Yueying Guo is an English Major from New York City. She has been published in Eunoia Review and Linden Avenue and won first place for poetry in both Newtown Literary and the Penguin Random House Creative Writing Competition in 2018. She also likes art, philosophy, and books.
When Nathan told me that he was married after five months of going out, I was afraid to feel. There were so many things I could feel: hatred, anger, jealousy, sadness—but I didn’t feel anything. I only remember thinking that the air conditioning in the cafe was turned up too high, that I didn’t eat breakfast yet and the mushroom omelette in front of me looked delicious, and that Nathan looked good in his casual striped shirt.
He continued on talking, frantically, when he didn’t see my expression change or any reaction. “…I divorced her two days ago and I’ve been gathering up courage to tell you it ever since. I know it’s shameful of me to ask this of you, but—if you still love me—will you stay with me?”
At that moment, I started crying. Adultery was the same thing that brought my dad to hit my mom that day, to leave us, and for my mom to drive into a river.
There was so many things I could tell him at that moment: the fact that if he was fine committing adultery now, about about the future? The fact that if he was keeping it a secret from me for the five months we were dating, were we really in love? Did he really trust me? Or I could simply say no—but I didn’t.
It was only when I remembered my mom’s face that I couldn’t take it anymore. Tears came out of my eyes, my teeth chattered, and I stood up. Nathan was saying something and tried to grab my hand, but I slapped him away before grabbing my bag and running out of the cafe with its bright lights and alluring scent of bacon and bitter coffee.
I ran through the streets, aware of the people looking at me, smudging my makeup as I rubbed my face, high heels unsuited for running slapping the concrete ground, skirts swishing at my legs. I wish I hadn’t dressed up for today, for him. I had even been so excited to use the new perfume I brought last week, and had wished he would notice it. I even wore pink lingerie because he said pink looked best on me. I tried so hard for him. Yet this whole time he was married.
Once I was on the train, I had finally stopped crying and trembling. I rested my head against the window and watched the world flash by. All I could do was think. I was committing adultery this whole time, and I didn’t even know it. The very thing that killed my mom and killed half of my heart. I thought about how I felt when I saw my dad’s cold eyes the day he left us. I thought about how I felt when I saw my mom sit on her unmade bed for days after he left and before she died. Mostly, I thought about how for a moment, I was about to say ‘yes’.