Dear God, why couldn’t you have made me a duck? I thought as I watched them sitting in the rain and shitting on the pavement. They looked happy. When it’d started to rain they still looked happy. I could almost see their rigid beaks curving upwards when the first drops hit their heads and they stood up to waddle down towards the lake. It was all the same to them. Water from the sky or water from below. They were always wet. I don’t even think they get cold. I’m cold. And my clothes are soaking wet and wrinkled from when I was sleeping.
I’d come to London for the day with the company I worked with for a job. Just picking up debris from a construction site and tossing it into barrels and skips. They thought it would take the whole day, but we finished before the sun went down. Before we started they handed us all train tickets home. It was for the ten o’clock train. With time to kill, I went into a bar and used the rest of the money in my wallet drinking and playing the boxing machine. I had my payslip that the company gave us to collect the cash for the job, so I wasn’t worried about having no money left. But when I left the bar I had no train ticket. I went back to look but it was gone. It could have fallen out anywhere during the day. I hadn’t checked since leaving the site.
‘Ahh Will. The champion fool. You tactless hack. You whiny miserable bastard how could you do that? what are you gonna do now?’ I beat my head in frustration before deciding what to do. What I did was make my way to Hyde park and fall asleep on a bench. I knew I could take my payslip to the London branch office in the morning to get my wages and get the train home.
I don’t know how long I slept. You never do. I closed my eyes watching the stars twinkle and laugh at me and woke up with rain and thunder laughing at me. Sitting up I felt miserable. My whole life was a waste and I knew it and the weather knew it and the ducks knew it. Lightning flashed from the sky and hit somewhere, and thunder rolled around the park. Growling like an animal in my ears. I didn’t move. “What’s the point in moving,” I said to the ducks still on the pavement and waved my left hand at them. “Have you read Hemingway? Have you read John Fante?” I asked them. “You haven’t read a damn thing and your smiling at me like you know more. If I was a duck I’d be under a tree. I’d learn to burrow and go underground. I’d hide under a bench. Your wet all day. Why not try and stay dry for once? You don’t know a thing.”
The ducks stared at me and shook their tails.
The park was pitch black. Only a few streetlamps showed anything. My head was cloudy from sleep and hadn’t cleared and when I blinked the rain from my eyes I saw flashes of red and blue. The blue was the same colour as the lightning that flashed almost lazily across the sky. I stood up and wandered away from the lake. Following the streetlamps. I’d seen there was a tunnel under a bridge by the edge of the park and I made my way there. When I got to the tunnel I saw that the floor had a two-inch puddle of water covering it from a crack that ran from one side of the roof to the other. I stood in there with my feet buried for a few minutes watching the storm when I heard voices. Stepping back out into the rain a bit I saw a doorway etched into the side of the tunnel that I hadn’t noticed. A man and a woman were sitting in there pushed right back against the metal door so the rain wouldn’t touch them. They looked up when they saw me and stared as I stared at them. After a few seconds, the man nodded at me and moved further away from the woman so there was a space for me in the middle. I hesitated for a second feeling uncomfortable before settling between them.
The doorway was wide, and the door was set far back. There was a line on the floor where the rain couldn’t reach any further inside. We sat in silence for a while. The lightning had become more frequent and it seemed as we stared that it was dancing and singing. It hummed and flashed and seemed to creep into the bones of the earth as it struck. There were so many flashes that the thunder seemed constant. It rolled across the sky and beat against our ears begging to be let in. I was feeling pretty warm and comfortable until I felt a weight on my lap, and saw they’d started holding hands across my body.
“I’m Joe,” The man said. “And this is Beth.”
“I’m Will,” I replied.
“You got some clean clothes boy. I don’t see many of the homeless around here wearing stuff like that.” He said laughing a little. Letting go of Beth’s hand and fingering my sleeve like we’d known each other for years.
“I’m not homeless. I’ve just lost my train ticket.”
“Oh yeah. So, did we,” he said. Then he laughed again, and Beth laughed with him. I just sat there and wondered why I hadn’t stayed on the bench.
Both of them were dirty. He had mud and dirt in streaks all across his face. She had a lot of old makeup on that had been running from the rain, so she looked like an out of work clown. Both of them had rips in their clothes and I could see skin through some of them.
