James is a freelance writer and survivor of two long stints at two renowned advertising agencies. His conversation is sprinkled with features and benefits and always ends with a call to action.
Forget Zombies.
Odor-Causing Germs Are Out to Get You.
The world’s gone zany with zombies. They’re popping up in movies, music, on TV and staggering all over social media. Without question, those frisky folks are lurching into our lives almost everywhere. Of course, no one has ever really seen one. And the last time I checked, no one has fallen off their earthly perch due to “Zombie Bite, Zombie Nibble, Zombie Death Hug” or even “Asphyxiation Due to Close Proximity to Zombie Breath.” So let’s continue to keep a wary eye out for these nasty ragamuffins, but turn our attention to a far more ominous threat: odor-causing germs.
These relentless microscopic troublemakers are everywhere and they’re not going down easily. Unlike zombies, you can actually see odor-causing germs if you happen to have a medical grade electron microscope somewhere in your home.
I know about these germs because I once was an ad agency copywriter tasked with creating nationwide angst about them. My client had created a new product aimed at killing them while claiming they were lurking all over your kitchen floors and in your toilets. The telltale sign that you had them? You could actually smell their presence.
My task was to create TV commercials that made your hair stand on end because you learned your home was Club Med for these invasive little critters. Then, we wanted you to leap out of your Barcalounger and dash down to your grocery store to buy the product.
My client was unsure of the efficacy of their new creation, however, so they opted for a test market in Milwaukee. This would allow them to test the appeal of their new product in a scaled-back, less expensive setting before launching an ad campaign on national TV.
From the very beginning, I had two concerns about the product. The fragrance was a blend of an impossibly pine-scented forest with the earthy, pungent aroma of an earthworm farm. Strong enough to curl nose hairs, it got you thinking one of the yams in the potato basket had gone bad.
My other concern was that the product wasn’t just stinky. It was also sticky. Shortly after the advertising began, complaints began pouring in about how the product nearly peeled soles from shoes. Several people said their young children actually got stuck on the kitchen floor and couldn’t move until their shoes were removed. A recent Milwaukee census showed a population drop, but I beg to differ. I think the missing people are still there, but can’t open the door to the census taker because they’re stuck to their floors.
Maybe this is a perfect time for a hair-raising zombie scare. Cue the vampires, too. If they really do exist, let’s turn ‘em all loose and get those folks moving again.
With or without their shoes.