly read. I’ll be honest. I’m an average orthopedic surgeon, a decent bone mechanic. On my best days, I’m very good at cutting, drilling and cinching ligaments and tendons to bones. Everything at work has gotten so routine. There have been times, I wished I’d specializing in a more humanistic form of medicine, like repairing or replacing the pathos valves in weak hearts. I’ve been conscientious and overprotective of mine, unnecessarily so, for the longest time. Mary took very good care of it. And Mary was very quick to tell just about anyone, how well I cared for hers. But I didn’t show it enough.

Ok, our marriage wasn’t perfect by any means. In fact, we broke our wedding vows, once. We each experienced a quintessential midlife affair, exactly on time per Gail Sheehy’s book Passages. Our feet got dirty, feet of Clay as they say.

It was Mary who told me about the meaning of, ‘feet of clay.” As it turns out, the phrase was coined by a bygone king named Nebuchadnezzar, a shrewd and imperfect ruler of Babylon. What the phraseology means is that we all make mistakes, I think. I know we admitted to ours, one each, short affairs, hot, so not worth the price of betrayal. Yet our mutual infidelity was nonlethal poison. All it left was a bad aftertaste. Trust was tarnished but never lost.  

Mary and I were very honest about most things, brutally real. And before we married, we promised we would always keep our word. Our affairs eventually developed enough distance to become part of our repartee.  It’s because we both knew love was never part of our infidelities. We agreed, we’d even forgotten the color of their eyes, if not their names, if they had children, or if they had any interesting hopes and dreams. It became obvious over time, the later areas of interest were constructs singularly meant for us.

We were horn-dogs, Mary and I. We couldn’t keep our dirty hands off of each other, as we would tease. Hell, we did it a time or two after her Taxol treatments, in the tidy and antiseptic assigned recovery room at Mercy Hospital. Now that’s radioactive love. What love can’t fix it can mend. I admit our sex wasn’t as vigorous as home. And honestly, we’d spent most of the downtime behind the curtains holding on each other tightly. After all, closeness was what we were really looking for all along.

There are times the acidity of cancer can eat holes in a marriage. It can metastasize quickly, so much so, you can fracture and splinter along known fault lines. One can only bare sadness for so long, before it takes your mind somewhere else. We’d seen this happen to others. There’s often a high tide of sorrow before it demolishes a relationship. We defined this as martial urban decay. We were fortunate, this never happened to us.

Oh sure, at first, there’s support and new found affection. There’s directed attention, roses he’s never bought you before. And with successful treatment and time, there may be cancer-free trips to Europe, or Puerto Vallarta, if just to bleach in the sun and celebrate.

Then, it’s back to sex every two weeks or so, the waiting mortgage and the ever demanding children.  Back to the collective 401-k’s, and of course the predictable spike in divorces. Yes, divorce, because the couples aren’t whole, either together or apart. The important things we keep hidden deep inside turn up missing or worse, they became forgotten. The whole damned family develops PTSD.

At a bar once, during a break at a knee replacement seminar, in Santa Clara, a physician friend of mine spoke about empathizing with a loved one, “Jesus, I can’t explain it. It’s not something I signed up for, that’s for sure. Nothing is ever the same.”

“Ted,” I said. “Each day, nothing is ever the same. Signed up for? What the hell, its marriage, not the damned P.T.A.?”

“You know what I mean Levi, even with newer and bigger breasts, it’s different.”

I haven’t seen Ted since that day. I don’t do objectification. Oh, well, he was a damned cheat at handball anyway.

~~~

The thing of it is, nothing is ever the same when you love someone. Thank goodness for that. We are built to evolve and move forward in life, not dwell in stasis, or worse, move in reverse. Sure, love needs a tune-up once in a while, in any relationship, really. And certainly, we need our separate space, our private thoughts, even away time from each other. Something Ted never understood was how Mary and I had actually grown closer, since…

Ok, we didn’t use the term a lot, breast cancer. Why? It scared the hell out of both of us, the possibility of losing what we had, each other, our future.

But somehow, we came to terms with it all, shared love right up to the end, and beyond really, though of course, it’s different now. I miss her mind and her great ass. I miss the infinity of her natural perfume, the real essence of who she was.

So now it’s time I explain our agreed promises. When we married, we promised to be honest, just short of the occasional white lie: the length of the German Brown I caught on a fly-fishing trip with some buddies. Mary, she’ll be home in just under an hour. It was always more like two or three.

Sure she came home, after shopping the mall for those important things, new shoes, a fresh novel, that surprise birthday cake, I told her I never wanted again. The one I loved and thanked her for. The years do that to you. Ten years of marriage make you enjoy each other’s harmless crazies. But we kept our promises. We were sublimely and brutally honest.

The second promise was that if something ever happened to the either of, whomever survived would somehow, someday move on, and be open to another love. If love is goodness, we agreed to be open to finding it again.

It’s been two years now, who the hell is searching, not me. I just started titrating from 100 mg. of Zoloft last week. I’m jittery as hell about the possibility of any new love.

The third thing we promised each other, or rather, I promised her occurred right before she died. She made me promise that I would take her wedding dress into the deepest part of the forest somewhere in the Sierra’s and burn it in a white funeral pyre.

“Yes, Levi, I’m dead serious.”

“But why?”

“Some crazy bitch is going to try on my wedding dress, I just know it. You won’t even know Levi. It’ll be her dark little secret. I exist, there is only one of me,  you have to promise”

It’s then our eyes crash and freeze. I let it all sink in.

“Understood,” I say.

And now I’ll explain our final and fourth promise that we made to each other. This one we made before we got married. We agreed to keep each other’s secrets to our mutual graves.

She did that, the better half of ‘us.’  She was the brilliant and the delicate sadness part of us. I’m certain she died with no secrets.

As for me, the clumsy, aloof and arrogant one, I’ll die with kept secrets. 

When she developed post partum depression from her two miscarriages, I lied and told her I understood how bad she felt. I really didn’t, even though it comforted her.

And there was the time, I surprised  her with the good news of my vasectomy. That was the day she’d broken all the plates in the China cabinet. She eventually forgave me. I never regretted what I did and never asked for forgiveness although I received it. This I kept to myself. Two children were never enough in perpetuity.

This guilt is on me and my own anxieties about my version of what it’s like to be a man, with all my weaknesses and feelings of insecurity. I barely felt competent and responsible enough to raise the children we had.

~~~

Mary’s in a custome cherry-wood box now. The box sits on our redwood mantle. I burned her wedding dress a week after the funeral and burial. Hell, I burned up all her clothing. Grief has a way of giving you what you’re expected to able to handle, and then some. It allows for the most exquisite creativity.

A month later, I paid a Craigslist masseuse.  Just to show Mary how much I missed her, and how quickly I’d moved on, exactly as we’d promised each other. Somehow, I get the feeling she was aware of my struggle. It was that painful.

It wasn’t long after I ripped a few kitchen cabinet doors off their noisy hinges. A week later, I broke our widescreen T.V., I never watch it much anyway, too much violence. It was seismic, a rolling earthquake. I miss her, it felt good.

I even tried church one Sunday and yes, the damn rafters shook. And after, I drove the long way home and threw up, out the window. I cursed myself as a damned bigot and pounded the steering wheel. The next week, before surgery, in a bathroom at the main hospital, I carved on the stall, ‘Mary loves, Levi.’