“We’ve been sleeping in this park for nearly ten years you know,” Joe said and waved his hand out at the park like he owned it all. Some thunder crashed as he did it. “Ten years we’ve been either on that bench over there or here. I know every spot there is.”
Beth chimed in then. “It’s true, he does. One time when some guy we know was being chased by the police he came running straight to that bench that we usually sit on. He ran right up and said, ‘help Joe’ and all Joe did was look around once and tell him to hide in the boating shed on the lake. The police came a few minutes later and they didn’t even know there was a boating shed.”
Joe touched her hand again by my lap. “I know all the best spots for privacy and beauty and my girl here knows how to get us money. We all need that money am I right?”
He nudged my leg and I nodded. Then he smacked his leg and grabbed my hand. “Of course, I don’t mean we’re thieves or anything like that. You’ve got nothing to worry about boy.”
“Well, that’s good,” I said and pretended to laugh a little. It was better to listen to them then be back out in the rain and the heat from their bodies was warming me up a little.
“No of course not, he knew that Joe,” Beth said and hit him softly on the arm.
They laughed together like no one would suspect them of anything sinister.
We watched the thunder for a while. Its noise was tremendous. Like steel drums crashing together. They were used to it and watched it all like it was nothing. To me, it was like the whole world was breaking apart.
“I guess you’re wondering how long we’ve been together,” Beth said suddenly. Squeezing Joe’s hand on my lap.
“Fifteen years,” Joe said proudly. It looked like they’d practised this speech often. Probably to everyone who would listen. “We met in this park back before any of this happened.” He gestured to their clothes.
“I was a working girl then,” Beth said. “I still am I guess but it doesn’t seem as bad when you have someone who loves you.”
“I offered to pay triple what she asked for just so she would notice me,” Joe said smiling, “Of course she didn’t take it. She thought I was crazy.”
“I still do,” Beth cut in.
Joe waved his hand “Maybe I am. I had a good job at the bank in those days. I had money falling out of my wallet. But one look at her eyes; it wasn’t anything else, her eyes, they sent me spinning. One second I’m pulling sixty grand a year, the next I’m cutting days off work to see her… Most girls would have left me after I got fired. Every single working girl would of. Everyone I knew. From the bank to my own family turned away. But not Beth. She understands what it means to feel like I do. I feel too much. It cuts into my heart,” He had tears in his eyes as he spoke.
“When I worked at that bank I wanted to die. It was like having a knife slowly twist into my heart every day. And every day it would get deeper in and every day it would get more painful. With Beth, every day is like the knife is being pulled out a little.”
I could tell from how he looked at her that he really believed everything he was saying. I didn’t know if he had always felt like that or if he’d just convinced himself it was true over the years.
“I wasn’t happy until I met Joe,” Beth cut in. Not willing to give up her side of the story. “I didn’t even know pleasure until him. Even now I don’t do what I do because I enjoy it. It feeds us and one day Joe will get another job and I won’t have to do it anymore.”
Their hands were still conjoined on my lap and their eyes were like little stars as they reflected the lighting back out into the night. For all their lies I liked them. They were normal people living life as it came to them. Joe wasn’t feeling any better with her and it damn sure wasn’t true that Beth didn’t get any joy or pleasure from what she did. She looked like the kind of person that could hump a bicycle pump and still get off. But they loved each other, and they might even have believed what they were saying. Anyway, it didn’t really matter. What did I know about it all? I was just assuming. And I was liking them more and more.
“I’m really not homeless you know,” I said. I wanted them to know that I really was just a bit lost that night. It felt important to me that they didn’t think I was a bum. They obviously didn’t care but it mattered to me. “I was getting some drinks in a bar after work and I just lost my train ticket.”
“Really?” Beth said. “You poor boy.” And she touched my leg slyly just above the knee. Both of them looked sad.
“That’s rotten luck kid. The number of times that happened to me when I was working,” Joe chuckled. “How come you’re sleeping put here then? You haven’t got a credit card or anything for a hotel?”
“I haven t got anything except my payslip that I can take to the offices tomorrow. My bank account is empty. I never believed in credit. I always knew I’d just run up debt.”
They looked like they didn’t believe me. They kept glancing at each other. But they kept their mouths shut. They didn’t want to offend me.
