It was never my intention to join the Civil War Round Table of Chicago. While I admit to being interested in Civil War history, I never dove very deep. But that all changed during a neighborhood BBQ in my leafy Chicago suburb. Making polite conversation with a neighbor, I mentioned my tangential interest in the war.
Wrong move.
What I didn’t know was that this wizened gentleman taught history at a local high school and the Civil War was his prime area of interest. Before I knew it, he was grilling me on various battles, uniforms and military culinary needs. Not knowing any of the answers, I was tap dancing like crazy. Just about then, he hit me up with an unexpected request.
“I insist that you come as my guest to our Civil War Round Table meeting Wednesday evening. We’re always looking for new members and I just won’t let you say ‘No’.”
I was trapped.
At the time, I was an ad agency copywriter writing TV commercials featuring the Pillsbury Doughboy and his Poppin’ Fresh biscuits. I just couldn’t envision how I’d ever transition from daytime biscuit writer to nighttime Civil War student.
Walking into a roomful of Round Tables at a downtown hotel, I noted that I was the youngest person in the room…by decades. It looked like a Civil War reunion. As I searched for my host, conversation sputtered to a stop. Grey beards and canes were everywhere. A low-lying cloud of Old Spice aftershave floated through the room. I saw enough hearing devices to pick up signals from the International Space Station. Several men looked like they stepped off a Smith Brothers Cough Drop box.
As they closed in on me, they had no way of knowing that I still had biscuits on my brain as their questions rang out.
“What did you think about the proper way to build a trench?”
“How do you feel about the grade of wool used in uniforms?”
“How much do you know about hardtack?”
Staring blankly at a fancy chandelier, I thought this last question was one I could answer. Good thing, as I was now completely encircled by a platoon of Civil War scholars. If memory serves, one may have even been on horseback.
“Never really had the pleasure of tasting hardtack,” I vamped. “But I do know a thing or two about biscuits. I’ve been working on biscuits all day. I bet those soldiers would’ve loved a flaky, piping hot Pillsbury biscuit or two.”
The world stopped rotating. A waiter dropped a tray of Sausage Johnnycake. A fly paused on the tablecloth. As I stared from face to face, these Round Table Regulars, frozen in position, were slack-jawed, speechless and stupefied. Taking advantage of the moment, I executed a flawless military retreat.
My neighbor never mentioned the evening. However, during our next neighborhood gathering, he shot me a withering look as he dramatically removed my biscuits from a table.
It just happened to be round.
Jim has never met anyone else who has written about biscuits, but he’s sure they’re out there somewhere. He has fond memories of his days with Poppin’ Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy. Jim’s only regret is that he never asked his doughy friend why he was so anxious to pop out of his tube, only to be eaten.