Shortly after, I asked another surgeon to cover my scheduled 2:P.M. surgery.

~~~

So let me bring you up to speed. Five years have passed. Five years after the loss of a loved one feels like an eternity. There have been a few changes though. I live in a high rise condo now, in San Francisco. I’ve dated a time or two, but I’m still single. At this stage in my life, it’s not about being rusty, or someone not being good enough, it’s more about making promises I won’t be able to keep.


Dan’s poetry, fiction, and nonfiction have appeared or will soon appear in Apple in the Dark, Aphelion, BlazeVOX, Bull, Cleaver, Coffin Bell, Entropy, Gravel, O: JA&L/Open: Journal of Arts & Letters, Lowestoft Chronicles, Mystery Tribune, New Flash Fiction Review, Poetry Northwest, Running Wild Press, Spelk and Your Impossible Voice. Coffin Bell has nominated Dan for the Best of the Net Anthology, 2020.

“We Thought You Knew Better” by Elizabeth Wadsworth Ellis


He was scheduled to appear a third time, but having met him after his first concert no one told me he was scheduled to appear here again.  “We thought you knew,” they said. None of us knew it would be his last.

He was that kind of friendly celebrity who talked to his audience, a genial host, and we were guests at his party, this musical performance. Admirers in the audience would run up the aisle and throw notes to him on stage. I did, too. He would read them, requests mostly. “’For Nancy? I never did it to Nancy so I’ll do it for Nancy. [LAUGHTER.] This one’s for Nancy.” He picked my note up. He did not read it aloud.  After the concert I drove home, relieved the babysitter and went to bed.  The phone rang. It was him. He invited me to visit him in his hotel suite near the airport and I accepted his offer. It’s been over thirty five years now and I remember only two things about that night: that in giving his fingers massage they were wiry from the playing the guitar for a living, and that he asked me and I declined.  He was married and I didn’t want to be that kind of groupie.

I searched for a suitable gift to give him the next time, the 2nd time I would see him in concert. I clearance to go backstage to deliver what brought him fame. I was escorted backstage before the concert where he and his musicians were eating together. A large table was set up with food.  He got up from the meal, came over to me and accepted my gift with grace. I left then and took my seat in the audience. “No gift can be accompanied by a claim,” John Berger wrote. I wondered afterward how many other people, how many other times in his career fans had given him the same. People in power receive trinkets.   

Even the White House has a Gift Department with rules of what is and is not acceptable or even legal; graft, an attempt to corrupt, bribe, or garner favor or influence. Ordinary people will send a stick of gum. “I can’t keep all this junk!” I heard an official say while cleaning out his office.

I heard that a woman in New York City waiting in line for an ice cream cone noticed Paul Newman waiting as well.  Afterward she looked for the cone. She remembered buying it.  Mr. Newman told her, “It’s in your purse.” Paul Newman signed my parachutist log book, but in my family showing off and tooting your own horn was not acceptable.  “Who do you think you are? Better than us?” One-upmanship was roundly despised; however, if you caught a fish you can bet John J. P. caught a bigger one, and it was said John S. P. sired nine children to prove his manhood.    Did people fawn over him?  Celebrities resent countless invasions and intrusions. Celebrities complain that interviewers ask repetitive boring stupid questions. Attractive people attract people with the traits we admire, traits we crave and wish for ourselves.  This singer was neither buff nor washboard abs.  His charm was his warmth, his charisma.   This morning his name came up and I realized I never wrote about it; that in accepting his offer I put my kids in their pajamas in the back of the station wagon bundled up in blankets still asleep and drove there.  They were still asleep when I returned to the locked car.  If they stirred they fell back asleep and slept through. It was not unusual to sleep in the car. They’d slept in the car many times on long drives home from visiting grandparents at night or long drives on an overnight trek when we couldn’t afford a hotel and we all slept in the car together. Still, what I did was reprehensible. “We thought you knew better.”    


“He shoots, he scores!” She writes, she draws, she’s published. Publication is proof, validation, value. Vindication.

“Smokestacks” by Paul Brooks Balkan


Capturing blueberries on the woodline,
deep in railway valleys‒
in rusty fields.
Placing quarters on steel rails
squashed by roaring locomotives.

Tacking hide on smokehouse bricks,
with care forever.
Forgetting beauteous fields
within white winters,
where you saunter in childhood.

Toiling away in factories,

because they rose up.

The sky was grassy hilltops and
fat trees alone in fields.

Smoking pots and boxes
rose on our horizon,
like dragons,
serpents of the Old World
come to burn the New.

Capturing bramble weeds in thin woodline,
deep in crowded railway valleys
and rusty chain fence.
Placing quarters on metal tables‒
our shining scraps taken for rent.

Tacking hide on smokehouse walls,
is tacking eviction notice on that great big smokestack
in the distance.

Forgetting fields of simple, joyful labor
not in winters
of childhood,
but forever.

Remembering for every second
cages of smog
in the sunset.


Paul Brooks Balkan is a poet based in the Vermont area.

“It’s All Speculation” by Max Talley

Louise Nyles waited in an empty Conde Nast office. Strange, no receptionist outside, just Louise’s name on a sign taped to a door. Inside, a meeting table with six leather swivel chairs, and framed magazine covers displayed across the walls. Though the Art Attack interview was slated to focus on her painting career, inevitably she would be asked about Philip. Alive or dead, her husband remained a looming storm cloud.

The bastard picked the right moment to die—that was for sure. December of 1989. At the tail end of the New York art speculation boom which made his fame and fortune. Their fortune. Now, in mid-February of 1990, the world felt different in downtown Manhattan. The art obituaries had been written. The failure of Warhol’s final paintings to sell, a panicked retreat by Japanese buyers who had broken all records in purchase prices for Van Gogh and Picasso, an auctioneer at Sotheby’s reduced to tears in January after no offers came, even at the opening bid.

It became personal two weeks ago when Louise’s SoHo gallery, Dorn-Saxby, informed her in writing they would cease representation as of April 1st. She being the April Fool. The incestuous art world didn’t know yet, so no reason to broach the subject today. Louise would kill for good press right now.

Being married to a legendary eighties artist had initially been a boon, but soon became an albatross. Louise could actually draw, paint, and even sculpt, while Philip stuck household objects to his canvases’ thick impasto of random paint splashes. Pieces from Philip’s Fork series and Ashtray series sold for $50,000 to $70,000 each, while her work peaked at under ten grand. Louise had grown used to being treated like an add-on, a plus one in the fizz of gallery opening, wine parties that she trundled through on a weekly basis. She suspected niceties directed toward her, were in fact attempts to get closer to Philip’s iridescent glow of success and art scene notoriety.

Most in-the-know knew they’d been separated for two years. He lived in their renovated West Village brownstone, while she shuttled between a tiny apartment paid by his monthly allowance and the Harlem painting studio she rented herself.

Louise felt a sense of guilty relief upon hearing of his fatal heart seizures. Philip had been warned repeatedly after previous heart attacks and bypass surgery. She hoped to benefit as the surviving Nyles. A towering redwood tree felled to reveal vibrant life at the carpet of the forest. No, the damn art market collapsed . A fickle market at best, fueled on hype, hokum, cultist belief, and unfounded speculation.

The door clicked open. “Hello?” A woman in her mid-thirties tapped in on heels, wearing a jacket and skirt. She shook a boyish bob of dark brown hair away from her eyes. “I’m Emily Duran, and it’s an honor, Ms. Nyles.” They shook hands.

“Louise is fine.” She knew the type. The downtown gallery scene was replete with young ladies between twenty-two and thirty-five dressed in black. Graduates from liberal arts colleges like Bard, Vassar, and Bennington. They swam about on the blurry periphery as assistants or event photographers, determined to be part of that world. At some point, they discovered they weren’t and would never become professional artists. The talent or opportunities they hoped for never materializing. By then, they’d witnessed the darker side, had endured relationships with married gallery owners or temperamental painters. They usually went skulking back home to Philadelphia, Chicago, or Cleveland, never to be seen again.

“Have some water.” Emily filled two glasses from an Evian bottle. She sat across the table from Louise and set her microcassette recorder between them. “Before we start,” Emily said, “my condolences over your husband. Philip Nyles was an artist, a legend.” Her mouth trembled. “Though I never interviewed him, I knew him casually, from various events.”

“Thank you.” Louise scrutinized Emily. Hangers-on frothed and trailed in Philip’s wake at gallery openings. Those “may I get you a drink, I love your new work, let me refill your wine glass, want to smoke a joint, where’s the after-party?” people.

Emily looked fragile for a moment, but smoothed her wrinkling jacket and sat up straight to switch on the recorder. “You’ve been showing at Dorn-Saxby Gallery for ten years. Will this relationship continue into the nineties?”

Louise danced around the truth. “I am currently represented by Dorn-Saxby, and it is 1990.” She smiled. “However, with the art world upheavals, I think it’s important to also branch out to Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Santa Fe—which is the fourth largest art market in America now.”

Emily cocked her head. “Upheavals? You mean the Wall Street Journal article on the speculation boom ending and the art market crashing?” She gazed up, in-between taking notes.

“That’s right,” Louise said. “I also sense the death of Warhol in 1987, Basquiat in ’88, as well as Keith Haring’s recent passing have wielded a cumulative effect. Art buyers get skittish. Who are the new champions? Do they gamble on untested artists or just wait and see?”

“So you think we’re in wait-and-see mode?”

“As an optimist, I’ll say yes.” Louise didn’t believe herself at all. Whatever was or had been in Manhattan was now over—dead and buried.

Emily paused the recorder. “I didn’t want this assignment.” She fiddled with her silk scarf. “I’ve followed your career, thought you deserved more…” Her words trailed off. “Also, since I knew your husband professionally, I told my editor I wasn’t detached enough to be a good interviewer. But he insisted I could get to the bottom of the mysteries.”

“Mysteries?”

Louise had dated Philip in her mid-thirties, then married him at thirty-nine. But by age forty-five he no longer wanted to sleep with her.

“We have a deeper, more important love,” he’d said in their 11th Street brownstone. “We’re creative partners, bonded through our work.”

“So less-important physical love is reserved for assistants and groupies?”

“I am not in love with anyone else,” he’d insisted, almost pouting. Deflecting.

“Except yourself.” She frowned and soon made the small second floor den her bedroom.

After that, when they ventured out together to parties or openings, Louise developed a radar for Philip’s affairs. She couldn’t read it in him. Philip acted flirtatious toward man and woman alike, telling boisterous jokes and relaying stories about famous artists that always ended by shining a flattering light upon himself. No, Louise gauged it in the women. Charmed, blushing, touching his arm or hand, laughing a bit too hard at well-worn anecdotes. Some undoubtedly loved him, while others saw that numinous glow, wanted to be rescued from their squalid East Village studio apartment, minimum wage, bottom dweller on the art pyramid lives. To be recognized, gossiped about, and desired, instead of treated like the anonymous, bow-tied wine servers in starched white shirts consigned to the outskirts of every event. “May I fill your glass? Would you like the red or the white?” Smile.

Louise came back into focus. “Please, continue.”

Art in America praised your genius, saying that after thirty years of painting, you retained your initial primitive style and infantile technique.” Emily paused. “Were you flattered?”

“Not really.” Louise connected the dots. Emily had shadowed Philip at parties, running errands, proffering drinks. Maybe three years ago, then Emily later disappeared from his orbit. Philip’s affairs lasted a year at most. Consistent in his attraction to women between thirty and forty, even as he aged toward seventy just before his death.

Louise was forty-nine now, and every morning she stared in horror at fifty rushing relentlessly at her in the bathroom mirror. Maybe this Emily still retained bitterness after being dumped. Louise never forgave the young boy who rejected her to play with another little girl in a Long Island sandbox decades ago.

“As artists, was there competition between you and your husband?” Emily asked.

Louise laughed, drank Evian, coughed and continued laughing until Emily appeared uncomfortable. “Philip was world famous. His galleries had waiting lists of buyers wanting a future creation, sight unseen.” Louise paused. “While I have a small coterie of buyers who are from New York or nearby. My art is valued lower. I’d rather compete with myself. It’s less frustrating and humbling.”

“There was talk, perhaps unfounded, that his Tea Cup attachment series was created by a warehouse of minimum wage workers, and—”

“—those prints he signed, now attributed to other artists,” Louise finished. “Yes, it seems every dentist in Florida bought one.” She stared directly at Emily. “My husband became entangled with various younger women. Even after heart problems and warnings from his cardiologist, he drank nightly, chain-smoked Camels, and snorted drugs. He got distracted from creating new art. From what I know, he spent valuable time buying off girlfriends, paying for their…operations, and fighting fraud charges with lawyers. That forced him to raise cash. Sometimes using dubious methods.”

Emily’s face reddened as she stared downward. “You believe no one else shared your husband’s vices?”

“Ha!” Louise thumped her hand down on the table. “I’ve been in rehab and at detox centers. I wish half the gallery world would check-in too. My point was, while many of us lived lives fueled by alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity, we weren’t doing so after a quadruple bypass operation.”  

“I…I wouldn’t know those details,” Emily stuttered.

“A girl in every port. In Berlin art circles, Germans nick-named Philip—”

“Enough.” Emily stopped the tape again. “I apologize.” She wiped her brow with a handkerchief. “I got off-topic. This interview is about you. What do you see for your future art?”

“Different light and more space in my work, less clutter. The Southwest is calling.”

Emily rubbed her forehead while wincing.

“Are you alright?”

“Just a migraine.” Emily swallowed Advil with water. “Last question. I apologize if it’s sensitive. There are allegations your husband might not have died from an overdose of heart medications, but in fact committed suicide, or that someone else may have been involved.”

“Pure speculation,” Louise said. “Philip took twelve pills a day for his heart issues. We’ve lived separately for the past two years, but I know his short-term memory has been weak since he turned sixty. He could have easily forgotten a morning dosage and doubled it. I begged him to hire a live-in nurse after bypass surgery. He never listened to me…” She rolled her chair backward. “We’re done, right? I need some air.” Louise had revealed too much. She clawed at the recorder, extricating the cassette.

“Hey, wait!”

“Use your notes, or memory. You’re a pro.”

Outside, the sky hung gray, wind gusting litter into the air. Louise shielded her eyes with sunglasses from the soot and whatever Manhattan’s harsh elements might throw against her. She tied her graying hair back and wrapped a Cat in the Hat scarf about herself, then merged into the hurried street pace of pedestrians. After walking ten blocks down Broadway, Louise could see the purple banner with gold lettering flapping in the breeze outside Dorn-Saxby Gallery. A grumbling tour bus idled by the curb. “See the famous SoHo art scene before it goes extinct,” she imagined a guide announcing.

Frederick Dorn sat on the edge of a desk just inside, flirting with the latest young blonde receptionist, Britta or Gitte.

“Freddie, I was in the area. Came to pick up a few pieces.”

“Hey, Louise.” Dorn stood and hugged her. “Glad you dropped by. We’re holding a demonstration today.” They moved into the main exhibition room, where her work had hung many times in the past. No longer. The entire floor lay covered by tarps and a giant piece of canvas was affixed to the center of them.

A Slavic-looking man with hair in a tight bun wore strange plastic clothing, gloves and booties. He immersed himself to the neck in a bathtub of paint.

“What is this?” Louise turned toward the gallery owner.

“The future.” Dorn smiled. “That’s Abzorba,” he whispered. “Performance artist and human paintbrush.”

New York pedestrians and a Japanese tour group from the waiting bus formed a circle around the man, gasping and taking photographs. Abzorba rose out of the tub, his face grim and determined, before laying down on the eight by ten strip of canvas. He began to roll about, straight across then diagonally, paint splashing and spreading everywhere.

The audience broke into applause. The artist raised his paint-spattered chin, basking in their approval.

“And that will sell?” Louise asked quietly.

They moved toward Dorn’s rear office. “In time it will,” he said. “Installation art, performance art. That’s the future.” He studied her critically. “I wish you could adapt.” Dorn opened the back room which once served as her spare painting studio. Now, several television monitors sat on carpeted pedestals playing videos of a woman’s stomach operation from different angles. “Bianca Mendoza’s gallbladder series is astonishing,” he said. “Incredibly cutting edge art. A surgeon visiting from Brazil yesterday offered us $50,000.”

Louise sensed herself shrinking away, a speck of dust, soon to be a sub-atomic particle.

Dorn pointed to a medium-sized canvas with thick variations of the color brown rising above its surface. “You know Miklos from Budapest, right?”

Louise nodded to mask her ignorance.

“Instead of paint, he uses a variety of animal dung. Stunning.” Dorn sighed. “Miklos is considered the foremost excremental artist in all of Eastern Europe.”

Louise felt dizzy. “I don’t know…”

“Weezie, I love your work, but two-dimensional abstracts aren’t selling right now. Buyers in 1990 want your heart, your soul, your bodily fluids!”

Dorn and Louise bundled four smaller paintings together. “Uh, someone called for you.”

“A buyer?”

“No.” Dorn paused. “He wanted your mobile number. I didn’t give it.”

“Thanks, Frederick.”

                                                            #

With the canvases propped under her arm, Louise hiked toward the uptown subway stop north of Houston Street. Dark clouds hung low around downtown towers and parapets, while passersby looked gray and gaunt. Pigeons showing discolored plumage clucked and flapped about trash bins. Metal gates creaked in alleyways between buildings where gargoyles leered from cornice moldings above. Positively Medieval.