“Besides,” I added, “There isn’t any point in just spending money for the sake of it. I thought I could handle one night out here,” I laughed, “Of course I didn’t reckon on it raining so much.”
A bolt of lightning hit something close by and a few seconds later the noise rumbled across the sky. The light from the electric burned into my eyes and dazzled me. It was like seeing God. I thought about the ducks out there and wondered what would happen if the lighting struck the lake. I imagined them all cooking like in an oven and the smell wafting over to us.
They still looked doubtful, but they didn’t say anything. They just looked out at the storm. There was a different atmosphere now they knew I wasn’t homeless. They sensed the money I might have. They could smell it and they clearly thought it was mighty rude of me not to offer a single penny. But they were polite. They didn’t say a word.
“Really,” I said trying to make them believe, “If I had anything I wouldn’t be out here would I.”
They each nodded a bit and Beth stuck her hand out in the rain.
“It’s coming down hard isn’t it,” She said.
“Mmm,” said Joe. “I haven’t seen it this bad in a few years have you, Beth?”
“No Joe. Not since… was it five years back that man got killed by that falling tree?”
“Oh yeah. Mr Foggerty? I think that was his name anyway. Slept under the big tree by the playground?”
“Yeah him.” Said Beth.
They both clearly distrusted me now. I’d always found it odd that as soon as people thought you had something. Something they wanted they treated you different. These reacted by not saying a damn word to me.
“Bad night,” I said, trying to get back their friendly voices. They had been comforting. It stopped me thinking about everything. About how I’d messed up. “Really bad night.”
There was a small silence before Joe spoke.
“Where do you live then kid?”
My relief almost hurt.
“Birmingham,” I said.
“I should have known from the accent,” He said almost laughing.
“I could tell,” Said Beth. She wasn’t laughing. “I love the accent.”
I could see how she made her money as a working girl. Even with her makeup running down her face she was appealing. Her eyes had a sadness in them. Deep down in their centres and it made you want to take her in your arms. She was getting old though. I could imagine the money was getting harder and harder to pull in. It didn’t look like Joe did anything except find new places in the park for her and the clients to go. I wondered how he’d really lost his job.
“You know I used to come to this park all the time when I was working,” Joe said. “Even before I met Beth. I used to sit on that bench that you were sleeping on earlier… yeah, we saw you. And I’d just watch people.” He paused as he looked out in the night. The funny thing about storms is that sooner or later you forget that they are there. He looked past it all. I looked past it all.
“I used to see some things. I saw families break up. Lovers having arguments… too personal for a public park. Girls pick up men. Men pick up women. I saw women come to the park and ignore everybody until they saw a black guy. Chinese men come and ignore everyone except white women. Everyone sniffing around for something. Men ignoring everyone and just looking around for a place to be alone… places like this they are good places to be alone. You can be surrounded by hundreds of people here and not be noticed.”
He was quiet for a while. “I don’t miss anything about that job except the money.” He finally said still quite quietly.
“Baby you made the right choice,” Beth whispered. Too quietly. I didn’t even think he could hear her.
Joe didn’t speak. He had shifted a bit away from me. It was obvious he didn’t want to speak now. Everything he’d said seemed to have taken something from him. Some kind of energy. He seemed drained and fed up.
A duck wandered by and waggled its feathery ass at us as it walked. I watched it stroll past. Beth did too. Joe was looking out at nothing like he wasn’t there.
“It’s when it gets cold like this… that’s when things start to get desperate,” Beth said, “Both of us start to think more about money.”
“I don’t think about it,” Joe snapped. He was still looking out into the dark park. “I think about my old job. When you work there you feel constricted and when you leave you feel empty.”
“There just isn’t any way to win,” I said for the sake of saying something.
They both ignored me. The rain was slowing up. But the thunder carried on getting louder. Joe pulled a half-empty bottle of wine from a rip on the inside of his coat. He was using the inside lining as a big pocket. Beth reached over and took a big drink and then another. I hadn’t figured them as drinkers.
Joe took it back and hit the bottle. It was strong stuff. Port. And the bottle was one of those big litre ones. Even with half gone they could get pretty drunk from it. I took some when he offered the bottle. It was sweet and bitter and it rolled down my throat like an old friend. It warmed my bones right up. Even more than them pressing on either side of me.
