{"id":2369,"date":"2020-10-01T01:45:00","date_gmt":"2020-10-01T08:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/?p=2369"},"modified":"2020-09-20T17:55:43","modified_gmt":"2020-09-21T00:55:43","slug":"shopping-mysteries-by-james-barr","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/2020\/10\/01\/shopping-mysteries-by-james-barr\/","title":{"rendered":"“Shopping Mysteries” by James Barr"},"content":{"rendered":"\n


For years, I\u2019ve thought on and off about Mr. Coffee. To be perfectly clear, I have nothing against the guy. In fact, I think he makes a great cup of coffee. Instead, my wonderment has to do with Mrs. Coffee.<\/em> Where the heck is she? Or was there ever such a person? Is Mr. Coffee a lifelong bachelor or did he and Mrs. Coffee go splitsville and I just missed hearing about it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m not a regular reader of those supermarket magazines, but I know for certain that if there was ever any news about a Mr. and Mrs. Coffee breakup, it would\u2019ve been splashed all over the cover. If so, I would\u2019ve caught it, just as I caught another breaking story. Someone spotted the Pillsbury Doughboy at a weight reduction clinic. There\u2019s even a grainy shot of him on a yoga mat, and it isn\u2019t pretty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I occasionally wonder if Duncan Hines and Betty Crocker know each other. After all, they\u2019re stocked in the same aisle, sometimes right next to each other and have a lot of kitchen wizardry and wooden spoons in common.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I frequently see signs about \u201cGluten Free\u201d and wonder, since it\u2019s free, where I can get some. But there\u2019s never any small print providing directions or attempting to clarify things. But that\u2019s okay. I\u2019m thinking I wouldn\u2019t like it anyway and would probably return it. But where would I take it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How come we never hear anything about Laura Scudder? She makes a mean batch of peanut butter, despite forcing me to bend a spoon and tear a wrist tendon while trying to stir it. I can see why she wouldn\u2019t want to hang with Peter Pan, as he\u2019s too young and an imagined character. However, I have heard rumors about Laura and Chef Boyardee, but can neither confirm nor deny them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I also feel a little deceived whenever I go to Bed, Bath & Beyond. Despite asking every time I\u2019m in one of their stores, no one can point me to the \u201cBeyond\u201d section. The Bed and Bath merchandise is easily found. But whatever\u2019s in the \u201cBeyond\u201d department is a mystery. Maybe there\u2019s a secret door somewhere behind the display of lemon-scented garbage disposer balls. I\u2019ll take a closer look next time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That brings me to that Mike Lindell guy of \u201cMy Pillow\u201d fame. Have you ever seen anyone prouder of their pillow? If I were to purchase one from him, would he still consider it his<\/em> pillow? Or would it now become my<\/em> pillow? And when, exactly, does it officially become MY <\/em>pillow? Why does one guy have to have so many pillows he considers his? Also, if I purchased two, would they then be called My Pillows?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Admittedly, none of these are problems worthy of a think tank or some cumbersome governmental committee. But let\u2019s all work together to get them cleared up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Doing so will give me more time to try to pull my spoon out of Laura\u2019s peanut butter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n


An ad agency creative director turned freelance writer, James is enjoying his newfound creative freedom. During his career, he was once challenged to find features and benefits in a well-known beauty soap. Today, he’s free to lather up stories that bring smiles and joy while never leaving a ring in the tub.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For years, I\u2019ve thought on and off about Mr. Coffee. To be perfectly clear, I have nothing against the guy. In fact, I think he makes a great cup of coffee. Instead, my wonderment has to do with Mrs. Coffee. Where the heck is she? Or was there ever such a person? Is Mr. Coffee … Read More<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2369","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-creative-non-fiction"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pa867U-Cd","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2369","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2369"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2369\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2370,"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2369\/revisions\/2370"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2369"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2369"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/underwoodpress.com\/ruescribe\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2369"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}