Louise read movie ads pasted to the plywood walls surrounding construction sites: Jacob’s Ladder, Pretty Woman, The Godfather Part III, a giant airbrushed image of Madonna plastered on the side of a building. She heard rap and rock and reggae and Puerto Rican music she couldn’t summon a name for. En route, her mobile phone rang inside her purse. She removed the walkie talkie-sized object and answered.

“Darling, it’s Sergio,” the man said. “I’ve solved all your problems.”

“What?”

“I’ve found a buyer for your pieces,” he said. “Twenty-thousand to add to the existing twenty you tucked away. Now you’ve got enough for a deposit on that delightful condo in Santa Fe.”

“Really?” She dodged around two surly males reeking of booze. Louise felt confident her phone could serve as a brick to ward off any human wreckage. “Somebody wants two of my paintings?”

A long interstice of silence followed where Louise thought they may have become disconnected.

“Love,” Sergio finally said. “After the market crash? I can’t ask or get ten grand for one of your pieces anymore…”

“Okay, so it’s $20,000 for three?” Silence. “Not four?” Her voice cracked.

“Four pieces,” he said in a solemn tone. “But before you scream, you won’t have to split the money with Dorn-Saxby. So you haven’t devaluated that much. Just subtract my 20% and the rest is yours.”

“20%? You were getting 15% through December.”

“Sweetheart, take a Valium. God knows I’ve swallowed them daily since the crash. I sent the statement regarding managerial fee adjustments—to your Harlem studio address.”

“Oh, I forgot.” Louise never checked her mailbox in that lobby. Too dangerous to linger. Drug addicts often lay sprawled in the vestibule. She raced upstairs to her third-floor studio to avoid making contact with a single living soul. “Please send future mailings to my apartment.”

“Yes, definitely, Louise. But what about the offer?”

“For which? The green paintings, my stomach bile series?”

“No, the blue ones.”

“Oh, the bacteria series.” Louise shook her fist to repel a cab edging toward her on the crosswalk. “It’s terrible, awful. Such an insulting offer.”

“So you’re not interested?”

“Damn it, you know I am,” she said. “Have them sign a bank check to me by Monday. I leave for New Mexico end of next week.”

As Louise rode the subway uptown, she thought of Nestor Garcia. A real estate agent, and professional flirt. As Nestor showed her houses and condos around Santa Fe, their flirtation became serious. Her one week reconnaissance mission stretched longer as they began an affair. Idiotic. He was thirty-nine, not a painter, musician, or a creative soul, but he certainly became an art enthusiast upon hearing of her husband’s death. Even in the Southwest, Philip Nyles’ name commanded recognition, and the whispery respect that a large bank account earns one.

Louise hadn’t explained about Philip’s previous wives and four children, all vying for the inheritance. At present, his will was being contested in court, with only the competing lawyers earning money. Not enough to go around. Philip had wasted countless thousands on medical bills, lawyer fees, his absurd collection of objet d’art from across the globe. Eventually Nestor would realize. Then Louise would know if this foolish fling was just that or perhaps her last chance for a serious relationship. Her mother had warned, “Never be single after fifty, especially in a crowded, manic city like New York.”

At the 125th Street stop, Louise carried the paintings toward her nearby studio. Creeping gentrification had not yet reached this neighborhood. Vacant lots sprouted weeds and garbage, condemned brick buildings showed boarded-up windows, rusted signs hung outside long-closed stores, and watchful people lingered on stoops. The blat-blat-blat of youths dribbling basketballs sounded from a nearby playground.

Louise hustled up the stairs to be startled by Laroy on her landing.

“Yo, Ms. Nyles,” he said. “I knocked. Thought you might be in the zone.”

“Laroy, I’ve known you for two years. It’s Louise,” she said, gasping for breath. They had met when she moved in.

He was fascinated by a middle-aged, white woman renting a painting studio in Harlem. Laroy loved to study her canvases when she had finished, though admitted, “The colors are sweet but I don’t understand this abstract shit at all.”

“Nobody understands abstract art,” she’d said. “You just feel it or enjoy it on a non-logical level.” Louise hired him for odd jobs: painting, fixing windows, even bringing occasional bottles from the liquor store he worked part-time at. A wise decision. No one in the building hassled her with Laroy as a protective spirit.

“How are things at Uptown Liquor?” She asked, since he lingered on the landing without clear direction.

“Place gets robbed every week. It’s crazy.”

“Wow. Aren’t you scared of getting shot?”

“No. Most of the homeboys remember me.” He pointed vaguely in the direction of the basketball courts. “I just give them the cash. They leave me alone.” His face sank into a frown as he scratched his head. “Listen, two men been by asking for you, yesterday and this morning. White dudes in suits. Like cops.”

“I told you about my husband’s death.” She set the paintings down. “Probably lawyers, or their assistants.” She rubbed her face. “Maybe the landlord. I’m behind on rent.”

“Uh, the landlord looks like me.”

“That’s Myron, our apartment manager. He collects our rents for the company downtown.”

“If you say so. But those men seemed eager to find you.” Laroy wandered toward the stairwell. “Give me a shout if you’ve got any new projects.”

“Will do.” She locked and bolted the studio’s door behind her.

When shadows grew long outside her window—the ancient fear of night and being lonely and widowed amid the thrumming pulse of Manhattan rising vampiric until dawn creeping into her consciousness—someone pounded on the door.

Louise pulled the boombox’s plug from the wall socket and sat huddled in the corner, silent. Laroy always drummed three taps up high, his code. This was a conventional knock-knock.

“Mrs. Nyles?” Solid pounding again, then footsteps descending on the hard iron staircase.

Never answer your door to the unknown in New York.

                                                            #

On Wednesday, Louise called Nestor in Santa Fe. “Hey, I’m flying out Friday. Hope to put down a deposit on that place I loved, and…I want to see you too.”

“Louise,” Nestor said. “I’m busy now, a client is closing on a house. Let me write down your flight and arrival time. I’ll pick you up.”

“I’m landing in Albuquerque not Santa Fe.”

“No problem. Less than an hour drive.”

She told him the details.

“See you soon, Louise. Got to run.” He disconnected.

Louise took her Pan Am flight from La Guardia to Albuquerque Sunport. During landing, she stared out at the low buildings, the spread of desert and snow-capped Sandia Mountains rising up. Maybe people were right, the light really was different in New Mexico. Softer, more artistic.

Beyond the gates, eager family members waited on arriving passengers, but no Nestor. Perhaps she’d landed early. Louise walked just outside the terminal basking in the sunshine. Fifty degrees felt warm and comfortable for February. She called Nestor on her mobile phone. No answer. She winced but wouldn’t let it spoil the start of her new life; she’d escaped.

Louise tried Nestor again, at his office number. A receptionist at Plaza Real Estate answered.

“He’s out of the office today,” she said. “I can take a message.”

“Well, I’d hoped to speak to him…”

“I understand,” the receptionist replied. “Nestor’s up in Taos skiing with his wife. Could I get your name?”

“No, I have to, uh, go.” Louise clicked her phone off. In the distance she saw a handsome Latino man approaching her and smiling.

“Mrs. Louise Nyles?” he asked when close.

“Yes…”

“Detective Sanchez, Albuquerque Police. May we speak?” The beaming man led her into a room behind the baggage carousels, where lost luggage got stored. And indeed, several molested-looking suitcases lingered on a large wheeled cart.

“What’s this about?”

“I’m afraid I need to request you return to New York City.”

“Seriously? Why?”

“Full autopsy results came in for your deceased husband. Philip Nyles’ death was no accident. Someone deliberately gave him too much heart medication.”

“What? How does this involve me?”

“You are one of two people sought for questioning.”

“So it’s all speculation?”

 Sanchez didn’t reply.

“And if I refuse?”

The detective’s smile flatlined. “You are not under arrest, but are required to return for questioning. The dinner’s quite good on the flight. Southwestern chicken, I believe.”

“You said two people.” She thought for a moment. “Not the writer Emily Duran who works for Art Attack Magazine?” Her ears felt clogged with wax, the detective’s words a blur.

“That name came up.” Agent Sanchez frowned. “But she’s unemployed.”

Louise watched daylight swooping through the automatic doors leading out to cabs and shuttles, studied the oversized Georgia O’Keeffe prints hanging along the walls. “It’s all speculation,” she repeated, but Sanchez wasn’t listening.

He crooked an arm into Louise’s elbow and led her reluctantly toward the gates and flights, while she recalled her mother’s recent words.

“There are two types of people, Louise. Those who leave Manhattan to never ever return, and those who try and try to get away but keep getting dragged back. You probably don’t want to hear which type I think you are.”

“You’re right, I don’t, Mom.”


Max Talley was born in New York City and lives in Southern California. He likes to write fiction and essays, paint surreal images, and play guitar, and believes road trips are so essential for inspiration. Talley is associate editor for Santa Barbara Literary Journal.

“The Moon’s Thief” by Rachel Racette


She awoke under the dark starlit sky. Gasping her first cold breath, puffs of smoke bursting from her lips as she steadied her pounding heart. She rose, soaked to the bone, clad in nothing but her own milky skin and long twisted pale hair.

He stood there, offering a hand wrapped in rags, bright eyes crinkling from beneath his wide-brimmed hat. She smiled, returning the gesture he hid beneath layers and layers of cloth, and took the offered appendage.

(Once upon a time, the Moon was very lonely. For longer than she could remember, she had illuminated the night sky, alone save for the dazzling stars. But the stars, for all their golden glory, were cold and distant. Ignoring her every call and cry. Why? She did not know.

No matter what the Moon did, she remained alone, shunned by the very ones who should have understood her. Still, she called out, despite the silence ringing back at her. For a long time she continued, speaking just for the sake of something, growing more and more despondent.)

The woman beamed as she followed behind her companion, one hand held tight in his, lead through the shadows unfamiliar and frightening. Still, her companion never let her trip or stumble, guiding her as easily as if they stood under the blazing sun.

She bit her lip, laughter threatening to burst, but she knew she had to be quiet for now. Her other hand clutched the rough fabric of her borrowed coat closed as they ran, numb fingers twitching. Everything hurt. Her senses burned with the rush of input; sounds, tastes – the differences made her head spin. Every touch sent her senses alight with scorching white pain; the feel of his coat was almost as cruel as the dirt and rocks and even the grass pressing against her feet felt like hot blades stabbing into her pale flesh. But still, she pushed onward, even as her mind burned and swirled in dizzying spirals, knowing he was there to catch her if she fell.

Being down here was agony, and she loved it.

(After so many years, the Moon stopped giving her silent neighbors any more of her attention. Instead, she focused her sights on the world below; the one for whom she shone her gentle light. And what she found, made her shine brighter than ever.

Little creatures; humans, dancing beneath her light, creating their own in return. She liked it when they did that, because despite the distance; their light was always warm and welcoming.

For a time, her loneliness was sated, and she filled her long quiet nights with the human’s warmth, their laugher and sorrow and passion. For the first time, she did not feel alone.)

They burst from the treeline, racing downhill through tall grass beneath the dim light of the distant stars above. Almost there, almost home, she chanted. Pushing herself faster and faster, nearly side by side with her companion. Sprinting, unimpeded until they reached a wooden cabin, the doorway a dark gaping maw that they didn’t even hesitate to leap through. Now, wrapped in her companion’s arms, the woman laughed. Laughed loud and long and with ringing power as they fell into the soft comfort of his darkness.

(Until one day, inevitably, the Moon decided watching wasn’t enough.

She realised she was still so alone, for the people never spoke back to her, never called to her in conversation like she did them. She was just a dim source of light to the life below. Suddenly, those orange lights weren’t so warm.

But the Moon would not give up, the life below was still so much better, so much closer than the wretched stars. She would not give up, she held out that someone, someday soon, would call on her.

They had too.

Then one day, someone did.)

On her back, the pale woman stretched, curling in the softness of her companion’s bed, waitingpatiently with her eyes closed as he went around lighting candles and his fireplace. Casting the room in warm gentle light.

Along the walls hung grand tapestries and artwork. The warped wooden shelves held a multitude of treasures glittering gold and silver, gems shinning with pride from their chosen places. Anything heavier sat slew across the floor, forgotten amongst the various thick volumes of books stacked high, appearing ready to collapse at the slightest shift in the breeze.

The air tasted of smoke and the tang of magic, several vials and powders remained open upon a nearby desk, threatening to spill their contents across the pages laid across the polished wood surface.

Finally, he turned, casting aside his hat, boots as he approached her. The woman smiled, reaching out and nearly pulling the man onto the plush bed beside her. He fell with a gentle thump and a breathless chuckle.

(Atop the tallest mountain beneath her light, stood a man. Wrapped in dark flowing clothes, his face hidden beneath a wide-brimmed hat while fabric wrapped around beneath his eyes.

“Moon!” Called the man. “I am the greatest Thief in the world; I have stolen from countless Kings and Queens, I have tricked monsters out of their possessions and swept treasures from beneath the hands of gods, and now I have come to steal you.” He boasted, eyes bright as he stared up at her.

“You sad little creature.” The Moon sighed. “You cannot steal me. I am untouchable, and I am far too large for you to contain. Even if you catch me, your land and people would not allow me below.”

“Does it matter what they will allow?” Called the Thief. “You are the Moon; you light paths of shadow for weary men, your will commands the tides, you, who are worshiped by men and gods alike. Who would dare say what you can and cannot do?”

The moon said nothing, for once, she was silent.

“I will steal you.” The Thief insisted, pressing a fist to his chest. “I swear I will.”)

The Moon grinned, lips pressed against her Thief’s cracked lips, stealing his breath and warmth as they lay against the furs and pillows and other soft things he’d stolen for her. She settled her palm against the rapid thump of his heart, warmth blooming in her own chest as her pulse matched his.

The things he’d done for her comfort she never dreamed she’d be able to repay, but when she pulled back and looked into her Thief’s bright eyes, saw the time clawing across his face, the weakness growing ever more noticeable under his skin, she saw only satisfaction blazing in his gaze. Perhaps her Thief did not care.

Perhaps it was enough that she was His.

(Years passed, and the Moon forgot about the Thief who swore to steal her. She held no fear, no delusions the man’s plans would actually work. Yet, a small part of her wondered, what if she could be stolen? She wondered what it would be like to travel as his treasure.

There would be no silver glow upon the land, no light to guide the weary through the dark, yet, the human’s often used their light to see, instead of hers. Would it really matter if she was stolen? Would anyone notice? Would anyone care? Would anyone try to put her back?

The Moon began hoping for the Thief’s return.

And return he did, with magic in his hands and words she had not expected on his lips.

“Let me steal you,” The Thief asked. “I have long heard your songs, your cries for companionship. Is it worth it to stay alone up there in the cold?”

“No.” The Moon said. “But would I be happy with you? Would you keep my loneliness away?” She asked, soft and afraid, bursting with hope.

“Yes.” The Thief said. “I take care of what is mine.” He said, his gaze outshining her light.

“Steal me away.” The Moon begged, and so the Moon was stolen. Right out from the gazes of the stars, from the gazes of the men staring up into the now frighteningly dark night sky.)

The Moon smiled, and gave everything to her Thief without hesitation, without regret. She had been stolen by a Thief, but not once had she felt trapped, or alone. Nor would she in the years to come. Yes, she had been stolen. Yes, she was His, but he was also hers. And neither of them would have it any other way.

(They say a Thief stole the Moon. Stole her light for himself, stole away the safety of the night. Now that she was gone, the Moon was suddenly very important indeed. Even the stars, who had callously ignored her, searched with all their being. But the Moon was never found.

Eventually, the Moon returned, happy and brighter than ever. Never a word was spoken about her absence or how she returned, but every once in a while, the Moon disappeared, stolen again and again only to be put back. The world moved on, and legends sprang up of a Thief so daring he stole the Moon not once, but many times, and despite the pattern of the thefts, he was never caught. Returning the moon only to steal her once again, no matter what anyone did to keep her in the sky.

They say a Thief stole the Moon, in truth, it was the Moon who stole a Thief, and used him to escape her loneliness.) 


Rachel Racette, born 1999 in Balcarres, Sask. Love writing characters and creating new worlds. Always loved books of fantasy and science fiction as well as comics. The world is beautiful and terrifying, it is a world of imagination.

“Assumptions” by Ryan Lowell


Tonya had no idea. She was asleep when Corey and his buddy Larry got the car stuck out in the woods on an otherwise quiet Sunday night, she was asleep when Corey came stumbling into the house around midnight, and she was still asleep when he fumbled with his lunch box out the front door, still buzzed, at six twenty in the morning. The police officer, on the other hand, did know what happened. It was fairly obvious that the two young men were out driving around drunk doing donuts and then decided to go off-road in a sedan that was not supposed to go off the road. Tonya wouldn’t know anything until Corey got a ride home from work, and then she would likely wonder why. Because she was going to need the car they shared to get herself to work that night. In the end, he could hear her saying. It was her current phrase of the month, something she seemed to say before everything. Before that, it was in a sense. In the end, Corey thought as his trusty buddy Larry dropped him off at work, she’s not gonna be thrilled about this. He tossed a handful of gum in his mouth and thanked Larry for the ride.