We passed it around like that for a while not speaking. Beth drank. Then Joe. Then me. Big gulps. You could hear the swallow of each sip over the thunder. It crept its way into our heads. Beth was getting pretty loose. We were getting loose. We started talking again.
Beth kept reaching behind me and touching the back Joes hair and then mine. Joe started giggling when he saw and said to me “I like you Kid but you have to pay if you want her,” Before giggling again.
I didn’t want her really. It was cold and the rain was still drizzling and besides, I couldn’t afford it anyway. Joe seemed to want me to want her. He kept reaching over and lifting some part of her clothes to show her skin.
“Look how smooth that is.” He muttered to me sometimes. Looking proud for reasons I couldn’t work out.
It looked smooth from what I could see. Which wasn’t very much. Sometimes when the lighting flashed around and I was looking at them their whole faces would be lit for a moment and it was like someone holding a torch on them for a split second. Beth started leaning close and kissing me quickly on the neck. Joe leaned close and said remember you’ve got to pay for her.
I leaned back more against the door to get away, but Beth came with me. She wanted to say something. Joe stood up and mumbled he needed a piss.
“We haven’t eaten in four days. Ninety-six hours. Joe spent the last of the money of this bottle. He always buys one when we get unlucky like we have been recently. He says it’s the only thing that makes it all seem okay.”
I could see the shape of Joe as he walked further into the shadows. His shoulders slumped.
“He gets fed up in bad weather like this. When no one comes to the park. No one asks him about where anything is. He feels useless. Like he can’t provide for me.” She put her hand on my leg. We looked out at the park together. Joe came back and sat down. Beth leaned over and bit the bottom of my ear.
Joe saw and grinned at me.
“I really don’t have any money,” I said. I should have known when they brought out the wine what they wanted. Joe just laughed and rubbed his fingers together. I wanted to leave them, but the wine held me down. It was like a great red weight balancing on my mind. I was drunk. Too drunk.
“People always say that when you ask them for some change. Its why we have to use Beth. You ask them for some help, and they lie to you. They lie so damn easily it’s disgusting. The lies roll off tongues as if they’ve always been there,” Joe shrugged.
“I’m not lying.”
“I know Kid.”
He was still grinning at me. My head was swimming from the drink. Beth was massaging my thigh. Joe raised his hand and started to rub his fingers together again. The night started to come undone. Thunder crashed and I felt rain hit my ankle. We all looked up at the sky at the same time. The stars bled from the sky as we looked at them. They bled silver and bronze and it covered everything. It floated into the ground and swept its way onto our bodies and into our mouths, I stumbled out the doorway and tried to throw it up. All that came out was wine. I put my fingers down my throat and pulled them back out before more red came up. My fingers were still silver and bronze. I could hear joe and Beth coughing behind me. Coughing and laughing. They didn’t seem to notice the colours. The silver and bronze filled my belly and hardened up in a little ball. I could feel it hardening all over me. It filled my brain and my eyes and my pores and my little moustache. I saw the lakes rise up against it all and drown us. The stars kept bleeding and the sky wouldn’t shut up.
When I woke up in the doorway I knew they had probably robbed my payslip. They couldn’t even cash it without my work ID, but I knew they would have taken it. They’d both screwed me, and I’d paid.
I touched my pocket and opened my wallet. I was surprised they hadn’t taken the whole thing. The payslip was gone as well as the few old coins I kept in there. I walked and sat back down on the bench I’d slept on before. It was six in the morning and people were starting to walk by. I reached into my coat inside pocket to check and see my work ID card was there. I hadn’t checked on it since leaving work. It was. I saw a little bit of paper sticking out from behind the ID card. The corner of it was wet and it ripped as I pulled it out. It was my train ticket.
I sighed. It had stopped raining. I thought about running to the office and waiting to see if they showed up. But I felt too ill. Too weak. I decided to stay sitting on the bench for a while and watch the ducks waddle in and out of the lake. I didn’t want to move. They went in and out in and out. One after the other. They don’t know a damn thing. Dear God.
William Hayward was born in Birmingham, England. He has been writing for five years, ever since he first read the author Leonard Michael’s and fell in love with short fiction.