For years, Jim was a creative director (copywriter) at two top advertising agencies. He wrote a variety of national TV commercials and ads and is on a first name basis with the Pillsbury Doughboy, the Green Giant and several Keebler Elves.
Florida on My Mind
I had no idea she was a sword swallower.
How was I to know? Watching her delicately drizzle a dollop of honey onto her biscuit, take a delicate bite and slowly swallow it revealed nothing about her unusual profession.
Hearing her backstory in a Sarasota, Florida coffee shop was an eye-opener. Once the winter headquarters for the Ringling Brothers Circus, Sarasota became the forever home of trapeze artists, clowns and stone deaf human cannonballs.
My next Florida encounter was with a roofer and serial biter named Harley. He recently moved into his 308-lb. girlfriend’s tiny home where he shares any remaining space with her two out-of-wedlock kids. Recently, he and his girlfriend got into a fight and he took a chunk out of her upper arm.
The girlfriend isn’t without her issues, either. Having that 308-lb. “canvas” to work on, she has covered herself with tattoos that appear to tell the history of the world, with very little space left over for next year.
I met twin sisters who have been battling for the past 30 years. One has an eating disorder of such magnitude, she eats only small amounts of salmon and shrimp, then cleanses daily. While she and her husband are at work, their dog is locked in his cage and forced to listen to Christian music for 10 hours. The dog is not pleased.
Days later, I met someone who works for a Port-a-Potty company. Her job is to dispatch drivers to pick up and deliver these plastic palaces to alligator and snake-infested building sites. There are no words to describe the state of these potties that have been used all week at an insanely hot, humid Florida building site.
One day, I met a chain-smoking, overweight middle-aged woman who was about to have a “Pirate” wedding. Guests were going to be encouraged to dress accordingly and to bring a bottle of rum. Wooden legs and eye patches were to be optional.
Meanwhile, trying to eat healthy in Florida is a lost cause. Bacon finds its way into virtually everything on the menu. All fish seems to be fried. Salads are seemingly nonexistent. Looking around a strip mall breakfast joint, you see folks with massive guts, and chowing down on biscuits and gravy. They just don’t seem right in the head.
A trip to a Dairy Queen exposes you to people who look like they’ve either just robbed a mini-mart, are thinking of robbing a mini-mart or have just been released from prison for robbing a mini-mart. How else to explain the conversation that stopped as I walked by or the lingering, smoldering assessment of me (Cop? Detective? Snitch?) as I got my Blizzard Blast and made quickly for the door?
For family fun, adventure, lasting memories and eye-popping experiences, who needs Disney World? It’s all right there for free as you wander around Florida.