            Corey punched in and went out to the warehouse and started loading his truck. It was cold in the unheated warehouse. Loading his truck with a quickness only achieved when he was trying to stay warm, Corey decided there were two reasons why the cop had let them off. One, and probably most important, his driving record was impeccable, and the cop would have seen that he held a CDL. Second, the cop felt sorry for him. Corey vaguely remembered his voice cracking as he spoke of his career in driving and lying about his wife having their first child in her belly.

            Need to stop drinking, he thought, pushing a pallet jack into his truck. The classic overreaction. He’d made this statement to himself roughly a hundred times since he was seventeen, and every time it didn’t go well. Because seldom are we sincere with ourselves. He was too young to quit doing dumb shit. Even with the gray hair he’d been sprouting since age twenty six, the gray hairs which he had accepted with grace, the gray hairs which Tonya had requested he color.

            “Corey!” His dispatcher screamed from the warehouse floor.

            Fuck, Corey thought. Here we go. He stopped about ten feet from his boss, and stood. Keeping his distance, so his dispatcher wouldn’t smell the booze oozing from his sweaty pores. “What’s up?”

            “You remember delivering a safe on a Friday?”

            Corey looked up, squinting deep into his memory. Friday was a long time ago, a lot of alcohol ago. “Yeah,” he said. “On that dead end street.” By now he knew he’d fucked up. He just wasn’t sure how. But he was curious.

            “Do you know who signed for it?”

            “Yeah, it was the neighbor. ‘Cause the people weren’t home, and I called the number you  gave me and left a message. I was sitting there waiting probably twenty minutes. So this kid comes over and says he can sign for it, he knows the people.”

            “What did you do with the safe?”

            “He helped me drop it down off the truck. It was like, two hundred pounds. We pushed up next to the garage. He said it’d be fine there.”

            “Well, the customer called asking where the safe was, and Jen told them it delivered on Friday. They said nope, they were gone all day Friday, and they don’t see a safe anywhere.”

            “Brian, you know we do this type of shit all the time.”

            “Yes — when the customer says it’s okay.”

            “I just assumed, because obviously he knew the people.”

            “You assumed. And you know what happens when you assume? You make an ASS out of YOU and ME.” Corey had heard Brian give this line to other drivers many times, but it was the first time he’d heard it directed at himself. He’d rather it was directed at someone else. He felt like an idiot, remembering the stupid smirk on the kid’s face as they shook hands before parting ways. Brian said: “Did he have a vehicle?”

            “There was a pick up truck parked on the street.”

            “What kind of pick up?”

            “Red Ford F150.” Which was not true. He just wanted to sound certain of something.

            “You better hope they know this creep and he just hid it somewheres,” Brian said, heading back towards the office. “Because that’s on you if he stole it.”

            Corey finished loading his truck. He pulled the door shut and went to the break room. He took his paperwork off the counter. One of the other drivers came in from the warehouse. “Morning,” Corey said.

            “Yup, hey, are you delivering that nice pallet of hardwood flooring today?”

            “Yeah. Some place in Stonington.”

            “Why don’t you swing that by my house on your way outta town. I’m redoing my bedroom floor.”

            “Fuck off.”

            The other driver smiled, and said: “My old lady will sign for it.”

            At least they hadn’t taken away his regular route. The Downeast route. Or the Gravy run, as the other drivers called it. But Corey had earned a good regular route. Because aside from occasionally giving other people’s freight to punk kids in pickup trucks, normally Corey did exactly what his dispatcher liked: get the freight delivered, don’t call unless you need to, and don’t complain. Punch out, go home.

            But today there was much distance between each stop. Windshield time, they called it. Which translated to thinking time. Not necessarily a good thing when one’s life is in the toilet. Taking stock, pondering why he’d made some of the decisions he’d made in life, such as giving up on learning a trade (as his parents wished) and instead going to truck driving school (as a friend had suggested). He reached in his lunch box and ate cold Pop-Tarts for breakfast, thinking about how much better a McDonalds breakfast sandwich and hash brown would be. He couldn’t afford luxuries like that, not while trying to scrimp and save so they didn’t have to share a car anymore. But things could be worse: he could easily be eating a crappy breakfast in the county jail instead.

            His phone vibrated on the dashboard. He tilted the phone and read the text: So where’s the car

            Whaaaaat?

            No punctuation, which cemented her intention to sound pissed off. But how would she know? Fuck that. Don’t respond yet.

            He pushed his phone back across the dash. Glad that he hadn’t bragged to her in the morning about being let off by the police. That would have been embarrassing. No, fucking silly, considering his present life status:

            Ain’t it crazy, babe?

            What were you doing?

            Oh, you know, we were ripping pills off my dashboard and drinking beers and doing donuts out on Route 46. Just a typical Sunday evening.

            And how old are you?

            Yes. I am thirty.

            And he knew the foolishness of his juvenile behavior and somewhere in the back of his mind he was well aware that at some point something was going to happen that was going to force a change in him, and that something was probably going to be bad and until then, he was not letting go of his infantile lifestyle. But he almost had, about six months ago when she got pregnant. Suddenly everything was going to change. No more getting wasted every weekend with his buddies and doing stupid things out in the woods. No more pounding vodka and cranberry juice cocktails before dinner and then passing out afterwards. Soon he would have a little human to worry about after dinner. And early in the morning. Then she had a miscarriage.

            He was on a winding narrow road, trying to find his first delivery. Old homes sparsely spread and half the mailbox numbers not readable, either because there were numbers missing or the numbers were too small. He slowed for a stretch, then sped back up and blew right past the number he was looking for and didn’t realize it until he was a quarter mile down the road. He kicked the flashers on and backed up, not concerned about another car coming — he hadn’t seen another vehicle since town. He kept backing up directly into the long driveway, trying to avoid the low hanging branches that dangled above. He put on his hat and gloves and jumped out. The woman was supposed to be home — she needed to be home, because he needed a signature — but there were no cars in the driveway and no garage. Hoping she was home and she was hot and she was desperate for a handsome young delivery man. He knocked on the door.

            The door opened immediately, as though she’d been waiting for him. “Hello,” she said. Much older than he’d expected, hoped. “You must have my treadmill.”

            “I sure do,” he said. Fuck, he thought. She seemed to have a hard time standing — clearly she wasn’t going to be much help dragging that heavy box off his truck.

            He went back to the truck and climbed in the back and with his pallet jack moved the treadmill box onto the lift gate and lowered himself and the treadmill down to the ground. He heaved the box up on it’s vertical end and pushed a two-wheeler under it and rolled it to the front steps. Technically, his job was finished. He was only supposed to get the freight to the door, then it was up to the customer to get it from there. But he couldn’t leave it outside. No way she was getting it into the house on her own and wasn’t it supposed to rain later? So he wrestled the treadmill up the few steps and into the house. She was watching him the entire time, not saying a word, probably making sure he didn’t ding her door trim with it. He pushed it inside enough so that the front door would close, then he rose and wiped sweat from his temple. All done, he thought.

            “Thank you so much,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”

            She was going to get some tip money, he thought. Nothing special, five bucks maybe. But that was lunch money, baby. He’d take it.

            She was taking a while. He started thinking about all the other deliveries he had to make that day, before going home and figuring out a way to drag his car out of the woods. Then she returned, but she didn’t have any cash. She was holding a toolset.

            It would’ve taken me all day to assemble that fucking thing, Corey thought, defending himself from himself. He was back on the road. A half hour or so to the next delivery. Surely, she had a son or something who could come over and help put the treadmill together. She’d seemed disappointed, but she had given him a bag of frozen chocolate chip cookies on his way out. A nice old lady. Made him think of what his own mother might be like in ten years. Sweet and sincere and somewhat naive. Then thinking that that time was really not that far away. The next ten years were going to cruise by and no amount of self-induced abuse could slow it down. Hoping, praying that she was doing whatever she’d researched about avoiding the same fate as her mother; he didn’t want to watch her mind deteriorate like that. Then thinking, maybe that was why she wanted them to have kids so badly — she wanted to have a grandchild before her memory began to fade, anticipating the same fate for herself as that her own mother. He hadn’t told her about the miscarriage. They hadn’t told anyone, because nobody knew she was pregnant.

            He pictured his car out there in the woods again. Luckily, it hadn’t snowed since that first storm back around Halloween but it was still going to be a pain in the ass. Hopefully that dumbass still has his chains, he thought, glancing at his phone to see if she’d texted anything else. She had not. She must have gotten up when I left and saw Travis’ truck, only thing that makes sense. Don’t matter she’s gonna find out eventually and then he stopped thinking about that when he saw someone up ahead walking on the side of the road.

            It was unusual seeing anyone walking on the side of a road out there. He let his foot off the gas. The person was dressed in dark clothes, hood up. Some weirdo goth kid, he assumed. His phone was vibrating again. Leave me the fuck alone, he hissed. He leaned forward, enough to glance at it and see who it was, as though there was any question. He didn’t text with anyone else. He couldn’t read the message, all he could see was that it was Tonya. When he looked up, the goth walker was only about fifty feet ahead and suddenly leapt sideways into the road.

            One thing he’d learned, driving behind the wheel of a vehicle which could easily kill other people, was never to overreact. In certain situations, it was better not to react at all. Instead of killing one person, you might kill several, including yourself. In this case, he didn’t do nothing. He closed his eyes and pulled the wheel slightly to the left. But he knew he was going to hit this idiot and now he was only hoping not to hear anything.  Because he’d once heard a story from a female trucker who was driving down south somewhere and coming up on a bridge overhead, and a man hopped off the bridge and landed directly on the hood of her truck. And while the whole thing was disgusting and disturbing, and she kept asking herself why that person decided to pull her (not that he’d chosen her on purpose, but he had chosen someone and that someone happened to be her) into his terrible death scene, the thing that stuck with her the most even years later were the sounds on impact, the simultaneous grunts and thuds. “And what if I’d only stopped for a shower back at the Pilot an hour ago?” She’d said. “What if I’d been twenty minutes behind where I was?” Hours later, Corey would wonder how different things might be if he’d stuck around the house for an hour to assemble that fucking treadmill.

            It was a girl’s face. He’d ascertained that much, as she turned her head to the left, in the sliver of a second before he pulled the wheel and veered into the other lane, certain that he’d at least clipped the suicidal bitch. He hit the brakes and skidded to a stop with his left front tire edging the ditch on the wrong side of the road. He checked both mirrors — no sign of her behind him. He hadn’t felt or heard a hit, and while he was selfishly glad that nothing like that would remain engraved in his head, it didn’t mean anything. He’d probably hit her. He cut the wheel hard to the right and pulled forward, back onto the right side of the road. He grabbed his phone to call the police. Something told him no. Perhaps subconsciously he wasn’t yet ready to engage with police again. He dropped his phone in the cupholder. Then he punched on the flashers and kicked his door open.

            Halfway to the back of the truck, he crouched down and scanned underneath it. He continued on, thinking why, why would you jump in front of a truck? Why not down a bottle of pills instead? It’s a much cleaner way to go. He continued to the back of his truck.

            He stopped when he saw her in the ditch. She rose slowly like a little monster, her arms and legs caked with mud and dead leaves. Her hood was down and her dirty blonde hair all over the place. He moved closer. He said: “Are you okay?”

            At first she said nothing. She just stood there, holding her muddy hands out as if for him to see. But clearly she was okay, at least physically. Mentally, another story. “Yeah,” she said. “Sorry about that.” Like she’d just grabbed his hash browns or something.

            “Well, what the hell was that?” Not that he expected a decent, reasoned response. He was angry, now that he knew she was okay.

            “I don’t know,” she said, wiping her hands on her pants. “I’m sorry. Please don’t call the cops.”

            “Are you fucking serious?” Studying her face, which was pretty underneath the gaunt, sad expression.

            “Would you mind giving me a ride?”

            “Are you fucking high?”

            “No,” she said, climbing out of the ditch.

            “No,” he said. “Definitely not. First of all, I’m not supposed to have anyone in the truck with me.” But he didn’t get into the second or third reasons, he just stopped talking, and kept looking at her. What he should do, he knew, was call the police. Have them make a report. Then leave them to deal with her. Then he felt bad. Obviously she’s harmless, he assumed. 

            “Fine,” she said. She turned and started walking. He wanted to grab her and spin her around, and explain how she’d almost just killed both of them. Make her understand. He felt like he was dealing with Tonya, when she was in one of her irrational moods. Making him feel guilty about something he knew he shouldn’t…and then just walking away like that was the end of it. Nope, he thought. Because who the fuck knows? Yeah, he could get back in the truck and bounce, and then the next day be reading about her jumping out in front of somebody else. Nope. “Where are you going?” He yelled.

            Turning her head enough so he’d hear her, she said: “Does it matter?”

            Talking, even walking, just like Tonya.

            “Where you gonna go?” He glanced around, to make sure nobody was watching this ridiculous scene.

            She stopped, turned to him. He thought she was crying. She stumbled a few steps toward him, then a step back. Putting on a hell of a show. Mumbling to herself now, tears or spittle building on her big upper lip. Then he decided to take her. Enough of the show. He looked up and down the road. Still nobody coming. He went over and grabbed her by the waist and pushed her to the passenger side door and yanked it open. “Up!” He yelled.

            She was acting like a dead person, making him make all her moves. He grabbed her leg and placed her foot on the step, then shoved her butt up into the seat. She made no noise, she put up no fight. But she wasn’t helping, either. He tossed her other leg in and threw the door shut and rounded the front of his truck and got in.

            “What’s your name?” He asked. The first words spoken since he’d poked the gas pedal five minutes prior. She pretended not to hear him. Gazing out her window at the burnt blueberry fields and rolling hills beyond. His gaze went to her midsection, up a little, then back to the road.

            “I said, what’s your name?”

            “Sadie.”

            “Is that really your name?

            “No.”

            “Where you from?”

            “Nowhere.”

            “What’s wrong with you?”

            “Nothing.”

            “So that’s why you were trying to kill yourself? And you do realize you could’ve killed us both, right?”

            She looked at him. “Obviously, I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

            “Oh, okay. That’s good. That makes me feel better. And you do realize how selfish you’re being, right?”

            “What do you mean?” Still looking at him.

            “Suicide. Don’t you think it’s a little selfish? You don’t have to deal with shit anymore and you leave your family and your friends and whoever else to sit there grieve and think about it and probably feel bad in one way or another for the rest of their lives.”

            “I don’t think you get it,” she said.

            “Get what?”

            “Do you have anything to eat in here?” Her eyes rummaging through the messy space between the seats.

            “I got my lunch cooler, which contains my lunch.”

            “Fine.”

            “There’s a store right up here.”

            “No,” she said. “Don’t stop.”

            “I think there’s a bag of chips in there.”

            “What kind?”

            “Does it matter?” Knowing he was sounding mean, but he didn’t care. “Beggars can’t be choosers. So how far you think I’m taking you?”

            “I don’t care,” she said.

            He looked over at her and said: “Then what’s your story? And why are you trying to hurt yourself?”

            “Does it matter?” Mocking him.

            Corey almost cracked a smile. His phone vibrated in the cupholder. He wondered what Tonya would think if she knew what he was doing right then. He shouldn’t have picked her up. Shit, it’s not like she’d persisted. He’d forced the issue. What the fuck was he thinking? And knowing he was lucky to have Tonya, any other girl would’ve left him by now, all the dumb things he’d done. Tonya put up with his shit. That’s how he thought about it. When he thought about why he liked her, the way people do when they’re riding high on the relationship wave, the first thing he thought about was that she put up with his shit. Like that was a respectable character trait.

            “Do you mind if I change?”

            “You might want to wait until we go by the store. It’s right up here.”

            The store was in view now, up on the right. He liked this store because they sold plastic wrapped chunks of pepperoni and cheese at the counter. He stopped there often. Peripherally, he noticed Sadie wiggle down lower in her seat. As they flew by the store, he felt her looking at him, but she said nothing. “What?” He said.

            “Nothing,” she said. They had passed the store. She looked back out her window. Then she took her backpack and plopped it on her lap. Corey glanced over at her she was setting her clothes on the dashboard. He almost said something. His eyes meandered back to the road. But  he could see her digging deep into the backpack, then her hand came up and went directly to her mouth. He said: “What was that?”

            “I have a headache.”

            “Oh.”

            “You sure your girlfriend won’t mind?”

            “What?”

            “Me changing.” Setting the bag down at her feet.

            He made a face. He didn’t look at her and he didn’t say anything. First, she took off her boots. She dug her back hard into the seat and pushed her waist up and wiggled her pants down. She pulled her sweatshirt off and then a t-shirt, rolled everything up and stuffed her bag. She didn’t change her socks. He almost said something.

            “You can look,” she said.

            He shook his head. What the fuck was he doing? Imagine if a cop rolled by and saw her without a shirt on? And why had she seemed to slouch like that when they went by the store? Obviously she didn’t want to be seen by someone. He should’ve said no to her changing. Better yet, he shouldn’t have picked her up in the first place. He was asking for trouble then, and now trouble was sitting there looking at him, almost naked with nasty socks dangling beneath her pale white legs, and naturally his mind turned dirty, if only for a few seconds. But that thought was easy to squeeze — she probably has something, he told himself, knowing it was a dumb thing to assume, just because she was literally dirty and a little mysterious and so yeah, that meant she’d fuck anything. “Put your fucking clothes on,” he said. But without sounding harsh, without sounding mean.

            “I am,” she said. She pulled on a pair of jeans, then a long sleeve shirt. She dug a gray baseball hat out of her backpack, and put that on. She pulled it down snug around her brow, and, watching her, he noticed her bob and dart her head around, as though she was seeking a mirror. He almost told her there was no visor on her side, but he didn’t. She’d figured it out. He didn’t want to talk anymore at all — he wanted to pull over and tell her to get out. His phone made another noise. He didn’t look at it.

            “You seem like the girlfriend type,” Sadie said.

            He didn’t want to acknowledge her. In his head, he was shaking his head. He said: “What does that mean?”

            “It means I bet you always had a girlfriend.”

            He wasn’t sure whether or not this was a compliment. He leaned towards the idea that she was calling him needy. But he decided to deflect, as she had shown she could do quite well. “I’m gonna take a guess at something here. Because I know you’re full of shit.” He paused, to let her respond.

            “Okay.”

            “I’m assuming you’re in trouble for something, and that’s why you’re trying to bolt for Canada. You do realize you need a fucking passport to cross the border now, right? Do you even have a driver’s license? I mean, you can’t just stroll across the border anymore.”

            “What do you and your girlfriend do for fun?” She asked, looking away.

            He thought about the question. They went around a long curve and crossed a town line. He said: “We play cribbage.” And he expected a sarcastic, maybe snarky, response to this. He looked at her. Her head was down and propped against the window; the baseball hat turned a little sideways the way a skater would wear it.

            “Hey,” Corey said. She’d probably fallen asleep. Who knows how long since she’d last slept. “Yo, Sadie,” he said. “Or whatever your name is. Yo, wake up.”

            No, he realized. She ain’t asleep. He leaned and grabbed her by the arm. He pulled her away from the window. Her body flopped towards him. He held her up, and with his other hand gripping noon on the steering wheel, he looked at her pale and doomed downlooking face. Blood dripped down on her clean jeans. Jesus. He pushed her back against the door.

            He drove with both bare trembling hands on the wheel, thinking barely thinkable thoughts. He took her by the arm and pulled her down gently to the floor. The baseball hat fell on the seat where she’d sat. Her head rested on one of her muddy boots. He turned down a road he wasn’t supposed to go down. At the end of the road there was a farmhouse on the ocean which currently served as a wedding venue in the summer but a hundred years ago served as an inn for island-goers waiting for the ferry. Corey didn’t go that far. He turned the truck onto a dirt fire road before that. The fire road led to a huge house he’d delivered a tacky statue to last fall. He remembered the rich prick saying he only summered at the house. But Corey didn’t go that far. He stopped the truck on a straight stretch where all he could see was trees and cut the engine. He couldn’t look at her. He thought about Tonya for a second and how she wouldn’t have approved of any of his moves since Sunday around noon. He thought about how the buddy he was leaning on to help him later that night was normally knee deep into a twelve pack by suppertime. Then he got out of the truck and went around to the other side.

            He threw her over his shoulder. He took her backpack and slung that over his other shoulder and he stomped into the woods, thinking: Because when and if they ever find her, they’ll assume she was all by herself and she overdosed on something and wandered out here, all fucked up. And then he was done thinking, and he kept on for a while, focusing on his footsteps. He stopped and looked back at the truck, which he could barely see even through the leafless trees. He decided to go a little further.

            “Stop,” a low-pitched, smoky voice said.

            Corey stopped. He looked up. The crossbow was pointed down at him. The bearded man sitting in the tree stand took off his bright orange hat, and dropped it to the ground. “What do you think you’re doing there, bud?”


Ryan S. Lowell is a fiction writer. His work has appeared in the Worker’s Write Journal and Underwood Press: Black Works. He lives in South Portland, Maine.

“Little Plastic Psychosis: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly” by Silver Webb


“Pearls used to be treasure. Now, they’re all plastic. What good are they to me?” Blondie stretched back inside her underwater castle, let her tail fin luxuriate in turquoise currents, her thick tail undulating, scales of holographic rainbows, hips like weapons of destruction. And her breasts. Well, like two pearls, real ones, the bright peaks of which were hidden by her gold hair.

“You can’t even lust after treasure like a normal…mermaid?” Toucan Sam said, wearing Kahuna shorts, scuba fins, and a bulbous brass diving helmet over his head.

“No need for a pause when you say ‘mermaid,’ Toucan.”

“Well, you don’t look like any mermaid I ever seen. It’s down here somewhere, damn it. A chest of gold. Real gold. Real pearls. Start looking, Blondie. Like I said, we’ll split the treasure.”

“Why should I trust you? Besides, you can’t move.”

“Keep floating on your back, Blondie, they’ll think you have bloat. Then I take the gold for myself.” His eyes glowered through the round window in his diving helmet. He was probably crazy. She’d read that happened, stuck in the tank for too long, like being sentenced to solitary at San Quentin. It made you nuts. But Toucan was harmless enough. Sunk into the gravel, he was just a plastic decoration to hide the air vent.

“How can I do anything with that dreadful music playing?” Blondie sighed as the water vibrated with the soundwaves of twangs and whistles, some spaghetti western playing on the television in the living room beyond the tank.

“Look who’s here,” Toucan said.

Where the water hit the glass, Blondie saw faces. The older man. And then the doughy man-child, with those innocent, angelic eyes, running back and forth in that ridiculous red cowboy hat, holding up a plastic revolver, shouting, “Pew pew!” He smiled his sadistic smile and tapped the glass with the tip of that revolver.

“Don’t count him out.” Toucan laughed. “He’s a fast shot.”

“It’s a plastic gun, Toucan.”

“So? You live in a plastic castle.”

“I’m not scared of him.”

“Never turn your back on a ten-year-old. How do you think I lost my arm?”

“The day I take advice from a one-armed deep-sea diver, is the day I hang up my fins.” Blondie swished in a slow circle around Toucan, let her rounded cheeks and long tail, the arch of her jewel-strung lower back, the river of hair, and her soulful, deep lapis eyes take him in entirely.

“What is this?” he asked, suspicious.

“I’m the only treasure in this tank. Too bad your feet are stuck.”

Bubbles drifted up in a sudden burst from his shorts.

“That must be embarrassing when that happens.” Blondie meandered to the glass and continued her seduction for a wider audience. She ducked and bobbed, winked and flirted. The man and his son pointed, excited now. Of course they were. A one-inch tall sex dream was living in their freshwater gulag.

The man-child gestured with both hands. Blondie realized she was tilting and straightened herself, turned with a dismissive flick of her tail and meandered behind the plastic algae plants. But then the kid made a dirty move. A dirty, sneaky little move. Fish flakes. On the surface of the water, a tsunami of them. That rotting bloom of stench drifting down. Her nostrils quivered.

“It’s sick, if you ask me,” Toucan said. “Feeding fish to other…mermaids.”

Blondie gulped greedily.

“Hey, Blondie!” Toucan shouted. “Bring me some, would you? I’m starving! They never feed me.”

“That’s ‘cause you’re strictly decorative. Get your own.” Blondie’s lips suctioned the surface, searching out every last drop, even when her mer guts started to ache. At the last second, she saw a shadow on the water as the tip of the plastic gun broke the surface. She ducked down, tried to dive, and barely outswam the pistol. Toucan was right, the kid was fast.

“You’re tilting to the side,” Toucan crowed. “Too greedy. Shouldn’t have stuffed yourself, Blondie.”

“Screw you,” Blondie muttered, her stomach bulging.

“I wish you would.”

“You’re too ugly.” Blondie decided not to tell him about the chest of treasure, just out of his peripheral vision, sitting amidst the plastic plants. “I’m too good for you. And you’re molded into that suit anyway.”

“I haven’t peed in two years,” Toucan sighed. “Oh, to get back to the open seas.”

“The only way you get there is the big flush.” Blondie turned on her back, stretched out, her slender fingers drifting through water.

“You better not float,” Toucan warned. “They’ll think you have fin rot.”

“Fin rot is for fishes,” Blondie said.

“Blondie, have you looked in the mirror lately?” Toucan let off another stream of bubbles. “There’s no such thing as mermaids.”

Blondie dove, but something was wrong. She wasn’t descending. And as hard as she flipped her tail, up she went, stomach skyward. She saw in the reflection of glass, a lumpy goldish, belly up. Not a mermaid. A plain fish. Impossible. Some kind of a mirage, like those western gunslingers on T.V., lost in the desert, saw delusions on the horizon. But the reflection just stared back at her. Fish. No such thing as mermaids.

Then the kid with angelic eyes locked his gaze on her. Blondie struggle downward, in circles, latched a fin on her little plastic castle.

Angelic eyes stared at her fish eyes, and her fish eyes stared at Toucan Sam’s eyes, and Toucan Sam’s eyes stared at angelic eyes. A circle of deadly tension.  

The kid held up a stick with orange netting on the end. And smiled.

“Help me,” Blondie hissed at Toucan. “I know where the treasure is. I’ll show you.”  

“Toucan is no fool! The next fish might be more reasonable, might help me out. The next fish might not turn her nose up at pearls!”  “Toucan, you son of a—” Blondie’s last words died as the orange net swept down on her.


Silver Webb is the editrix of the Santa Barbara Literary Journal, which spotlights work from Santa Barbara and beyond. When she is not inviting eye strain at the computer, she drinks hurricanes, contemplates ill-advised tattoos, indulges in yarn art, and blasphemes the art of cooking. www.silverwebb.com

“Gilead” by Reid Mitchell


Ten days after Sergeant Jeremiah Waters got away from the reb prison camp, sick in the head from summer heat and prolonged hunger, he met Gilead.  He’d come out of the forest and into a clearing.  Later he’d remember black-eye susans and clover and the sound of a dog yapping nearby.  He’d remember looking toward a brilliant sun in a white sky.  He closed his eyes and saw bright yellow where he’d been accustomed to see blackness.  But he never remembered tumbling down into the patch of browned grass nor whatever rock or tree root split his forehead.

“You can’t rest, friend, you got to move.”

Waters had never seen a man so black.  He’d learned that most of the so-called negroes down south were brown or even lighter–their very skin tone proof of the lust of the southern aristocracy.  This huge man’s skin reminded him of blue-black ink with which he wrote while in the academy.  Gilead prided himself on pure African blood.  In Mrs. Stowe’s novel, the most intelligent negroes were those with an admixture of white and black blood and Waters had thought that such must necessarily be the case.  But Gilead proved an adept and able man, one of great strength and cunning.

Gilead said, “I see you are on the run, young master.”

“I think I’m coming down sick.”

Gilead put his palm on Water’s forehead.  This was the first time ever Water’s skin touched black skin.  He could tell no difference in the way it felt and the skin of his father or of the soldier Wilkins or the reb to whom he’d given his watch.

“We better get you somewhere you can rest,” Gilead said and raised Waters to his feet.  “Any other with you?”

Waters said, “I came by myself.”

Waters thought they walked for hours.  Never looking back, the black man stayed just three steps ahead.  With the woods in shadow, it was hard to measure the passing of the day.  After a while, Waters began to hope that the man would stop and let him rest, perhaps offer food.  His leg muscles–stringy like a horse’s bridle–were no longer strong as they had been before his prison days.  He needed to stop.  But Gilead continued, his broad back rising and falling with every confident step.  Waters thought to reach out and touch the back, even lean up against it momentarily, to try to draw in some of its vigor, but he could not bring himself to do it. 

They emerged into a ragged clearing.  There was a small log house, a tumbledown shed, a corral with one horse and a dead mule, an acre of cotton and a patch of corn.  Water wondered what was a slave doing living here all alone?  But he could only conclude that this must be the man’s home.  He hurried to close the three steps between myself and the man.

“What’s your hurry?”  Gilead sounded amused.

Waters spoke with difficulty.  “Is it safe?”

“Safe enough.  If we’re careful.  Slow down.”  Gilead brought his arm around Water’s shoulders.  Waters finally permitted himself to slump against the black man.  “Finally, I can rest,’ he said  as the man half-carried him.  It seemed he barely needed to touch the ground with his old broken brogans–Gilead almost lifted him above the earth.

Gilead opened the low door to the shed and stooped to usher Waters in.  The soldier looked meaningfully back at the house, but Gilead shut the door just enough to block the view.

“No sir.  I wish I could keep you in there but it wouldn’t do.  News travels in this neighborhood.”

“It’s all right.”  Waters recognized some wisdom in Gilead’s words.  He regretted how dark it would be in the shed and how hot–it was no more than a windowless building with a packed earth floor.  But to rest in safety, away from that camp, out of the wilderness… This was more comfortable than anything he had hoped to see again.

Gilead acted both apologetic and satisfied.  “Have to be,” he said.  While Waters rested on the packed earth, he made a lying-place out of a blanket, some straw, and a broke-down saddle.

The sergeant said, “Water?”

“Thirsty?”  Gilead smiled.

“To wash.”  Then, correcting himself, “Both.”

“Wait here.”

Waters had no real choice.  Gilead left–shut the door and shut him in–but came back quickly with a bowl of water and a clean rag.  Gratefully, the soldier scoured himself of prison grime.  But the bath irked his pride a little, because Gilead stood watching.  His eyes made Waters feel oddly scrutinized.

“You’re sick,” Gilead said.  “You better eat and sleep.”

“Can you get me to our lines?  Where is our army?”

“Eat and sleep now.”  Obedient, Waters sat down to wait for the food, but fell asleep instantly. 

Doing his business in the camp sinks one day, Waters had spotted a small piece of bone amidst the excrement.  Some poor soul must have swallowed it whole and passed it through his guts undigested.  Waters reached into the mess, plucked the bone from it, and went a few steps upstream, to wash the bone more times than Pilate washed his hands.  As he went back to the barracks, he kept this small knob concealed in his fist, afraid that another prisoner might somehow guess he had such a delicacy.  Only after lights out, when the darkness made him feel safe, did he try to suck whatever dry nourishment might be left in this shard of a bone from an animal he could only hope had been fit to eat. 

When Waters escaped, he had fetched this piece of bone along.  Each morning, after sleeping out in the woods, he had to decide anew whether to gnaw it down to bone-meal, for the nourishment, or save the dry bone for the juice.  There was a small indentation along one side, which his tongue could caress and, as it could trap salvia, sometimes he fancied there was a particle of real meat and gristle clinging to the bone.

Food had been his greatest problem.  He owned nothing with which to hunt, nothing with which to fish.  Flat, pale mushrooms grew at the base of trees, but, ignorant of southern botany, Waters didn’t trust himself to tell the wholesome from the poisonous.  He harvested green pecans, filled his pockets with them, and ate a few every day.  A couple of nights, when he came nearer human habitation, he found stands of corn and he stole roasting ears that he could not cook but at whose hard kernels he could nibble.  Some days, like Nebuchadnezzar–or a sick dog–he fed on grass.  This was no worse than the prison camp and it was in the camp, he believed, not during his arboreal sojourn that he grew weak and sick.

When Gilead shook Waters awake, he found himself sprawled across the blanket, his nose in the saddle: the smell of leather and sweat and horseflesh.  He sat up too quick and, head throbbing, had to lie back down. 

“That’s all right, young master,”  Gilead said, “I’ll just leave it here.”

“Don’t close the door.”

Gilead served Waters fatty bacon and cornpone and a cup of make-do coffee–roasted acorns maybe or parched corn.  To Waters, it tasted like a Sunday dinner.  Gilead stood over him while he ate.

Gilead said, “You’ll be as healthy as a horse in just a few days.

Waters thanked him.  Gilead walked out, pulling the door closed behind him.  But he must have had an afterthought, for presently the door opened again.  “Name’s Gilead.”

“Sergeant Jeremiah Waters.”

“Yes sir.  Sergeant.”

Before Sergeant Waters had arrived at that flea-bitten collection of shanties the rebs called a prison, his one thought was how to escape it.  All the long train ride from Virginia south, several days of sitting on shuntings or moving so slowly that the boxcar barely rocked, he sized up his companions, wondering whom he could rely on, whom he could take with him.  He never doubted that he would escape.

The men on the train disappointed him. 

            Some looked sturdy, some counted themselves brave, some had long service and scars to recommend them–but not a man really understood the true nature of the war he fought.  Waters knew that slavery and the slavocracy have long poisoned the nation, but these men couldn’t see it.  Waters could not trust those men who said that this was a white man’s war and even less those who joked about “Sambo’s right to be killed.” He said to himself, give me a plain soldier who understands what he fights for.

All of them had heard about darkies helping Union soldiers find their way back north after they’d made an escape.  Hiding them, showing them back roads and secret ways, bringing food out to where escapees waited until it was safe to go on, nursing them back to health.  But these soldiers blamed the negro for the war and cursed Lincoln because he had shut down prisoner exchange for “nigger rights.”

“It’s not nigger rights,” Waters said.  “He’s standing up for the right of every man who wears Union blue.”

Wilkins, a man from Waters’s company, with a beard like a goat’s and a leg as plump as a hog’s, said, “You reckon the niggers is worth it?”

Waters said, “As much as the rest of us.”

He said, “That ain’t saying a hell of a lot.”

Wandering lost in the woods, Waters laughed at himself sometimes.  Back on the train, escape had meant organizing the men, leading a troop, perhaps a mad, gallant rush at the walls under fire.  He never thought it would be as simple as bribing a guard with a watch he hadn’t even paid for.  And the saddest part of the whole funny business is that the old man approached him before he even thought of it.  That had been the joyous beginning of a painful, laborious journey that for the time being had ended at Gilead’s.  Waters didn’t know if he should head north toward Grant’s army, or west toward the mountains, or east toward the Union navy.  Like a runaway slave, he guided himself by the north star, followed the drinking gourd, travelling by night, hiding in the day.  If he could recuperate, he knew he’d be home soon.

Wilkins had been chewing a plug of tobacco during that talk on the train south.  Rebs always had tobacco; they were always eager to swap it for something good.  The bulge in Wilkins’s cheek made him look an idiot.  That goat beard of his stunk of tobacco juice.  He said, “I didn’t join the army to fight for the niggers.  I joined for the Union and sixteen dollars a month.”

Waters said, “Like the President said, some niggers are willing to fight for you.”

Wilkins said, “They can have all the glory they choose.”

Three times a day, Gilead brought pretty much the same food, some combination of hog and corn.  Some meals the sergeant’s gut turned and he pushed the food aside, something that worried Gilead.  Except for meals, Waters rested.  Gilead took away his clothes to boil, as nothing else would clean them.  Out of a habit developed in the prison barracks, Waters saved out the bone and hid it, telling himself that he wanted to keep it as a memento of his hard times in the camp.  Actually he feared to let it out of his reach. 

Gilead gave him a suit of his clothes to wear, coarse nankeen shirt and trousers, far too big.  That didn’t matter much.  Even his own uniform would have been oversized for his shrunken body.  At every meal, Waters would promise Gilead, “I’ll be better soon.”

“Better,” Gilead said.

Evenings were best.  Waters was too sick to sit up long, so Gilead would open the door and carry him out on a pallet.  Then Waters could lie in the twilight, watching the light thicken.

Gilead told Waters that his master had been a improvident man, a slave himself to cards and whiskey and other unlawful pleasures.  He had hired Gilead out to a number of craftsmen, a blacksmith, a harness maker, a man who kept a stable and broke horses.  Allowed to retain a portion of his wages and borrowing the rest from the stable-owner, Gilead eventually bought his freedom.  Too much money in a lump had been his former master’s undoing; he drank himself to death in a year.  Gilead repaid the debt in five years time and had hidden himself away in the wilds, where he squatted on a piece of land he himself had cleared.

One morning in the shed singing woke Waters.  He was lying on my stomach and could see cracks of light between the earth and the wall.  Gilead had never sung before.

“Tramp tramp tramp the boys are marching

Cheer up comrades they will come.”

The shed door opened and Gilead entered.  Waters sat up–stiffly, head ringing, throat dry–but he sat up.  That was good.  That was hopeful.  Gilead handed out the same tin plate with the same food as always on it.  Waters bit off a piece of pone and chewed it; then, with the recovering invalid’s excitement, he realized he was actually hungry.  He smiled.

“Pie,” he said.  “Blueberry pie.  Or maybe some applesauce, like we get in the fall.”  Fall: the air chilled, the trees loaded with apples, the boys and girls courting as they went among the trees to pick them, the sound of the mill making cider.

“Blueberry pie,” Gilead spoke with derision.  He pointed to the cornbread and bacon. “That suits me.  It’s been suiting me all my life.”

Waters felt ashamed for even appearing to question his rough fare. 

“Now, later this year, maybe I could catch us a coon.  You like coon?  Bake it with sweet potatoes?  Maybe a possum?”

With all the politeness he could muster, Waters thanked him and refused.  He did not care to insult him but he didn’t think opossums and racoons would ka good eating.

“Then you better eat what you got.”

Gilead stood over and watched him eat the cornbread and bacon.  Then he reached behind the door and fetched out a burlap bag.

“You ain’t so sick now.  You can earn your keep.”

“What?”  

“Laying by time is over.”

“Gilead?”

“Get off that bed.”

Waters still could not understand.  He wondered if he were still sick with fever and all this a hallucination.

“Get off that bed.”

Gilead reached down and placed his forefinger and thumb underneath the soldier’s jaw.  The tips of his fingers found the spot where jaw joined skull; then he squeezed appraisingly.  When his grip was firm, he pulled lifted Waters from the pallet.  His head brushed the ceiling, his toes swept the floor.  Gilead set Waters on his feet and put the bag in his hands. 

He said, “You think I can afford to feed a layabout the rest of his life?” 

Pinching Waters’s shoulder, Gilead shoved him out of the shed into the sunlight.             It had been hot in the shed but the dark had provided the occasional illusion of cool.  This light seemed composed of pure heat.  The roof-line of the cabin, the bag in his hands, the dying grass he stood on all reflected heat into his eyes in waves of light.  Any way Waters turned, there were swells of heat, whitecaps, rising from the ground, coming down from the sky, the whole sky it seemed as it was diffuse to be said to come from the sun alone, coming from all objects within sight or touch, so that his own body tortured him, so that every part of his body that touched some other part of his body or just the fabric of his clothes was scorched by another.  Out of instinct Waters bent his head.  The heat rising and the sweat running out the line of his hair blinded him anyway.

“Welcome to Georgia,” Gilead said.  “Welcome to August.”

The field to which Gilead steered him was white and green like the ocean.  Gilead placed the strap of the bag on his shoulder, and Waters waded in, dragged the burlap behind.  He staggered up the line of plants, tearing half or a third or two-thirds of an occasional boll, missing far more bolls than he found.  Walking bent over hurt his back.  The plants tore his palms.  This was hard work.  Waters had read about what hard work it was in many an abolitionist tract but this day he grasped the authentic fact.

Gilead waited at the end of the row.  When Waters reached him, he took the bag and dumped the cotton into a bushel basket.  Then he handed the bag back and pointed.

“Pick it again.”

Waters wanted to protest, but it occurred to him that perhaps this was some kind of joke produced by Gilead’s odd humor.  So he worked his way down the row, picking a few of the bolls that had got pass him the first time.  He was even slower this time, with legs stiff and fingers bleeding.   Again Gilead met him at the end of the line.  This time he stared at Waters with contempt.

“Again,” he said.

Tossing the back to the ground, Waters said, “Damned if I will.”

Gilead shoved him and he lost his footing, falling into the cotton.  Gilead immediately pulled him up and back on his feet.  On his command, Waters went up the row, pretending to pick cotton, but actually just grabbing at anything, cotton bolls, leaves, empty air.  Once again, at the end of the row, Gilead took the bag and emptied in the basket.  He took the basket over to a piece of canvas and poured its contents out.  On his knees, he sifted the cotton, felt it, placed it into several piles meaningless to me.  That done, he summoned Waters.

“That’s trashy cotton.”

The phrase meant nothing to Waters.  Gilead pointed down.  There were rocks, sticks, and dirt in a heap in the middle of the canvas, all the trash the soldier had gathered up while picking the cotton.

“So?” Waters said.

“Don’t be saucy,” Gilead said.  “Take off your shirt.”

“You go to perdition.”

“Take off that shirt.”  Waters started running but in seconds Gilead had grabbed him by the scuff of his neck.  Damn exhaustion, damn infirmity.  Gilead ripped his shirt off and threw him on the ground, where he lay like an old newspaper.  Then, Gilead stood astride him and systematically whipped with a cowhide.

Just the touch of the sun on the naked back had been painful.  This cut the skin; this might break the spirit.  This was pain Waters had often heard about; stories about whippings had helped convert him to abolition.  As had been the case with picking cotton, he had failed to imagine this pain.  Salt from his body entered the stripes as they appeared.  He counted the lashes up to fourteen and then could count no more.

It was over.  Waters fainted and when consciousness returned, he was no longer outside.  He lay on his stomach on the floor of the shed, cotton lint covering him, stuck to his body with dried blood and dried sweat.  Flies and gnats swarmed in the air around him; they regarded him as a feast.  Waters rolled over but when his back touched the ground, he had to roll back.  His nose almost touching the earth, he saw a beetle making its way toward him.

Gilead was there too.  Waters could hear breathing above and beyond him; he heard the sounds of mirth as well.  But Gilead stooped down and began to wash his back.

“Yeah, boss,” Gilead said, “they used to treat me like that.”

“You can’t do this to me.”

“I saved your life.”

The water stung as if instead of ministering to the sergeant, Gilead whipped him again.  The drops that ran across his skin felt like fire-ants crawling.

“I might have started you on cotton too soon,” Gilead said, with a curious sympathy in his voice. He rolled Waters over and looked directly in his eyes. “We’ll start on shingling tomorrow.”

Waters said, “I am no man’s slave.”

“These are unusual times, unusual circumstances, boy.  Nobody can predict what he might come to.”

“I’m a white man, Sambo.”

“I wouldn’t run if I were you,” Gilead said.  “If I don’t track you down, the rebs are bound to.”  Nonetheless, from that night on he kept the door of the shed locked.  Whenever he let Waters out, he kept him carefully in sight.

Waters lay in the hot darkness and decided that the next day he would attack Gilead when the door opened, that he would stun him, maybe kill him, and escape.  He searched for an old friend hidden in the broken saddle that pillowed his head, the dry bone with its indentation and its knobby head.  Its taste and texture had remained familiar to his tongue.  As Waters waited for morning and the opening of the door, he sucked on the bone.  Saliva came to his mouth and helped soothe his dusty thirst.  By morning Waters was engrossed in a dream, debating the war with Wilkins as they drank coffee and ate blueberry pie.  When Gilead shook him awake, he had to think hard to remember where he was.


Reid Mitchell is a New Orleanian who spent the last decade teaching in China. In the twentieth century he was an historian of the American Civil War.

“The Way They Were” by Paulette Callen


Old barns and empty sheds
hold most of what
you need to know
of your uncles.
In the doorframe rows
of knife-nicks mark
the growth of
Jesse, Dale, and Jim.

Tacked to a low beam
like tenacious last leaves
of autumn—sepia
photos of little boys
grinning in home-cut hair
and hand-me-down clothes.

Under the stained and rutted
workbench, safe
in a tin box for half
a century—leavings:
a pack of yellowed cigarette papers
two steelies
a fishhook and home-made fly
a skeleton key
three limp, smudged ticket stubs to a movie show
a shell casing
a rusted pocketknife
a guitar pick and a chipped arrowhead
that look oddly related.


Paulette Callen has returned to her home state of South Dakota in retirement, after 30+ years in New York City. Varying degrees of culture shock in both directions — but always, the place she returned to has been made home by a dog.

“A Collection of Obituaries for the Victims of Fallen Scaffolding” by Laura Miller


Caroline McPherson

Remembered (and lauded) for her famous end-of-autumn parties (that always managed to balance the fine line between the year’s two centripetal holidays, never too thankful in spirit or too heavy in joy), Caroline McPherson had a heart of silk. 

The week before last, Caroline passed away in a collapse of building scaffolding in the center of Manhattan. The cause of said tumble has yet to be determined, but her sister Pauline McPherson-McPhee believes it was Caroline’s crushing amount of love for life that tested the building’s support system, and ultimately won.

Caroline was stubborn, but only stubborn in the name of love. She nearly married three times—once to a small business lawyer, once to a juice salesman, and once to a vegetable farmer—but all three times she found herself kicking at the breaks because something else was waiting for her: New York City. 

The lawyer flew to New York City to donate his time to the excavation team working in the building’s rubble.

The juice salesman was last seen drinking red juice outside the McPherson home, chanting indecipherable prayers as he held up bottles of said juice. 

The vegetable farmer has created a donation box for Caroline’s mother, Ms. June McPherson, requesting non-vegetable food products so he can cook vegetable and non-vegetable meals for the McPherson family, which solely consists of June and Caroline’s dog Mupp, both of whom have stopped eating.


Sandra S. Saunders

A baker, sewer, sister, and friend, Sandra S. Saunders was the daughter of a doctor and sister of a now-pet-shop-owner, then-aspiring-cellist. Sandie, as her friends and family lovingly called her, was honored by her sister via a request to print the ‘i’ in her nickname with a star replacing the dot. Unfortunately, our publicationcannot stylize the typeface in that way, but the request has been duly noted and respectfully withheld.

As a valued member of the textile community, Sandie had a large group of friends in a knitting group, many of whom “kept her going,” according to Whitney Clark, president of Nightly Knitters Group, Inc., LLC. One short week before the scaffolding collapse that took her life, Sandie had been brokenhearted by a man she told her relatives (and friends in NKG, Inc., LLC.) she would marry in the nearest future.

According to Suzie Klein, the woman who shared an office with her who was out on a sick day the day of the collapse, said, “He was the best thing that happened to her in the last two and a half years; she floated on happiness in every moment of every day because of that man. Then he walked away. I wonder what he’s thinking now that she’s gone.”

When reached for comment, the man in question, Harvey St. Quinn, a lawyer of prestige for the City of New York, said, “She’s dead?” After, he slid down the backside of his mahogany office door, rolled up his silk tie and stuffed it into his mouth to muffle a scream, and wept silently for twenty-five minutes, eventually coming-to completely horizontal on the rouge carpet in his office in a puddle of self-inflicted sorrow, because, as Sandie’s officemate Suzie noted, “If he hadn’t left her like he did, I don’t think you’d be here asking me questions about her death. They would’ve been on their honeymoon that day.” Mr. St. Quinn emerged from his office, stark-faced and subtly shaking, and in the midst of profuse apologies (up to and including: “What have I done, why did I leave her, how did I make this mistake, when will I forgive myself [can I forgive myself], who am I?”), Mr. St. Quinn knelt to the floor and whispered her name over, and over, and over.

Editor’s note: Mr. St. Quinn started a GoFundMe to raise funds for NKG, Inc., LLC., as they jointly knit a quilt in Sandie’s honor; expenses include quilting supplies and shipping/postage to send the quilt across the continental U.S. to be knit by any member interested in participating.


Thomas “Moss” Tomlin

Moss was fascinated with life’s habit of turning on a dime. How irrelevance spun—in one full circle—to permanence. As a kid, Moss asked his parents from where the nickname “Moss” originated, especially when starting with “Thomas” as its base, to which they replied, in jest, “Like garden moss, you’re always there, whether we like it or not.” Moss’s wife, Petunia Dash-Tomlin, joked that his parents did him a favor by prescribing Moss as his nickname versus schoolyard bullies developing a nickname on his behalf. 

Moss spent a majority of his time daydreaming about moving to the countryside. He thought a lot about quiet, and how quiet starts, and where quiet begins and where quiet ends. Mrs. Dash-Tomlin posits that Moss was quiet up until the moment he died, rendered silent not by fear but by finally hearing the answers to his pile of quiet questions.

Mrs. Dash-Tomlin would like to note a few things about Moss: she knew she loved him the moment she heard his voice, and the casual greatness in its natural vibrato. In the beginning of their marriage, she dreaded the ends of nights like a crow fears the end of autumn, and at the end of their marriage, she dreaded the thought of his death like a woman dreading the thought of her husband’s death. Mrs. Dash-Tomlin would like to call specific attention to Moss’s delicate eyes and the equally delicate manner in which he saw everything and everyone. Winter was his favorite season, but she loved him with the hottest day of July. She wasn’t much of a writer, but she tried to write poems for him and when he slept, she whispered them to the silence of their room (“With you for miles / I am here” was her favorite line). Mrs. Dash-Tomlin, who would like to be referred to as Pettie from here on out, would like to note that Moss was a slice of peach pie and even on his worst days was a three-day-old slice of peach pie. If he had had the opportunity to live on a farm, he would’ve loved every moment: quiet expanding outward like a halo across tuba-brass fields, quiet rising on the back of the sun, quiet in what he heard when Pettie read poems to him in his sleep. 

Pettie would like to note that Moss had an insatiable need to not be disappointed in anything—not when a season failed its quest to ripen its crop so when he bought it from the store it would be ready within two and a half days, not when a restaurant was too full to be seated, not when they couldn’t have children, and certainly not when he died. But it is she who is disappointed now, when her husband’s obituary suddenly became about her—disappointment is never intended, her mother taught her. Disappointment is always welcome but never invited, she amended for herself. Disappointment has a room in your head, but you mustn’t furnish it, Moss revised.


Jayda Linnea

One of Jayda Linnea’s favorite things about the universe was the banana peel’s ability to hold a secret. Her father wrote messages on the bruised crescent for her to find during lunchtime at school. Love U. C U LTR. U R MY MOON. As an adult, she published a book of poems titled You Are My Moon (In/And Other Words To Live Through The Dark).

Why Jayda loved the city her family will never know. Why she loved spaceships, roasted summer corn, sleep (in excess), small chat with bank tellers, poinsettias, and all sixty-four colors of crayons—these things they might begin to understand. 

Jayda’s relationship with her partner was taut; what started as the Christmas-bowed puppy of everyone’s under-the-tree dreams became the downtrodden family dog lying in wait by the porch door to charge at the fence and set itself free when the owner (Jayda) looked away. But let their story be for another time.

Every day, Jayda kept a journal of words in her pocket or in her purse or under her sleeve or in the elastic band of her brassiere, in which she jotted down a word or two. The journal will be displayed at her wake. Donations in memory of Jayda can be made to Merriam-Webster’s ever-going fund to assist in teaching the youth how words are an ocean if you learn how to swim.


Their Story, at Another Time

The first line in Jayda’s obituary should’ve included how she was a poet who saw a missed train as a secondhand arrival for someone else, and died when a building’s scaffolding tumbled down, after watching a man tempt death, albeit unsuccessfully.

But—before the obituary:

A man sat on the ledge of the NQRW platform in Times Square on the morning of Jayda Linnea’s last day.

The morning felt birds-eye from the get-go, Jayda experiencing an already-haggard Manhattan morning neither here nor there but where a rogue crepuscular pigeon rests before dawn, observing the stoplights alternating at a pace slowed by morning, debating when to swoop in to snag a crunch of lemon agave muffin from an innocent passerby.

Everything felt just out of view while still remaining in view—an awful paradox, she realized, when the man knelt on the swiss cheese stripe running along the length of the platform.

Not many months before this, Jayda went to a poetry event sponsored by the MTA and the chairman of the board introduced the poets scheduled to read. After name-dropping for approximately four minutes, the chairman recited a poem.

“This may come as a shock to most of you,” he said, looking across the crowd with a knowing smile, “especially to my coworkers—and no, I’m not retiring just yet.”

A light buzz followed a sardonic set of poetry-snaps.

“I wrote a poem on the subway ride down here and I’d like to recite it.”

Jayda’s patience for impromptu poetry written and/or recited by people who did not appreciate poetry lived somewhere in the final swirl of water nearing a drain. She didn’t care to remember his poem. It sounded like sour lemonade, or being nauseous in elementary school, or more specifically, the helpless feeling of requiring dire assistance from a school nurse after drinking gone-bad lemonade when parents are an entire phone call away.

But on the morning of her last day, when the man tossed his feet over the ledge of the platform, promptly escalating the situation from kneeling-as-if-tying-shoelace to enacting-possible-death wish, Jayda remembered a line from the chairman’s poem:

A subway has an engine and in my heart I have my heart.

A heart doesn’t have a heart, she thought when she heard the line read aloud. But this man might throw his heart in front of an engine.

Still birds-eye, she noticed the lack of movement from anyone else on the platform. She thought what she’d read about bystanders must be true, having never been in a situation in which she’d have to consider bystanding. Later, if she were to tell the man who loved her about what happened that morning—a man nearly jumped to his death in front of her, one of those horrid newspaper headlines come alive, a horror story blown into frame, a life lost while other losses lived—would she have remembered the detail about no one reacting?

A guy in a full tweed suit and hat emerged from an until-then invisible door along the wall. Jayda used one of the recherché MTA-provided public restrooms in a subway station a week earlier. The faucet in the tiny magician’s box knew nothing about stopping and everything about running dry.

Before she left Iowa for New York, her mother called her rough-hewn. Her father said she was an avenue with no streetlights: long and nimble and traveling somewhere without seeing an inch in front of herself. Years prior, in a college course called On Poetry & The Expanding Sense Of Self, a professor called her “Genius.” Once, a flight attendant said she had beautiful hair, rivers of hair.

After hesitantly plucking a music bud from his ear, a businessman nudged his Gucci loafers closer to the ledging man and gently shouted, “Hey.”

The man on the ledge glanced over his shoulder, scanned the area as if waiting for a courier to deliver an important package, grimaced, and shook his head. 

“It’s been too long a day, man,” he said. “Too long a night, too. Too much of everything.”

The man in Gucci stepped closer and extended a hand. “Hey man, come on, let’s move away from the edge.”

“It’s about time I go.”

The man hovered his body above the platform, pushing the palms of his hands into the STAND BACK FROM THE yellow line. She couldn’t imagine witnessing this man’s death on the tracks, but also couldn’t imagine moving her body at all. Not one nerve moved as the scene unfolded, tugging her in as a bystander in a plot rife with them.

Overcome by an angel (or ghost?) haunting the MTA, the man on the ledge suddenly launched himself to his feet.

“I won’t,” shouted the man.

The man in Gucci held his chest in place with the palms of his hands. Jayda counted to five in her head, twice. Everyone else stood without the hint of a quiver. The man walked off, disappeared around a grimy pillar, into a crowd that didn’t know this group’s brand of anxiety. 

The journalist who covered the incident on the NQRW platform (“Manhattan Man Attempts To Throw His Life In Front Of W Train”) was the same journalist to cover the initial report of the crumbling scaffolding. To his editor’s chagrin, the journalist described the sound of the shifting rubble as “a schoolyard at its busiest hour: hysterical shrieks from a jungle of metal.”

Despite the debacle on the platform, Jayda arrived at her office not a minute later than usual, some strange proof that not everything lasts as long as it feels.

These were the tasks Jayda accomplished before the building began to shake: switch from sneakers to stately loafers, pour office coffee over office mug of ice, peel quote-a-day calendar page (“One must not dread what they think they might lose.” —Max S. Bloom, writer & philosopher), email with four cohorts, research the word “receival” after suspected improper usage in an aforementioned cohort’s email, renew The New Yorker subscription, contemplate phone call to father, decide not call the man who loved her.

The man who loved her had a bizarre fascination with the magician’s trick of sawing a person in half.

“There’s so many variations of it,” he explained to her over dinner the night preceding this. “Modern audiences don’t appreciate the illusion like they did in the past, but the fact that there are so many ways to practice the trick is what makes it a true art form.”

“The end result is the same, no?” Jayda asked, two-thirds-hearted in this conversation.

A single ice cube roamed and clinked in her glass of white wine as she rotated her wrist, the cube an awry metronome to a dinner conversation with a man whose love for her created an absence in her. His excitement for this particular subject shifted his shoulders forward and leaned his body close to the plastic flame of the perpetually flickering candle on the table between them, casting his face with artificiality against his genuine excitement about the idea of a body getting fake-cut in half.

“Yeah, I suppose. But the way in which the magician propels to the end…that’s what’s so magical.”

The rosemary on her chicken dish was accidentally thyme.

“A body sliced in half is a body sliced in half. I think the only magic about it is how it turns something impossibly grim into a performance.”

Jayda was Googling the variety of ways a body can be fake-sawed when the building first shook. The surface of her iced coffee jittered around the lilypad ice shards.

The man who loved her was right—there are many ways to go about completing the illusion—and for a moment she thought about calling him as coworkers around her buzzed with jittered pleasantries about “everything being okay.” She didn’t know it and never would, but the call she didn’t make would have been the last time they’d speak, and also the last time she’d speak to anyone.

After the building’s first tremble, smack in the center of a city that was immune to symptoms similar to an earthquake, a few people in her office stood up from their desk chairs and read each other’s faces for acknowledgement. After the second, some employees outspread their arms like surfers finding balance on the slow hill of a wave, the office manager pressed her body against a wall, and an accountant fled. An intern lit a cigarette. Not thinking or looking at the screen, Jayda’s fingers typed the word “tremor” into a sales spreadsheet. There was a science behind earthquakes, some equation of magnitudes, maybe? She couldn’t recall the vocabulary words associated with earthquakes but all the words about dying rushed forward with white flags waving.

She seemed a veteran of a childhood cutting coupons with mom rather than credit card swipes without her. Before settling into an office job with a desk chair that never felt consistently comfortable even for an hour, Jayda took up a nannying job for a boy named Till (short for nothing) while studying in Columbia’s MFA program for poetry. The initial hiring flyer was posted in her upper Manhattan apartment building on the wall of slate-grey mailboxes by the boy’s mother who lived ten blocks north of Jayda. When Jayda asked who the woman knew to post the flyer in her building, politely named Square Park by impolite architects (their impoliteness defined by a single elevator shaft for a building that clearly demanded three, Formica everything, and a basement with both a washroom and a dryer room, the navigation between which proved inconvenient at its very best), the mother said, “No one; not directly, at least.”

Jayda knew herself directly. She knew her parents directly most of the time, their octagonal relationship rarely skewed with indirection over things, other than her moving to New York. The man who loved her knew her indirectly but liked to believe his relationship with her was the most direct relationship in his life (it likely was). In the early morning, when guessing between night or day was a gamble, she knew him most indirectly, after the shape of her sleep was disfigured by his insistent sleep talk and subconscious need to converse while dreaming out his dreams.

One afternoon, following a full, sleepless night of the man who loved her addressing the bedroom as though it were an auditorium of anxious graduates blindly glomming advice from a quarter-famous commencement speaker, Jayda found herself six minutes away from losing her nannying job. After sending Till off for his afternoon nap, a rush of sickness swept across her body. How she managed to get herself horizontal she’d never known, but her hands found the coppertone plush area rug and she laid herself across it, pinned the lip of the rug to the edge of her torso, and rolled herself across it two times. When Till emerged from his bedroom an hour later, he took in the sight of her on the floor for the length of a yawn and then exclaimed, “Hotdog!” like a foodman in the 1920s at a ballgame.

“There’s construction going on downstairs, right?” a sales rep asked the collective office, an open-floorplan most employees despised until this moment. The human body does not seek isolation in moments of terror.

Maybe the subway platform man wasn’t all wrong that morning. Passersby shook their heads and grimaced as the man on the ledge slunked away, sobered by the shock of not going through with his intended action. Perhaps he was only a little bit wrong to cause worry among everyone standing there, but also right in his act of taking charge of something of which he’d not had charge prior to that moment.

The third shake sent everyone running. The industrial-chic Edison bulbs swung like metronomes, trendy bean bag chairs sifted into level disks, papers shook free of folders, succulents and plants broke loose from pots; to Jayda and her colleagues, the moment was simultaneously superluminal and molasses.

The employees sprung into action, resulting in a flood of people on Park Avenue as every last person exited the building. By the time she reached the ground floor, Jayda’s body was a rollercoaster: not the body feeling the result of a drop, but the metal holding itself in place, shaking against the weight of the experience. About half a block away from the main clump of people waiting for further instructions, Jayda found a quiet spot under the shadow of the building’s scaffolding.

As the scaffolding fell, there was no rush. The block remained static as people caught their breath, but everything in Jayda’s head whizzed to conclusions: did I say goodbye to him nicely, did I unplug the coffeemaker, did I finish signing my will, do I have a will at all I can’t remember, did I have a great love, the kind of love people harvest in films and books and songs, did I have that at all, can I die without having that and what success did I have, and my father, was he happy or did he see the boogeyman under every woman’s bed and my mother, was she successful in something other than love because I know she didn’t have love especially when the boogeyman reported all my father’s undoings or were they wrongdoings, is it wrong to fall out of love with one person and use the falling from one love to propel you into a new love or is that human nature, is that mother nature, is that the only way to avoid breaking everything apart, to fall quietly from one thing to the next; if the answer is my dad was always in love but with another woman and my mom loved for most of her life but not all of it then maybe I’m a conflagration of the two, is that the right word, no, maybe I’m a conglomerate of all the love which would mean if I’m remembering my arithmetic properly I too can find love or success or make amends with the boogeyman of my heart, maybe he’ll let me confess maybe he’ll let me sleep maybe he’ll let me go. 

A weatherman reported the blueness of the sky after the collapse with a cyanometer (“The sky was at forty-four today: a shade of blue so bright it is usually…unseen”). The field reporter who filmed live (although she wished to the devil it was not live) reported on the scaffolding collapse with a shaky microphone from her shaking hands, and stuttered mightily through her spiel, dust gently billowing behind her beige-suited figure as though wind over an ocean seeking the nearest sail.

The journalist offered to write the obituaries of those lost to the scaffolding: three people in total. It was inescapable, really—he assumed his editor would ask and he felt most qualified anyway; he’d seen their faces, the final expressions, the moments before a pulse vacated the premises of a body.

Years before her death, just before Jayda boarded a plane to New York, her father harped on a warning about the electricity running sprints on subway tracks.

“Be careful, the track’ll zap you like it zaps the rats: quickly.”

“If I don’t end up coming back to Iowa,” Jayda began, before her father interrupted by hugging her so-long. “Blame it on the electricity.”

The electricity in her heart, it turns out, wasn’t strong enough to save the muscle that housed it. But it was reliable enough to keep her alive under rubble, aware enough to feel the sensation of being saved when a firefighter’s hand reached toward her, his ashed jacket blurred in the foreground of her blurring vision, and kind enough to queue her lungs to release a final breath that could only be categorized as relief.


The Man Who Loved Jayda

The man who loved Jayda was told of her death by a police officer, over the phone, which he thought was pretty fucking rude. 

“Do you know how much I love her?” he asked the police officer, out of shock or out of sadness he did not know.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Wyatt.”

The police officer called him ‘Mr. Wyatt’ like a five-year-old would refer to their parents’ close friend, using the first name as the name to follow the title. His name was Wyatt Mark, arguably a surname bait-and-switch.

Jayda’s body was flown to Decorah, Iowa, a town reminiscent of a movie set that lost funding halfway through: sturdy homes with well-thought floorplans lacked fresh paint, unique storefronts with names too idyllic to succeed (i.e. Edy & The Crazy Pickle Deli), people in a constant state of smiling. Decorah was a breath away from having its sheet blown off, uncovering the truth of what was there: a cloaked man pulling levers or Jayda’s father speaking rhymes or god himself, paring his fingernails over his state of un-undoing.

After Jayda’s funeral, where Wyatt was mostly ignored or avoided (like most things, he could not tell which), he walked through downtown Decorah, searching for a sign of Jayda anywhere. In his reflection? There she was. Hidden in the bricks’ grout of her elementary school? Yes. Inside the mailbox slot on the corner of her childhood homestreet and Main? He saw her algae eyes glowing within the rectangle, curling up at their corners when he gasped.

Yes—Wyatt was losing his wits. He overheard Jayda’s father say this to an aunt of Jayda’s at the repast.

“The man is crazy,” is precisely what her father said, stirring an inky coffee with a red plastic straw. “Just like the city that took her.”

Decorah was Kafkaesque. Jayda’s father was Kafka. Jayda would’ve liked this comparison, Wyatt thought, as he pulled his tie from his neck so it hung scarflike.

Wyatt wanted to marry Jayda, and he would’ve married her there in Iowa if that was something she wanted him to do. Had she lived, he wondered when she would’ve taken him to visit Iowa. In what way would she introduce him to her parents, family, and friends? Would there have been a hug from her mother and a firm handshake from her father, versus the overall indifference to his presence at the funeral, which was likely a result of their fear of facing their reality: he was the man who kept Jayda in the city that killed her.

Wyatt found a spare bench on a spare strip of Main Street and watched people pass. Not many people, he thought, maybe the fewest people he’d seen in one place since walking into a lecture hall five minutes early on the first day of a college semester. 

He stood, stretched, and walked on. He stopped in Arty’s Artisan Arctic—an ice cream shop with a menu caffeinated by midwestern business owner dreams—and took a seat at the bar. The shop was a riff on the classic ice cream shoppe from decades’ past, with a steel bar top running the length of the space, guarded by an at-and-ready line of steel cherry vinyl bar stools, and walled in with time-worn photography of ice cream, kids with soft serve mustaches, and candy spilling out of jars.

The flavor selection was gently disconcerting: the amount of nontraditional flavors was too high to maintain long term. Do M&Ms not shatter after being frozen for a week? Does pretzel salt oxide cream after 72 hours? Wyatt wanted to ask Arty these things, who leaned over the counter to straighten out four cups indicating the serving sizes available. Instead, Wyatt asked for an extra-large cup of Grasshopper’s Delight (mint-chocolate-chip) with two scoops of The Worm’s Playground topping (chocolate cookies) on top.

As Arty scooped hefty piles of green-nearing-teal ice cream, Wyatt pictured Jayda’s face in the reflection of the bar, her features strewn about by the mismatched catches of light on the brushed metal surface.

A few funeralgoers had asked Wyatt about Jayda’s death, as if he had facts or figures to provide context for the thing that would keep everyone up at night for years to come.

“How did the scaffolding fall?”

“Did anyone survive?”

“Was God there that morning?”

Wyatt didn’t have any answers for any of the questions, only additional questions. 

He thought a lot about the onlookers from surrounding buildings who felt the phantom shake of their corporate grey carpeted floors after hearing an excess of the usual city siren symphony; the people who saw the bricks blow out into dust as the scaffolding collapsed. Was it in slow-motion for those who watched? Did the scaffolding shift downward with the gusto of an elderly man shuffling to bingo, or maple escaping its tree, or a lover watching their just-then-ex turning their back and walking away—the kind of slowness defined in high school classrooms in June, or when the phone rings in the late, late night.

When Wyatt thought long and hard about something, he pressed his thumb and forefinger into his bottom lip until he felt the outline of his teeth. At the funeral, his gums started bleeding.

Wyatt slapped money on the counter and was off, his resolve fading. He wandered north for ten minutes and found himself amongst a slew of Victorian homes decorated with mums, pumpkins, and various multigourds. Bicycles tossed in the grass, stray baseballs scattered about lawns, a partially wound chartreuse hose snaking across a front walkway, a swing swaying with nothing at all. Wind blew across a yard and shook blond leaves into his path on the sidewalk. The galloping in his chest settled. Maybe she didn’t feel anything when the scaffolding fell. Maybe she was writing a poem in her head, or thinking of a poem, or imagining her life as poetry, something free verse and loose like her hair on Saturday mornings, dark like how she liked her coffee, warm like how he hoped she felt him in her heart.

Out of sympathy, Jayda’s mother asked Wyatt if he wanted to say a few words before the closing prayer. His selfmade speech-gone-homily went on like this:

You don’t know me, and I’m sorry for being a stranger up here instead of a warm face, like Jayda’s. My name is Wyatt, and I was in love with Jayda. Well—I am in love with Jayda, but I’m working on how to change that into the past tense. Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Linnea, for allowing me to say a few words about the girl we knew.

Her face—specifically in the frequent moments when he told her about her beauty she chose to ignore—splashed in front of him. He took a long, deep breath for a long, dark pause.

Jayda was a poet—a beautiful one, too. She wrote poetry because she didn’t know how else to give away her feelings. I’ve been trying to find poetry in what happened to her, and I remembered a word she used all the time: “contretemps,” which means “an unexpected, unfortunate occurrence.” It also means “mischance,” which is the definition I prefer. I can’t help but wonder how all of this is not the story of an unwritten poem of hers instead of reality. I can’t stop saying the word “contretemps” in every silence that finds me, and I can’t remember who I was before her, and I can’t unhear the beauty in her last poem when she read it aloud on the night before she died, trying to work out an ending to it, while an ending waited for her the next day.

After an uncomfortable farewell to her parents and a lurching cab ride to the airport, Wyatt caught his flight to New York not by the grace of god—but a different kind of grace, found in an airplane window when the glare of an eye-level sun reflects a version of your face you’ve not yet met, or the graceful way her possessions in his apartment packed into only one 18” x 18” x 18” box, or the grace in how, two years later, the newspaper clipping of her obituary slipped from a magnet on the refrigerator when he wasn’t home, the ghost of a weather worn memory making its way through the house to find an exit, all swift and discreet, fatigued from looking at the world birds-eye.


Laura Miller is a designer and writer working in New Jersey. Her short stories are published in The Journal of Compressed Creative Arts, Vending Machine Press, apt, Crab Fat Magazine, District Lit, Four Chambers Press, Menda City Press, Anomaly Literary Journal, Stylus Literary Journal, The Walrus Journal, and 99 Pine Street. She won first place for her novella “Ellipsis” for the Jimenez-Porter Writers Prize, and second place for both “Front Lawn” and “The F Train Downtown” for the Jimenez-Porter Writers Prize. She is currently working on her first novel.

“Georges Seurat Visits Indiana in July” by Richard Luftig


He tells me he has never seen a field of corn.
I tell him it’s just row upon row of the same.

But he says: Look at this summer
and see all the colors you have ever known.

Mustard and thistle. Tumbleweed.
Low shady sunsets that pick out

flowers in the fields from
the dark foliage of trees

among a knob of hills.
Winds that breathe and blow

over bent-down grasses.
Crickets gossip along a limestone fence.

Lazy Susans grow up
one slope and down another.

Off in the distance a copse
of young pines and farther

still a creek with shale
slaked dry and white.

In a garden he points out snap peas
lined in their pods like rosary beads.

See, he says, how time moves
away not even leaving a shadow,

this world that only hints
of past lives, past loves.

And look, he says,
how one can get lost

in the crowded moment
of a single dot.


Richard Luftig is a former professor of educational psychology and special education at Miami University in Ohio now residing in California. His poems and stories have appeared in numerous literary journals in the United States and internationally in The United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, Europe, and Asia. Two of his poems recently appeared in Realms of the Mothers: The First Decade of Dos Madres Press. His latest book of poems, A Grammar for Snow, has been published by Unsolicited Press.

“Circus Island” by Marco Etheridge


You see a pair of Bactrian camels standing against the railings of a makeshift corral, placid and stoic, as if it makes no difference to them whether they are looking out over the arid steppes or a busy roadway on the outskirts of Vienna. An impatient Austrian honks at you and you hit the gas to push the big van forward.

You drive past the Danish bedding shop, past the supermarket, turn at the car dealership just as it is written on the hand-drawn map. Albert-Schweitzer-Gasse, the delivery street, loading docks to your right and then the backside of the same camels ahead of you. You steer the van left into a straw-strewn driveway and stop before a flimsy gate. There is a hand painted sign hanging from the top rail: Circus Horvat.

You sit inside the van and look out over the circus camp. The corral is made of sectional cattle fence and covers a crumbling parking lot. A motley of caravans and trailers cluster on a narrow strip of land beyond the corral. At their back is the river.

The circus people and their animals are marooned by the restrictions of quarantine and a new disease, trapped amongst the sleek shopping outlets on the edge of the city. They cannot travel and they cannot perform, yet the animals must be fed, just like the stock on your father’s farm.

A trio of shaggy llamas wander past the gate. There are goats and sheep, a dog or two, and a gaggle of Chinese geese. On the far side of the corral you see a pair of dairy cows. You wonder at that. Why cows? Can they be taught to do tricks?

A giant of a man emerges from behind one of the caravans. He lumbers across the corral, one huge hairy arm raised in greeting. A crooked smile breaks through the expanse of his black beard and random animals are drawn into his wake. The bear-like man pauses before the gate and turns with outstretched arms. His voice comes in a bellow that matches his girth.

“Back now, get back my friends. We must let our visitor in.”

The animals obey his commands as if the giant speaks a language they understand. Then he is through the gate and standing beside the open window at your elbow.

“Welcome, my friend, welcome to Circus Horvat. I am Josip, Josip Babić, at your service.”

The giant speaks an old-fashioned sort of German with a heavy Balkan accent. The sheer volume of the man’s voice stuns you, but you manage to find your own words and your manners as well.

“Pleased to meet you, Herr Babić. My name is Günter. My father sent me with this load of feed for the animals.”

“And we are very grateful, friend Günter. But please, call me Josip. The circus family stands on no formalities, unlike the good Austrians. You bring us help, so you are now part of that family.”

Josip raises a meaty arm and gestures across the corral. You look at that finger, big as a sausage, then past it to the far side of the corral. You see a shed roof supported on poles and under the roof a meager collection of bales and burlap sacks. The giant is speaking again, and his voice fills your ears and the entire van.

“I will open the gate. If you would be so kind as to park beside our humble feed shed, we will unload your treasure.”

He slaps the door of the van and steps forward to the gate. It swings open in his hand like a child’s toy and you drive the van across the corral. You stop the van at the shed, turn off the engine, and slide down to the cracked pavement.

The llamas have fallen in step behind Josip as he stalks to the rear of the van. He scatters them with a wave of his arm.

“Back now, you greedy children. Leave us in peace.”

You hear his booming laugh as you walk to the back of the van and open the doors. Then he is beside you, laughing all the louder.

“Look at this, just look at it! Günter, you are a savior to Circus Horvat. Bales of alfalfa for the llamas and camels. They will be your friends forever. And what do we have in the sacks?”

“Feed corn,” you say, “and some carrots from the cellar. I am afraid they are old and soft.”

One of the giant paws lands on your shoulder.

“I have never seen a goat turn up its nose at a carrot. Come, we shall unload this bounty and then you will share our hospitality, poor as it is.”

Before you can reach into the van you see Josip with a burlap sack in each hand, forty kilos apiece and swinging like small grocery bags. You heave out one of the bales and follow him under the shed roof. The van is unloaded in the twinkling of an eye and the two of you are standing beside it as the animals eye the new pile of food.

Curious, you look about the corral for more exotic creatures.

“Josip, are there lions or tigers?”

“No, we have none of the big cats. They eat a great deal and are very expensive. Very much trouble. Not useful like elephants are. Alas, we have no elephants either, but they are wonderful beasts, wonderful. I have worked with the elephants when I was a younger man like yourself. Do you know that they are wiser than men? When once you look into an elephant’s eye, you cannot doubt this. You will know it.”

You look up at the big man and see that his gaze is far away, out past the hills of the Wienerwald. You want to know more about this strange world.

“Josip, what do you do here at the circus?”

“Eh, what’s that? Why, I am a strongman and a clown, but in truth I do a bit of everything. We all of us do, of course. The circus requires a person to have many skills. Ever since I am a boy I am in the circus. I am born to it as they say. Yet in all of those years, never have I seen such sad times as these. We cannot set up the bigtop, cannot perform, and they say we cannot travel.”

The great voice is softer, and you hear the sadness in it.

“My father told me that the circus was going to Croatia.”

“Yes, the spring camp is home, as least for the animals and the few of us that tend them. When the summer begins everyone comes back and we travel the circuit. But this season, who knows?”

Josip spreads his hand wide and smiles at you through the black beard.

“The thing to remember is that the circus survives. Through great wars, hard times, disasters, still the circus comes to town. The players may change from year to year, but the circus goes on. And speaking of the players, it is time you met them and received their thanks. Come.”

Then he is leading you into the labyrinth of caravans and you have no choice but to follow. Dogs trot along next to you, sniffing and darting. A calico cat peers sphinx-like from the atop the safety of a tall crate. Josip squeezes through a narrow gap between two trailers and you emerge into an open-air kitchen. Three people are sitting at a sway-backed table while a fourth, a child, tends to a camp stove. You look again and see the cook is no child, but instead a very small man. Josip calls out to them and the little person joins the others.

“Friends, this is Günter, who has brought an entire shipment of feed for our beloved creatures. Please, if you will.”

To your great embarrassment they rise from their chairs and being to applaud. Josip joins in, his hands slapping together like cannon shots. You feel yourself blushing and then you catch the eye of the young woman, or she catches yours, and you duck your head. You feel one of Josip’s hands scooping you forward.

“Günter, allow me to introduce our family. This is Madam Dragica, trainer of the world’s most intelligent dogs. She is also our nurse, veterinarian, and surrogate mother when we need one.”

Madame Dragica nods in a stage curtsey, one ankle crossed in front of the other. Then her eyes are on yours and you see the decades there, but her face is years younger than those piercing grey eyes.

“This is Petar, master of the horse, but as we have no horses at the moment, he is the master of the llamas and camels. And this is Ivan, Europe’s smallest clown and fearless human cannonball.”

The two men give dramatic bows, one very tall, the other very short. Ivan winks at you and it makes you laugh aloud.

“And this, this is Martina. She is lighter than the air itself, defying gravity from the heights of her trapeze. When she is not weightless, her needle repairs all of our costumes.”

The woman is young, but older than you are. She does not curtsey, and she does not bow. She gives you only a nod; without a smile, yet not with a frown. She is not pretty, but she is so beautiful you cannot breathe and when her dark eyes do not waver you drop yours because you must. Even with your head bowed, you feel those eyes like a pinprick that will not yield.

You know that they have all seen you, but there is nothing you can do. It is Josip who rescues you.

“Ivan, coffee for our guest, if you please. And Petar, if you would be so kind, a round of Rakia for everyone.”

He nudges you with an elbow like a battering ram and his stage whisper is loud as a shout.

“One small one won’t hurt anything, and we won’t mention it to your father.”

You are herded to a chair. Ivan bustles coffee around the table and Petar pours clear firewater into heavy shot glasses. The flared glasses sit in a battered tray and he fills each to overflowing. The tray goes round and then the Rakia is in your hand. Icy trickles slide down your thumb and forefinger.

“Günter, his father, and their generosity!”

They repeat Josip’s toast and throw back their shots in one go, so you must do the same and the ice turns to fire in your throat. Glasses are spun upside down and click to the table and yours follows.

Then everyone is talking at once and there is much laughter and you are happy just to be sitting here at this table. Ivan asks you about your farm, but you have little to answer. Yes, you say, my father and me and our farm and no one else. You feel a moment, a stillness, and then Petar is telling a story about Ivan being squashed beneath a fat woman who fell into the circus ring during a show in Salzburg. Everyone is laughing again, and you are glad of it.

You look across the table and Martina’s eyes catch yours and pin you where you sit. She is laughing with the others, but her eyes gleam with something other than laughter. You drop your head to your coffee while Ivan retaliates with a story of Petar falling from his horse. You laugh with the others and are more careful with your eyes.

The talk goes around the table, and with it more waves of laughter. You listen and laugh and drink your coffee. Your cup is empty, refilled, then emptied again. You are happy just to listen to their words, even knowing that your father is waiting and there is work to be done.

As if reading your thoughts, Josip slaps his hands against his massive thighs.

“Well, my friends, we must not keep our young man from his father. We would not wish to cause him worry.”

He pushes himself up from the table and the others do the same. Hands reach out to you and you take each one in turn. The last hand is Martina’s and the touch of it scorches you like the Rakia that burned in your throat. Then her fingers are gone from your flesh, but the fire remains.

Josip leads you away amidst the chorus of their farewells. You follow the giant as he threads the way back through the maze of caravans. He stops beside the van and you stop as well. The big man is smiling down at you, one hairy hand extended. Your hand disappears into his as you shake it.

“Günter, my friend, you are always welcome at Circus Horvat, whether you bring gifts or no. You understand this, yes?”

You nod your head and manage to murmur a goodbye. You climb into the van and shut the heavy door. The air inside is damp and vegetal and the smell of it surrounds you. You turn the key and the engine rumbles to life.

Josip is standing at the open gate as you drive through it. The big man steps back and raises a hand. You return his wave.

The two camels stand at the fence, but they are not watching the passing traffic. Their stoic eyes are on you, and you alone, as if committing you to memory. They know they will see you again.


Marco Etheridge lives and writes in Vienna, Austria. His work has been published in Canada, The UK, and the USA. His mantra is write, travel, repeat. All of his credits and other fine stuff is available at his website: https://www.marcoetheridgefiction.com/

Review: Black Works


Reviewed by Kevin Torrey

It takes a great deal of skill to tell a story without excess verbiage. Some authors spend 20 pages detailing a scene down to the last missing eyelash without advancing the story. Others use action as a substitute for plot.

But sometimes a writer comes along who uses dialogue so well that he can carry the story and still save the rain forest. Eric Luthi uses conversation the way a good artist uses color – it fills the emptiness between the lines with emotion and meaning. And often, the reader can picture the scene through the dialogue alone, which is where the real story lies. After all, this is not an action novel. It is a story about human connection. The characters have real depth, as if they are people the author actually knows. The reader would recognize them, were they to pass them on the street. The story has a genuine, gritty quality, yet lacks the jaded, reality television feel so often displayed by contemporary writers.

It is a quick read, but the characters will stay with you, making you sometimes wonder what they have been up to since you finished reading the story. Maybe Eric will tell us some day.

It would be nice to catch up.

Available at Amazon.